To not want my daughter to be with this boy?

[Jollynnoo]

Name changed for this as could be outing

DD(16 yr 11) is with a boy (also 16 and yr 11) and i dont want her to be with him.

I've spoken to him before and he was rude, he gets into fights, is rude at school and disrupts the lessons (DD even said the before and she been in all his lessons since year 7 and she was constantly complaining about him so don't have a clue why she's with him as shes called him annoying on several occasions), probably has anger issues and has no manners.

Yesterday DD wanted him to come round for dinner so I agreed (she said it was a friend and I didn't know it was him anyway) and then she announced that he was her boyfriend. He didn't even thank me for cooking or letting him come.

I feel like he will make her fail her gcses.

What should I do??

Don't tell her any of this, it will increase the appeal.

Just be nice to him and it'll probably fizzle out on its own.

I haven't told her this.

It seems odd though as it was even the start of term when she was complaining that he was annoying and always disrupts the lessons. And that he was fighting with people again.

She’s flattered someone cool and “hard” fancies her and is interested in her. Have you looked at a bunch of 16 year old boys? The majority truly look like boys. They ARE boys. The fighting etc is rubbish and immature, but she is also very young and part of her might find it a bit exotically thrilling, particularly if she has always been “good”.
You must play the long game for all your sakes.
Do NOT have a big downer on him, if you have expressed worries leave it at that, if you haven’t then I would say something like “I must say I’m a bit concerned about him after everything you’ve told me about him in the past, - but you know him best I suppose... - as long as he treats you well and makes you happy, then I’m happy.” - That shows you respect her and her judgement but shows you care about her. It also leaves the door open for when he doesn’t make her happy/ treat her well.
Then do not snip about him or at him, welcome him to the house, ignore his lack of manners, - he’s not your child and won’t be your problem forever. Be very, very inclusive.
If you haven’t had it lately, repeat the BC conversation with your daughter, including information as to where she can access it confidentially without you going with her if she prefers that, - I know people would say if she’s mature enough to have sex she should be mature enough to talk about BC with her approachable mother but that’s all wishful bollocks. The main goal is her not suffering lasting damage from this relationship and that includes unwanted pregnancy.
If he’s not nice, he will start to be not nice to her, and she hopefully won’t feel any resistance to ending it due to any “us against them” mindset, or not wanting you to have been right. She will be much more likely to confide in you.
If he’s not really a bad lad but has been acting out for whatever reason and hasn’t had the best role models, then being with your daughter and her family may give him the space to drop the attitude and relax and be himself. In the second scenario you haven’t alienated them.

The main thing is not to push your daughter away. It will take a lot of self control on your part if he is a dick. They are very young, but you need to be aware that you don’t have much power in this situation, because they are 16. It’s such a difficult age for everyone. They have many adult freedoms but without true adult maturity, - but don’t even think about trying to tell them that.

I'm just worried he will make her fail her gcses

He is a child, he didn't wake up one morning and be like, you know what, I've had such a great upbringing but actually I'll be totally rude to everyone and see how far it takes me in life.

Be kind to him, show him love and compassion and open up your home to him, he may never have had any of that in his short life so far.

Just remember that you are the adult and that your daughter will see who she wants to see regardless if they are a bit of a dick so behave like the responsible one, say the right things and see how it pans out. And when it does all go to shit, be there for your daughter and don't give her "I told you so".

I haven't told her I don't like him. I'll have the BC talk with her again because maybe he hasn't have the talk. I don't know if he is normally a bad kid but since she started secondary she's been complaining about him and I've had to report him to the school numerous times because he used to bully her and her friends and then he started bullying nephew when he started secondary.

Oh come on the vast majority of us had a boyfriend (hell even a dh for some) that mummy didn’t like 🤷🏻‍♀️ Most don’t dump them because mummy doesn’t like him. I think for many it’s just part of being young but most also soon learn boys like that are fine to hang about with for a bit but that’s all they are good for.

He can only make her fail her gcse if you allow her school attendance, home work to slip.......

I won't allow her homework and school attendance to slip but I can't stop her from copying his behaviour by Being disruptive, skipping classes and not putting effort into school work etc.

Haha I was very shy and "sweet" and not one of the "beauties" at school yet had a huge secret crush on the most disruptive, foul mouthed scruffy looking boy who bunked off about 70% of the time. The teachers absolutely hated him. I never stood a chance but if he'd have shown the slighest interest I'd have been so flattered! Crazy to think of it now. I think he'd have lost his appeal within a week, because there's no way I'd have had the guts to bunk off & smoke & drink vodka in the loos etc!

Hopefully she'll see sense vvv quickly OP.

I was your daughter, my parents rode it out with the boyfriend, it lasted a year, but they encouraged me to do revision, coursework and homework before seeing him. Their argument was get it done, and I'd have more time with him.

I agree with every word of LightDrizzle's post.

OP, try not to worry. I was a very "good girl" at school, but when I was 15/16 I was in a relationship with a "bad boy" who took drugs, failed his exams etc. It didn't affect my GCSE results and hopefully your DD is sensible enough to be the same.

Sorry posted too soon.

It worked, I'd get the work done and see him 2 nights a week and one weekend day. I got my predicted and better than grades thanks to the encouragement of getting stuff done and getting the gratification of seeing him.
Initially I wanted to do the work and see him same day, but the workload was too high so we started with 3 evenings and then 2 evenings. The relationship fizzled at October half term in year 11 as I entered practice exams and he was getting on my nerves.

In the nicest possible way, the only person who can make your daughter fail her GCSEs is her.

Like PPs have said, most of us have had boyfriends our parents didn't like - you can't really control that. Just do what you can to make sure she doesn't lose focus on her school work and it'll probably just fizz out after a while.

His poor behaviour cant make her fail her GCSEs and if she does, it will be because of choices she makes. She's not 4 so you shouldn't need to worry about her "copying" but more about her being influenced by a more negative peer group. Is she a strong g personality, or easily led?

I know she will only make herself fail but she could be influenced by him to not listen and try her best in exams and to skip class etc.

Just say nothing and welcome him (with a smile and gritted teeth obviously).
If he s truly bad she will learn and break up with him. If not he might drop the attitude and be influenced by your dd.
She wont listen to you at 16 but she might listen to her friends if she gets sick of his bad boy behaviour and talks to them.
If you alienate him you automatically glamourise him into some misunderstood rebel with a cause that only she can save.

I know she won't listen to me but I haven't spoken to her about me not liking him.

He did seem ok yesterday apart from him not using any manners but I remember how dd used to complain him and them he was bullying dd and her friends and then nephew.

I also think it isn't up to DD to change his behaviour.

I'm just worried he will make her fail her gcses

Why? Is he burning her revision notes or something?

@dollydaydream114 no, I'm worried he will make her fail by influencing her to skip class, not put effort in, disrupt lessons and not concentrate on exams etc.

You can't do anything and attempting to will only make things much worse. Focus on encouraging her to keep working hard at school and thinking about her future after GCSEs.

I’ve just been through this with mine. I allowed her to see him a reasonable amount and cracked the revision whip the rest of the time - asked her to meet me in the middle if you like. She got 6/7 as expected and the relationship is now over (not that I’m pleased or anything....)