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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so PISSED at my brother!

24 replies

Onetwistedsista · 25/09/2019 12:12

Hi guys. I expect to be told Im being unreasonable but please hear me out. My youngest bro is 31 going on 18. He looks 18 (we all look youthfull) and i think he actually believes he is! We all had quite traumatic upbringings but made it out ok. He is a wonderful kind hearted guy and I love him to bits but i feel he's wasted/ wasting his life. Been trying to study ( only has high school diploma) for the past decade now. Hasn't started. I've worked abroad and tried helping him get a job but he's afraid ' the planes will crash because this shit is real' , insisted he gets his driver's licence which he finally got a year ago. He'd given up after failing twice but i made him go back and try again. He often gets employment, mostly on contract but never seems able to get a stable job and to top it he always meets " unsuitable " women. The " girlfriend " he has now is currently 5 months pregnant. She convinced him its his. He SWORE to me its not is now suddenly he's " accepted ". The situation. Im not judging her but she also has 2 small children from other men. She is 25. We also received quite a nice little inheritance from our dad who passed on so no hurry to find work and buying expensive gadgets and upgrading car. Im so mad at him. I feel he's wasting his life and usually when the shit hits the fan he comes to me for help. AIBU to take a hard approach and leave him be? He is a man after all. Not cut him off completely but i simply can't keep bailing him out. I have my DS to take care of. Thanks guys

OP posts:

recrudescence · 25/09/2019 12:14

AIBU to take a hard approach and leave him be?

No. In fact I’m not sure you have a choice.

wowfudge · 25/09/2019 12:15

He's an adult, leave him to it. Unless you live together and he isn't contributing to the living costs then his life is nothing to do with you.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 25/09/2019 12:16

He's a grown-up, he can make his own decisions.

ThinkerThunkk · 25/09/2019 12:23

Does he have a learning disability or a mental health issue or plain and simple terminal Peter Pan syndrome? He's an adult and adults are allowed to make unwise decisions.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/09/2019 12:41

Your own life and your DCs come first. Tell him what your advice is and what you think he needs to do but also tell him that you will not be there to bail him out. You have to tell him upfront now that any spare money you have belongs to your DCs.
It sounds like he is running through his inheritance instead of working, which will be great for a year but he will be surprised how quickly that runs out. An inheritance is a once in a lifetime chance to make a difference to his future, invest in training or a business or somewhere to live, and shouldn't be frittered away on temporary things. When he's spent it all he may think that he can come back and rely on you in emergencies.
He has listened to you in the past about training and driving etc... so there's a chance you might be able to make him see he needs to make some employment/financial plans for his future now that he's 30. I don't know about relationship advice?

Passthecherrycoke · 25/09/2019 12:43

Honestly I’m sure it comes from a good place but you sound very controlling. He’s your adult brother, just leave him to it.

dollydaydream114 · 25/09/2019 13:04

What do you mean by 'simply can't keep bailing him out'? What sort of help is he asking for? Do you mean he's asking you for money or asking to live with you or something? If he is, then say no.

Other than that, however, none of the things you've mentioned are actually your business. He's an adult and he can work (or not work) wherever he chooses and form relationships with whoever he wants.

You're talking about 'the situation' which really has nothing do with you at all. He is allowed to waste his life. He is allowed to spend the money he inherited on whatever he wants. He's a grown man regardless of what you think of his choices and none of this is your problem to solve. Just let him live his own life as he chooses, even if he's a fucking idiot.

FWIW, my brother is also a massive idiot who has wasted his life, but as it doesn't really impact on me I just maintain a friendly relationship with him and let him get on with it.

Cheeseandwin5 · 25/09/2019 14:38

Its his life to lead how he pleases, your sister, you should be there if he needs a shoulder to cry or support ( as long as it doesn't negatively effect other parts of your life). You don't get to judge him or his choices.

gamerchick · 25/09/2019 14:41

How do you keep bailing him out?

Just stop, he'll never learn otherwise.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2019 14:43

Stop bailing him out. Stop interfering. Stop micromanaging his every step in life. Just stop. Let him fall flat on his face if that's what he chooses to do. Wash your hands of all his fuck ups.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/09/2019 14:49

I don't think you sound controlling at all - just a very concerned sister. I'd be concerned if he were my brother too. Thing is he's an adult now and it's clearly stressful for you to keep trying to push him forward in life and help him out. People only change if they want to. No amount of coaxing or chivvying from you will achieve that unless he wants to.

Beautiful3 · 25/09/2019 14:59

He is an adult so leave him to it. You live your life, let him live his

zxcvhjkl · 25/09/2019 16:54

If you had a tough upbringing the pair of you are probably closer than your average siblings, but that doesn't mean you need to bail him out continually or be responsible for him now. The more you solve his problems for him the more he will expect you to solve his problems. You have to break the cycle.

Reduce contact to save your sanity. Then let him live his life, make his mistakes and learn from them. So he fritters away all his inheritance - not your problem. Takes on children that may or not be his - not your problem. String of unsuitable women - not your problem. Life lacking direction - guess what? It's not your problem.

You have to cut him loose. He is a grown man and not your responsibility. I'm not saying it will be easy, but until you do that he will continue to lean on you.

Original poster

Onetwistedsista · 26/09/2019 11:26

@VladimirsPoutine THANKS. At least 1 who actually gets it. Yes. Im a very concerned sister and maybe this sounds more "motherly " than sisterly but i only want what's best for him and don't want him having regrets later on. Is that such a sin? :(

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2019 14:55

Yes. Im a very concerned sister and maybe this sounds more "motherly " than sisterly but i only want what's best for him and don't want him having regrets later on. Is that such a sin?

Of course that's not a sin, but realistically, what do you think you can DO about it? If he won't take advise, refuses to grow up and behave responsibly, there is not a single thing you can do to help him. Enabling him will only make things worse. He needs to fend for himself.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/09/2019 15:02

You don't sound 'motherly' at all. I have 4 sisters and when they hurt I hurt too. I can't get on board with Mumsnet 'nuclear' family mentality. Whilst I agree and have said as such that you can't change someone who doesn't want to change, that doesn't render you interfering or controlling or any other bizarre hyperbolic term.

I hope to high heaves the baby isn't his. Moreover I'd tell him that until he decides that he wants to change then you can no longer help him as it's having a negative impact on you. Tell him you will always be there, but he needs to want to change as you will no longer humour him in his destructive life choices.

I wish more siblings cared as much as you OP.

dollydaydream114 · 26/09/2019 15:06

i only want what's best for him and don't want him having regrets later on. Is that such a sin?

It's not a sin at all to be concerned, but you described yourself as 'pissed' at him.

Concern is fine, but you still need to accept that he is a grown man who has to be allowed to make his own choices, even if they are choices you think are wrong. Realistically, you cannot run his life for him.

Also, while you want what's best for him, what you think is best for him might not tally up with what he thinks is best for him. If I'd done what my sister thought was best for me when I was younger, I would have been pretty miserable.

purpleboy · 26/09/2019 15:27

Agree with Vladmir
I don't understand this hardline people take with family on mn.
He is your brother he is making stupid choices, does that mean we automatically step aside and watch them self destruct? Of course not we try to help and support and hope our encouragement will allow them to see the mistakes they are making.
Unfortunately for me op I'm no with my brother after years of drug abuse I had too for my own family protection, but it didn't stop me spending years trying to help him. Just didn't work out for me us the end. Hopefully you have a better ending.

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 15:44

In what way do you mean bailing him out?

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 15:48

To be honest with everything you've put, he sounds happy. . But YOU aren't happy with the women he's with, the job he has or what he's spending his money on?

He's an adult- I would understand more if he was am addict with no job and spending all his money on drugs and wasn't happy himself but... he sounds happy? I feel from your post your concern is because you don't agree with his life and that's all.

Not everyone wants to work abroad, some people love their partners regardless of having kids before meeting, some people don't start driving until later than your brother! Just let him live his life the way he wants too and you yours.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2019 15:54

I know a young man who sounds exactly like your brother. In his case, he's already, despite everyone telling him not to run through his inheritance including lending large amounts of money to freeloader friends who won't ever pay him back. He's now completely broke and unable to do things that would improve his life. He is in an enterprise with others and now they are stuck with either cancelling planned things or paying his share too. But its too late to help him now.
I don't think there is anything wrong with telling it to your brother as you see it now before its too late and pointing out that if he continues on this path you won't be able to help him financially because your responsibility is to your DC...at least he's been warned in advance and that's at least better than waiting for the inevitable and then saying I told you so. Is there anything that might help him. Debt councilling? Therapy? Career Councilling?

Original poster

Onetwistedsista · 27/09/2019 20:22

Thank you @VladimirsPoutine

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Original poster

Onetwistedsista · 27/09/2019 20:25

Im sorry purpleboy :(

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Original poster

Onetwistedsista · 27/09/2019 20:29

@dollydaydream114 yes i realize pissed is quite harsh, more like dissapointed

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