To not answer the phone to my mum immediately

[IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow]

Hi all,

Bit of background. My mum has suffered years of ill mental health and was widowed 6 years ago. She is a younger widow.

She is very full on and has behaved so terribly in the past that my siblings are nc as are my deceased dads family.

I had a period of nc with her (3 months) after she was just vile to me (telling me I should have been aborted, I wasn’t my dads child etc). Enough was enough.

8 months ago, she just turned up at mine. I felt sorry for her as she is lonely and struggles with mh and physical health. I decided to instill some boundaries, this is very hard with her. I have never had nc with her before, so felt this may have made her think about her behaviour.

I have managed to push back when she starts calling every day, sometimes 2/3 times. This can very quickly escalate to 10 plus times a day. I haven’t fed into her drama and have been more blunt in cutting it off ( I’m very very soft hearted usually).

So today, and I appreciate this may seem small to some;
I’m getting home and see an unknown caller calling my mobile. I answer and it’s mum, asking if I’m ok. All good and a quick call.
Then as I put the phone down, I see she’s called me only 5 mins before (not witheld) then text me ‘is everything ok?’.

I text her asking why she did this and she tells me that she called on witheld to check I was ok... I probed further, assuring her that if I don’t answer the phone it’s because I’m busy, but I’ll always call her back. She responds with; sometimes she gets a gut feeling somethings wrong and has to act on it (this was her reason for just turning up at mine that day too).

I do suffer with my health and I appreciate she may worry about that, but it just seems very strange she’d do that and I’m struggling with how to respond to her..

My aibu is am I unreasonable to not answer the phone immediately, every time she calls? Or am I being a terrible daughter?

Aibu = I should answer the phone as soon as she calls
Nbu = I shouldn’t have to answer the phone immediately.

Sorry for the long rant..

Oh look, I gave your votes 100 % YANBU! 😀

Haha @butchy love that as much as I love the username 😂

Of course YANBU - your mum is being very obsessive. It's not normal to call someone several times a day, it's normal to expect an instant answer and it's not normal to suddenly have 'gut feelings that something is wrong' that make you turn up on someone's doorstep, bombard them with calls etc.

You say in your post that she's been mentally unwell - I think it's pretty clear that she still is.

Also, the calling, texting and then calling again with a withheld number is not 'concern' - it's manipulation. She withheld the second time because she wanted to see if you were deliberately ignoring her the first time. She's essentially saying 'If you do not speak to me when I want you to, I will force you by tricking you.'

I don't have the vote option but YANBU! It can be really difficult to put boundaries in place and is a long process sometimes but it sounds like you definitely need them.

@dollydaydream114
You make a lot of sense and thank you for putting it bluntly. I’ve dealt with her alone for so long, I struggle to see what’s normal anymore! Hence why I posted.

She’s had 10 years of intense mh intervention that reduced over the last two years. I think you’re right, she’s still having issues and is still trying to manipulate and control. I thought exactly that after the witheld call, she was seeing if I’d answer.

@cheeseislife8 thank you! I sure do, this isn’t a patch on what I used to get. So I’m hoping they’re working somewhat! 😊

"I thought exactly that after the witheld call, she was seeing if I’d answer."
Yes, she was but she may not do this if you answer her in the first place. Perhaps have a chat and ask her only to ring for chats at certain times on certain days because you are busy at other times. Explain that calling too much is very off-putting as is clinginess.

The problem with many MH issues is that telling someone not to call too often or putting any limits on it doesn't work. OP can you get your DM back to the level of support she used to have? She may have MH problems but she's clearly canny enough to turn up on your doorstep and use caller number withheld. What do you think her future is if her MH worsens or as she heads to old age? is there a family plan even given the fact your siblings and her husband's family are NC?

Yes, she was but she may not do this if you answer her in the first place.

I think that’s a dangerous way of thinking. It’s not reasonable to expect anybody to always instantly drop what they’re doing and answer their phone as soon as it rings, especially not when they are ringing several times a day. And even if the OP is not physically busy with something else, she is entitled to some headspace and to decide when she is ready to speak to her Mum, who is undeniably hard work.

Perhaps have a chat and ask her only to ring for chats at certain times on certain days because you are busy at other times. Explain that calling too much is very off-putting as is clinginess.

That might work, although from what OP says my hopes wouldn’t be high that she would respect these boundaries. So where would that leave OP? Choosing when and when not to answer, that’s where.

You’re carrying a heavy load here, everyone else finds her too difficult to deal with and you’re left to cope.
You know it’s not unreasonable to look after yourself.

@crosstalk shes undeniably much better than she was. She used to call incessantly, threaten me if I wasn’t answering (this could be after she’s called 10 times already that day and called my partner). She’d text, call then last resort would be her emailing me a pic of my dad (dead in his hosp bed). Or unleashing horrendous abuse.
That’s just for perspective really, her mh team have withdrawn as she’s so much better.
Honestly, I can’t think that far ahead. I’m not sure what the long term plan is. It’s a real struggle.

@@Idontwanttotalk@PuzzledObservor is spot on!
She’d be devestated (literally) if I tried to just explain it as nicely and simply as you suggest. She wouldn’t respect it as she can’t help herself tbh

@Herocomplex thank you 💐 I do feel like I’m left to deal with it all alone.