Real or fake friends?

[Countryescape]

Hi there. I've also posted about this in relationships.

Recently I've become quite down about the fact that although my "friends" seem keen to see me when I organise things, they almost never reciprocate.

I've noticed for a while that unless I organise catch ups, I will never see them. I pulled back a bit and just wanted to see if I didn't make the effort, if they would. And you guessed it, I haven't heard from any of them in months. We all live in the same city so distance isn't an issue.

I can be a bit sensitive at times, but this is getting to me and I wanted to see what you all thought? I know personally that if I want to see someone I will make the effort, so does that suggest they actually aren't great friends and don't care? Or am I reading into things too much? I have a lovely family and a great job and am really happy otherwise.

I think friendship should be more of a two way street. AIBU?

What do you all think?

TIA :)

That would make me feel rubbish too, OP. I haven’t seen your previous posts, but are they the type to simply not be proactive in making plans? Do they often make plans with each other that you know of?

I have a friend who is absolutely one of my closest friends, but if I left it to her, we’d rarely speak! It’s just how she is, but I know she loves me just as much as I do her, so I’ve come to accept it now.

Hi @Breadandbutter thanks for responding. Some of them aren't that proactive but overall I think they do a lot with other people. I should add, I am never excluded from group catchups (it's a group of about 7 of us who have known each other for years) but also not asked to do anything one on one with virtually any of this group. I've realised I've actually organised pretty much every catch up with all of them for the last 6 months or so. I just feel a bit shit about it. I try to be a nice, kind, inclusive person. I can't help but doubt myself a bit to be honest.

Sometime people assume the role of organiser because they are better at it. If they come to the catch ups you organise, they must want your company.
Next time, suggest people take it in turns to organise.

If they are used to you being the organiser, they may not be in the habit, or may assume you aren't inviting them because you are busy.

Invite them and tell them

Some people just aren't very good at organising things. If you are the organiser, then that has become your default role. Are your event swell attended, if so, then that a mark of your popularity.

It could be worse, my partner is quite ill and people still think he should be organising things. If they do take the impetus, he still gets a million phone calls or texts when resting asking for other people phone numbers or help with things. Its very thoughtless and intrusive, but he is tremendously popular and capable.

If you're part of the group, I wouldn't be overly concerned. I love group settings but hate one-on-one with most people.

Even though you live in the same city, they may just be carried away. They could just be spending time with people from work, neighbours who are nearby and that they're trying to build a friendship with.

How often would they initiate texts? And how long does it take to get a reply?

@ThatFlamingCandle thanks for replying! Maybe I am the default organiser. I never get texts from them unless it's on a group Facebook chat. When I text them, they reply in a reasonable time frame. I just feel if I didn't organise things then there would be no friendship. I'm starting to feel like a bit of a fraud when we catch up in a group. It can literally be four months and I've seen none of them, or had any contact really. So I feel like it's all very on the surface if you know what I mean?

@powerbunting yes they probably do think I am busy if I don't invite them. I am busy but not all the time! I'd just like an invite to coffee once in a while that isn't prompted by me.

@ThinkerThunkk I'm so sorry to hear your husband isn't well. That's awful. Yes people can be inconsiderate and thoughtless sometimes. I feel it is becoming a bit of an "all about me" culture where no one is willing to put themselves out at all. Take care xx

I am you! I have always been the organiser and with me it applies to both family AND friends. I have periodically wondered whether it was something about me that made people not want to initiate contact but actually it I've found it's reallt not worth over thinking it.

If you're able to organise getting together and you all enjoy it when you do get together, continue to do it. Now I'm a mum with two jobs I find spare time so scarce that I tend to only organise big group meet ups because I don't have time for anything else.

I have the same issue with alot of my friends! With one in particular I sometimes do the same and don't contact her just to see how long it takes her to ring me! Usually ages then when I say I haven't heard from you for ages she says well I could say the same! So I can't win! But she's quite s self absorbed person so I try not to take it personally. I think maybe the posters on here saying that we fall into roles like that of organiser are right. So I'm trying to accept that some people just aren't good at keeping in touch, it's just the way they are. I'm actually trying more to gauge how my friends make me feel at the moment and dropping the ones who are negative and don't make me feel good about myself. Someone made a very disparaging remark when I said I was going for a job recently which made me stop and think really? So even if your friends aren't great at getting in touch if they are supportive and fun to be around value them for that!

@Countryescape

If that's the case I'd slowly distance myself, I mean if none of them in the group can be bothered to organise/message you, then that sounds like a bit of a superficial friendship. I'd try and meet a new group of friends if possible.