AIBU want hardworking dad to do more?

[TheHappyMummy]

Hi guys so my partner works 12 hour shifts on a seven day rota with 3 or 4 days off every 7 days so he works away and comes home the days when he is off. I’m at home with a 8 yo 2 yo and 7month baby with zero support from anyone. When he is home is knackered because it’s also night n day shifts switching every week but I’m also knackered and I feel that he should just take the kids off me when he is home he does kind of but mostly when it’s convenient so I feel frustrated because if he’s home sorting the kids is like optional to him but he does change diapers n stuff but he’s never really been hands on like taking initiative or anything?? Is my frustration silly? I mean he is working for us after all? But then both of us might feel the same?

I know kind of how you feel. My exH worked 6/7 days a week whilst I was at home looking after dc. He would come home knackered and that was that. He couldn't see that I was totally knackered too looking after dc 100% of the time.
He would also always make sure he made it to his hobbies twice a week whilst I didn't get a break. Felt like I was a single parent with no support and just an extra "child" at home to cook and clean up after.

Fair to say we are now divorced as I couldn't do it anymore. Yes he was earning money for the family but I could never work out how all the extra hours still left us absolutely broke. When we divorced I found out he had been earning a load more than what he had been telling me and I still to this day (5 years later) know where that money went.

It is hard when you think it should be a partnership but you don't get a break from the kids.
Have you spoken to him about it? Is there a way he can cut down work and you get a pt job?

So in his 3-4 days off he doesn't take the kids to give you a break? What an arse hole - if he's working away, he'll have had good nights sleep and not had to deal with children so absolutely he should take the kids when he's home. What a selfish man child YANBU OP.

Thanks for responding appreciate it yh I completely get it when they are home we make extra effort on top of everything sigh sorry to hear your husband was deceiving you like that not fair at all

If he has 3 - 4 days off even with the swap of shifts then he has 2.5 - 3.5 days when he can parent his own kids. Added to that the baby has only started to know day from night.

I just feel totally burnt out and instead of feeling understood or supported I feel like I’m just a nag to him thats complaining which in turn makes me me feel worse and so lonely

In a good scenario the partner working the long hours will give the other partner a break.

Often the stay at home partner can fit breaks etc around the children.

To allow this we took an extra afternoon at nursery to allow a midweek break for the stay at home partner when we got 30 free hours childcare.

If not that then it’s down to the innate sense of fairness in both parties, making time both ways and trust.

Some weeks one will do more and the other less and reversed other times.

If you both don’t have the same sense of fairness it becomes very hard indeed. Thankfully my partner and I do but I would say it’s still leaning heavily towards one side than the other for chores and childcare.

That same partner also does end up with more time at home alone too over the week now the child is at school so it balances out in time.

I feel that he should just take the kids off me when he is home

If you want him to do 100% of the childcare when he's not working then YABU, but he should be doing 50%. You're both entitled to time off.

Can you set up a schedule so you get a set block of time off each day he's home, or 1 full day a week, or something else that works for you both?

He should do some, you should do some, and you should get a babysitter/ put the little ones on front of the telly/iPad and do something together. But you are BU if you expect him to do 100% or even most of the childcare when he comes home.

That's hard on both of you. For him he needs those days to rest and regroup and you have no days off at all ! Would it not be possible to get in some help for the days your husband is off so you can both rest & relax?

I’d work out some time for you both - he takes the kids for a couple of hours, you take the kids for a couple of hours and you both get some free time. If he’s away from home most of the week I don’t know that I’d expect him to instinctively know what needs done when because you’ll have a way of keeping things ticking over that he won’t know because he’s not there.

Instead of tackling him “in the moment” maybe make time when the kids are in bed to properly talk about it and come to some agreement.