Stranger danger.

[KungFuPandaWorks]

I was walking to shops at about 3.40pm and a school girl stopped me and asked the time. I gave her the time and carried on walking, I hear foot steps catching me up and it's the girl again. I'm guessing she was a new year 7 so would be 11/12.

She tells me she has just done a detention and needs to be home by 4 but she has plenty of time so doesn't have too rush. I smile and say ok. She's still walking with me by my side. She starts with idle chit chat at first and then tells me her Mum isn't at home, neither is her dad and wont be until about 5 and she's extremely bored.

I turn to her and ask her have her parents never taught her stranger danger. She responds yeah, but you're a woman so I'll be safe. I tell her never ever, trust a stranger man or woman. She sort of looks at me strangely and walks ahead.

I told DH this and he said I was cruel and she was probably lonely and should have carried on letting her walk with me. I pointed out how just because I'm a woman doesn't automatically make me safe, and the girl advertised her house was empty. He still thinks I was being cruel.

WIBU?!

I once approached a mother with a buggy when walking home because I was being followed by some kids from school and asked if I could walk a little with her - stuff stranger danger, I was more scared of the bullies!

This girl could have had (or was expecting) a similar issue!

Fatbutt no other children about that I saw. She was late out. Seemed happy enough, and I'm guessing she would have said something with everything else she divulged.

Wow

YANBU (although you probably looked a bit scary after reinforcing the word danger )

Very concerning that she would blurt out that her house was empty, anyone could overhear and follow her home.

I do think maybe you could have phrased it a little bit more like a lesson that she could take away I.e.
"You know you really shouldn't tell strangers that you are alone at home, not everyone is nice" etc

She will probably cross the road when she sees you now

You know children are much more likely to get hurt by people they know than some random person in the street?

I always understood the the 'Stranger Danger' campaign was a tremendous failing.
More children are harmed by people they know than by complete strangers.

I tell her never ever, trust a stranger man or woman

I think that's a crap message, tbh. I have always taught my lot to never go off with strangers. But there could well be a situation where they need to ask for help, and they have to be able to approach a stranger and help. Most people can be trusted and will help.

And as others have said, most children know the people who abuse them.

While I agree most children are harmed by people they know, I don't think it should follow that stranger danger is a crap lesson, just because you're more likely to come to harm from someone you know, doesn't mean an opportunistic strangers with bad intentions won't harm you given the chance! They're not mutually exclusive!

That being said I do agree it's a difficult lesson to teach while also teaching children what to do if they need help and are alone etc

YABU!

I told DH this and he said I was cruel

DH is an arse who needs a dictionary.
Caring enough about a naive young stranger to educate them about harsh facts is NOT cruelty.

Leaving her in her ignorance would be cruel.

I never taught my son about 'stranger danger' because children are much safer imo when people talk to each other and they're not terrified to speak to people. I did teach him never to get in a car without checking with me first.

I think you were wrong and I agree with your dh.

I think stranger danger is bullshit. We shouldn't put the onus on kids to be wary and protect themselves.

Just because statistically you're more than likely to be harmed by a person you know, doesn't mean don't be wary of strangers. The girl was on her own and divulged that her house was empty. I could be a serial killer for all she knew.

She had been taught stranger danger, but clearly more aimed at men. I had no problem her asking me the time, it just concerned me that she then continued walking with me and telling me stuff. I have 2 daughters and would hope they wouldn't do that in years to come.

horse In an ideal world of course we shouldn't have too, but the world isn't a nice place. I don't think there is anything wrong in teaching children safety at all.

Stranger danger as we used to be taught it (and women and policemen...those were the days...were "safe" options we were given anyway) hasn't been taught for millions of years because supposedly it stops kids asking for help if they need it. Plus all the statistics etc.

I dont teach my DC about Stranger Danger, I teach them about tricky adults instead. Tricky adults could be someone you know, like your friends' parents or someone who works at the local shops, they could also be someone you don't know. Tricky adults are people who want you to come away with them but don't want you to ask your mum/dad first or they want to share a secret with you and don't want you to tell your mum/dad about it for whatever reason. They've been taught that the very first thing they should do if someone says to go with them is to check with me/DH, of the person says no or tries to stop them then they should run away or shout for help, ideally both. Also if someone asks them to keep an secret from us then they must tell us, even if the person asking them to keep it has said they'll be in trouble for telling. One of my DC doesn't get it due to neurodevelopment disabilities but the others do.

This girl sounds very naive to be left alone, I wonder if it's a very recent thing with her moving up to big school if your estimate of her age is accurate. I also wonder if her house was actually empty or if she was just trying to big herself up and make it seem like she's very grown up. Did she have a uniform on that show what school she goes to? If you have enough if a description to identify her then you could let the school office know and they'd be able to let the mum know what she's been doing. A classmate of DS' was roaming around after school when they were in year three (age 7/8), knocking on doors and asking people outside the corner shop if he could borrow 50p for food. I told the office who told his mum who was mortified as she thought he was at his grandma's house while she was at work, grandma had been sending him out to play without much thought about what he was actually doing while out.

Whilst I understand your point, I think it’s cruel if you left her alone whilst she was scared/lonely/worried etc. She does come across as clingy/naive but how would you want a grown adult to treat your daughter in the same situation?

@Venger that's a really great approach, I'll use that with DD

I’d have been nice to the girl, and let her stay with me. At least I’d know during that time she was safe at least. I’d also have written a note for her to pass to her parents. A very pointed one, about their responsibilities and explaining about care options.

I get the bit that OP wanted to put the girl off from approaching strangers, but on balance I’d say this kid is too used to doing it to stop.

Reminded me of the Dad who picked me up as a hitchhiker (it was the 80’s, in a holiday resort where every kid hitched around). He parked the car, and gave me such a telling-off about accepting lifts with strangers that I never did it again! Funny how I hated him so much at the time, but now see he was being kind!

It's all very well teaching children about stranger danger, but they don't really understand what a stranger is. I told my children that they do not know the person walking the dog in the park, they pass every day on the way to school, etc
On another occassion, we were waiting at the bus stop, when an elderly couple starting talking to us, and being very friendly. I was polite but later tried to explain to my DC, that although I was polite, you don't tell people personal details about yourself, such as 'I always leave my front door key under the doormat, and we are going on holiday tomorrow', type of information.
You would think a 11/12 year old would understand, but I once gave a 11 year old a lift home. A completely strange boy, I had never met before. He passed my house, completely lost and over a mile to where he lived. Presume new school, etc. He was unfazed. I decided he was so far from home, the best thing to do was to give him a lift, and took my DS with me.
To be certain, I once told my DC that if they came out of school at anytime to be told, I could not collect them that day, that only certain parents, or grandparent (who I specified) would collect them, and not to go home with other people.

I'd have been a bit unnerved if a kid came and walked with me like that, I think you were right to tell her not to trust strangers.
I started teaching stranger danger, then heard more about teaching who to look for, helpers in the community type stuff. So we switched.
Things like if you get lost in a theme park, find a Mum/Dad with a load of kids and a pushchair, ask them for help (most Mums/Dads would understand and have enough kids they wouldn't want more) In the shopping center, go to the till, ask the person serving for help.
Someone in the park asks you to help them, ignore and run off, Adults don't ask kids for help, they ask other adults.
Of course after learning this stuff Dd (5 at the time) decided to try it out. Hid in a department store, sneaked off to the till and had security asking for me over the tanoy. I could see her, and had to do the walk of shame across to the till to claim her.