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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to a sleepover

19 replies

narisha99 · 23/09/2019 22:06

DD9 has made friends with a girl who is new to the school and has been invited to a birthday sleepover next weekend. There will be 4 girls from the new school and a couple from her old school. As the girl is new to the school, I have never met the daughter or the mum and it doesn't sit comfortably to let her stay have a sleepover when I don't know the family at all.

Have tried to look out for friend/her parents at school drop off but she gets the school bus, so that didn't work!

DD is desperate to go - am I being overprotective to say no or should I let her go?

OP posts:
SlightlySleepy · 23/09/2019 22:12

Why don't you tell her you need to speak to the girls parents first and get some contact details from the daughter. If other parents have agreed then presumably they have a phone number for one of the parents of the girl? You'll need contact details anyway in case you need to contact your daughter while she's away. You wouldn't send your 9 year old to an unknown location without any means of getting hold of her.

Original poster
narisha99 · 23/09/2019 22:17

The mum contacted about it on whatsapp (she got my details from the year group) , so I have contact details and know the address. My concern is that I don't know what they are like, will my daughter be safe there etc

OP posts:
Kindlethefourth · 23/09/2019 22:20

If you are uncomfortable then just don't do it. Trust your instincts. She is still rather young. We have a no term time sleepovers rule which DD2 loves as she likes her sleep and it means she can say no and blame me which is absolutely fine.

RedskyLastNight · 23/09/2019 22:21

Well why not ring up for a chat? Or ask if you can pop in and say hello when you drop off? With a 9 year old and a few DC there, I think it overworrying to think she won't be safe. You can always tell your DC to ring home if she is uncomfortable.

Notcontent · 23/09/2019 22:25

No, I don’t think you should let her go. Think about it - would you normally let a child go and sleep at a stranger’s house? No, you would not.

You don’t know the parents. You don’t know who else lives there.

BrokenWing · 23/09/2019 22:25

Ds did sleepovers when he was 9, but only with friends whose parents I had met a few times and he'd been in their house before .

The first time he went to a sleepover where I knew the boy, but not the parents, he was 11 and he was never allowed back!!!

brentwoodbaby · 23/09/2019 22:25

9 is a bit young for term time sleepovers- DD has her first at 10 then an average of 2 a year since- I wish I'd said no the morning after every single one!

I think you're over worrying from a safeguarding point of view - I never did the school run because I work full time and my DD would have been gutted if her friends couldn't come over because I didn't make friends with the other parents or joined the cliques...

IncrediblySadToo · 23/09/2019 22:25

I’d let her go, several friends from school will be there and the other girl is the new girl, just stop and say hi to the mum when you drop her off.

Notcontent · 23/09/2019 22:27

Just to add, my DD is 13 and the same rule still applies.

Original poster
narisha99 · 23/09/2019 22:51

Interesting that there's a divided opinion :-) If DD wasn't so keen to go then I would say no, but it is a tricky one.

Has just occurred to me that I know one of the mums of the other girls that has been invited - I'll message her and see if she has met new mum - and confirm that other friend is defo going!

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 23/09/2019 22:53

I’ve got a similar problem brewing. My DD8 (nearly 9) is begging to go to a sleepover ‘party’. Now I’ve met the mum, in fact I went to school with her a million years ago. But I don’t know the family, or the house, or what else they’re planning to do/go. Getting details is like blood from a stone. Apparently I’m being unreasonable for wanting to confirm details at this age.

It’s awkward, because what I do know about the parenting in that household doesn’t give me any comfort. The parents have ‘super important’ jobs and outsource care to a variety of nannies. School lunch is random crisps & sweets, and no setting or time controls on iPads, bedtimes, etc. Two older brothers in the house. There’s a good chance the mum won’t even be there!

I liked it better when the kids were younger and invitations necessarily came through the parents. You could make an excuse, and the kid never knew different. Now I’m a bit stuck explaining why not to my kid, without insulting her friend/the family.

Good luck with your decision, it’s tricky.

IHaveBrilloHair · 23/09/2019 22:54

Why don't you contact the Mum and get to know her a wee bit?

brentwoodbaby · 23/09/2019 23:08

For those of you concerned about strangers- are you aware that the vast majority of children who are abused know their abusers and they tend to be close to the family?

Please don't teach your children 'stranger danger' as it's an outdated lesson.

P.S to the lunchbox judge parent- my lunches at school were white bread, processed meat, crisps, a club bar and a can of coke on the way home. I'm doing alright.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 23/09/2019 23:37

How old are the children?

When DD was in Yr 7 she had a sleepover party and invited a whole load of girls who'd never met me or DH before and not only did they all come, most of them were dropped off by the parents who didn't even see them inside. DD has a November birthday, so they'd known each other for less than 3 months. I was Shock that they didn't even want to clap eyes on my, but apparently that's what happens in secondary school.

Maybe different if the girls are younger.

Apologies if it says the ages in the OP. I read it twice and didn't spot it!

TrainspottingWelsh · 23/09/2019 23:47

I agree with redsky. Also nobody is about to reveal their status as a nut job at first acquaintance, so unless you're planning on spending a decade with someone everyday first you aren't going to really know them.

Fwiw most people would have given my vile childhood situation fucking gold stars, but ran away shrieking from possibly the most genuinely lovely person you could ever leave dc with if you judged on the house and short acquaintance

Pinkyyy · 23/09/2019 23:50

I would certainly contact the mum and get to know her. You could even invite her for coffee, if she's new to the area she may really appreciate that. But I don't think 9 is too young for sleepovers and it would be nice for her to go.

Vicki7974 · 26/09/2019 20:11

Skittlesandbeer whilst i understand ur reservations - if you have bought ur kids up with good manners and grounding even if they go to a friends and do things you don’t accept in ur house what it the issue

Use it to talk to ur child - how cool is it they are allowed iPads all the time easily turns to isn’t it sad that they don’t get the opportunity to do x (activity ur family love).
It allows kids to see things from different perspectives and allows them to see people do things differently.

Unless they are plying the kids with alcohol or going to let them do something wildly inappropriate or unsafe then let them go.
Talk to ur dd and tell her u will leave ur contact details with the host and if for any reason she is uncomfortable or wants to come home to go to them and say she feels unwell

magratvonlipwig · 27/09/2019 08:13

Call the mum. Get to know her. She might need a friend
My 7 yr old went to stay with his best mate who we had known since they were 2. Knew the parents. Had been to the house. Nice people

He told me about a year later that the friend had a tv in his bedroom and they watched innapropriate movies all night. Not porn, but violent and sweary
So you never know even when you kbow people.

I would let her go after youd spoke to the other mum

HugoSpritz · 27/09/2019 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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