AIBU to not know what on earth to do?

[SundayGirlB]

With my sick MIL. Has had MH condition for years but now in early 70s and consumed by it.

Both children and families live at opposite ends of the country, MIL situated a day's drive from both.

We've been told she'll not get better. Really don't know what to do for the best. She is in the house she raised children in with DH (now deceased) with strong attachments to area and wouldn't want to leave, though she isn't seeing friends anymore or leaving the house. We can't move - jobs, my own mother has been unwell etc and will probably live with us in 10-15 years. BIL not tied down by job but family have roots where they are and the area MIL is in is lovely but not somewhere either family would choose to live.

We've been told residential care likely but she is resistant and feels too young for this. Not sure her moving in with one of us would help as she would be away from support network and memories.

Currently gets visits from either son once a month and health workers twice weekly. Very reluctant/unable to discuss situation openly. Only options I can see are:

• One of us move with massive upheaval for family
• MIL move in with one of us - fear leaving her home would have detrimental effect and unsure we would know how to help her
• Residential care for next 10-15 years there or in children's location
• Nothing and wait till crisis point forces one of above

Just feel she can't go on as she is. Argh.

It sounds like she needs residential care. You say she's consumed by her mh condition, is she able to make her own decisions? Is there a power of attorney set up?

Alas if she can make her own decisions and won't go (and having to sell the house to find care doesn't make it any easier) then it's just a case of waiting for a crisis.

How much are the social workers involved?

Out of those options I'd look at residential care in an area local to one of her dc tbh, although the decision ultimately rests with her (unless she lacks capacity).

Would supported living be an option, or family members supporting more regular visits from a carer?

Do you mean that her DH is dead, or yours? I think you meant hers - your husband's father.

Can you be more specific about her actual needs? If this is a condition which she has had for many years and she is now consumed by it, do you know what generally happens to people who have it?

What does your DH think? And would you be happy to have her living with you?

I’m sorry, such a horrible situation to be going through. I’ve no experience of this at all but it doesn’t seem feasible for any of you to move. Residential care sounds the only option really. My husbands grandma went into a care home in December after she started to let her self care go downhill - she cried the whole week before but is really happy there now. She’s made lots of friends and the staff are lovely, she loves her little bedroom and there’s always something to do and someone to talk too. We thought she’d go downhill going in there but it’s been the opposite in fact! I hope it all works out for you all.

I think residential care really. Just needed to hear it from others. I am early 30s with new baby, we want another, having other live with us not ideal. Feel so selfish saying that.

Sorry @TheMustressMhor- her husband, DH's father died over 10 years ago and this triggered an anxiety disorder. My DH thinks she always had ot but his father managed it when he was alive. So sad. She has been in hospital for it in the past, managed it with my DHs help over the years but it has now come back full force. We have to check that she is eating etc when she is really bad.

Not sure if we are in power of attorney waters yet but good point- she let us speak to her health workers who told us it's unlikely to improve but they didn't mention POA.

@Stompythedinosaur I wondered about a carer who came to her home for now to check she is eating, getting out and see how she is.

My gran lived till her late 90s in sheltered accommodation (a small bungalow with a warden on the estate) plus carers that came in once or twice a day. She kept her independence and stayed in the area she had lived in all her life, but she had a lot of help when she needed it.

It’s so tough. Old age seems to be so much about compromise

Sounds perfect for Extra Care Sheltered Housing. This is sheltered housing with care staff onsite 24/7 to provide care (and in this case reassurance). She would still have her own flat or house in the complex so it is alot cheaper than residential care and more independent. Look at McCarthy and stone or your/her local council website for local schemes. Alot are owned by housing associations A2Dominion have alot in the South East. (Although I work in this field I work for a LA not any of the companies named).