Would I be unreasonable to ask my Gran to stop

[PinkPugInShades]

Me and DH are going through a really hard time at the moment. We've had a few pregnancy losses at varying stages and I'm really struggling.

My Gran is a lovely woman but very very religious. She knows about the situation because I was taken into hospital and my father told her.

She now regularly calls to ask how I'm doing which is nice but I feel like I can't be honest anymore. Every time I've said 'not great actually' or whatever, she goes on to talk to me about God and how I just have to believe this is his plan for me etc etc.

Even when I don't say anything about it, I still get it.

I really want to scream that if this is really what she thinks her god's plan is for me then he's a fucking shit.

But I won't obviously. But how, if at all, can I politely ask her to stop?

I really want to scream that if this is really what she thinks her god's plan is for me then he's a fucking shit.

This might be the only way.

Sorry you're having problems. The last thing you need is god-bothering, however well-meaning.

Yes you can absolutely politely ask her to stop! And if she still doesn't stop then you do your screaming line - that was beautiful.

"Gran, I love you and I understand that your faith is important to you, but right now all it is doing for me is making me hate the world more. Please could you just leave faith out of this and comfort me with sympathy instead."

Your grans at a loss to what to say to you tbf to her.
Religious people tend to bring god into sad situations.
Please give her the benefit of the doubt.

Could you get your parent to talk to her?

I’m so sorry for your losses.
I think I read a thread here recently where the OP said that because people never know what to say when they haven’t experienced infertility and/or losses themselves they have a tendency to avoid the topic or say weel meaning but ill informed words of support which often only adds to the burden.
It’s clear your gran is trying to help, but something like this that is so out of everyone’s control makes it hard to offer any words of genuine comfort as you know.
I think what she’s probably trying to say is that this is not your fault and what will be will be. It’s just a shit situation and there is no comfort in that. Add to that the Religious element I think if you’re not personally religious yourself then the whole ‘Gods plan’ business can seem really harsh.

Sorry that was all a bit rambling, but you know she means no harm but she is inadvertently causing it. I think you should talk to her to the effect of “Gran I know you’re trying to help and I appreciate that, but the whole idea that ‘God’s Plan’ is for me to suffer actually makes me feel worse. There’s nothing that can be said to fix this and I’m trying my best to cope but the situation is just horrible and unfair and right now I’m not in a place where I can find comfort in what you are saying, although I appreciate that you are trying”

Your grans at a loss to what to say to you tbf to her
Religious people tend to bring god into sad situations.
Please give her the benefit of the doubt

Why?

And she doesn't have to bring god into it, she chooses too.
So she could choose to stop it.

*to

My first thought was that she is probably hurting for you and doesn't have another way to express it.

If this had been me and one of my nans, I would have been quite straight and just said, nan, I appreciate you're trying to make me feel better but I don't share your faith and your words about god just make me feel irritable; can we talk about something else because that would cheer me up better.

It's hard sometimes, these are the women who were once us. Going through the ups and downs we experience at the starting of a family. They've been here, and they've seen their own kids there too, now it's us.

When you have that level of respect and love for someone, it can be hard to know how to put things. I hope you find the right thing to say and that things improve.

Youre going through enough, I’d talk to your Dad. Tell him to have a talk with her about it.

My SIL’s mother told her that the reason she got pregnant after adopting a child first was that god was rewarding her for doing a good thing. Was he punishing her then all those years she was trying? Really upsetting.

YANBU.

I understand that a lot of people find comfort in their faith and I respect that it’s a deeply held belief that adds to their life. But when it starts to impact negatively on their interactions with other people, that’s when I start to be .

Different situation, but my in-laws are v religious Irish catholic’s. When I was pregnant with dd, I would be having an excited conversation about the baby, baby equipment or life after the birth with MIL and my FIL would pipe up from the corner “Well, God willing.” Every. Single. Time.

Thanks FIL. So if anything happens to the baby or me during the pregnancy and birth it’s because God just didn’t fancy our chances?

He also refused to look at scan photos, like would actually cover his eyes while my (lovely and excited) MIL cooed over them.

I absolutely respect their faith, but the whole situation made it obvious that he wasn’t able to respect my lack of one.

My stepgran was like this when my nan was in ICU literally dying.

"We're praying for her every day, and the reverend has been including her in his sermons. She's going to be fine, God is loving"

Blah blah blah

I KNEW she was dying. We had to turn the machines off eventually and let her go.

Then it was "God always takes the best ones, it's obviously its His will, He wants her in heaven with Him.

I had to go NC. For all the years I knew her I could never get through any conversation with her without God being brought in. It was exasperating, and eventually bad for my mental wellbeing. But she would NOT take either hints nor direct comments that I don't believe in God and don't want to hear it.

I'm not suggesting you go NC with your own DGM but it is not wrong to let her know you don't share the same beliefs and that you'd prefer your conversations to not be centred on her religious beliefs.

Thanks. I do know she thinks she's helping, or is just at a loss as to what to say.

I don't want to be rude, I just have so much anger at the moment and am not in a place where I want to be discussing god's plan for me all the time.

I think I do have to find a polite way to ask her to stop. It makes me not want to see her as awful as that sounds. A few posters have given me some ideas as to what to say, thank you.

After my miscarriage, someone very close to me said: "maybe God is telling you not to have children.". It made me so upset for a very long time afterwards as my faith was very important to me.

Id be honest and say; I appreciate you keeping me in your prayers but please keep god out of this conversation. Please be my Gran and give me comfort

How old is your gran? If she is over 70 it’s veey possible she has experienced losses too as back in the day women were encouraged not to view themselves as pregnant until 3 months ‘just in case’ and stillbirths were far, far more common than they are now. Have you asked her if she has ever experienced loss?

Sorry you are going through this

How about, "I really don't find it helpful hearing this, though I know you are trying to be supportive. It would be more useful to me to know that you are praying for us"? That way, you're giving her a specific religious task, whilst stopping the well- meaning but very hurtful plan stuff. Or would this just encourage her?

My mum has been in hospital two years now, during that time I had a miscarriage and a nasty split.
People I work or socialise with are of all different cultures and religions, many have said they have prayed for me. If this brings them comfort or a way to show me they care I don’t mind.
I’m non religious but understand how it helps people.

She is 72 I believe!

No excuse for someone of 72 to say that! I am a person of faith, not a million miles off her age, suffered 7 years of infertility and pregnancy loss heartbreak myself and I cringed at the words you report.

Is she actually part of a regular congregation and involved in activities beyond Sunday worship - a house group or prayer circle perhaps - or is she just 'religious' in the sense of parroting thoughtless clichés?

If she is active in a church, could you ask her to seek advice from her fellowship and its leaders to get some ideas on what she could say that would be helpful rather than alienating? There are certain to be people there who understand first-hand what you are going through. They can be blunter with her than you feel able to be!

If she is a nominal Christian with no church links, I'd be inclined to think you could politely say, "Nan, your comments about God's plan are just making me feel as if what we're going through is punishment. It's very upsetting. Could you please just say you're praying for us instead?"

If she agrees and sticks to it, fine. If she agrees and re-offends, remind her the first time and if she carries on, you could just calmly say, "Nan, you're doing it again, so I'm going to say goodbye and hang up now. I love you." Click!

If she actually tells you she thinks you ARE being punished and there must be unconfessed sin or something in your life, you are entitled to hang up and go NC forever!

If babies only came to people who were perfect, there wouldn't be many of us walking the earth, would there?

If I made a list of all the crass, cruel, ignorant, thoughtless and painful things people - some of them kind and well meaning, some of them loving friends and family members - said to us on our journey it would fill a book so sad nobody would read it.

Yet when we succeeded, those same people were quick to tell us they 'always knew' we would have a happy ending! 🙄