Exes new partner moving in, do I tell her what he's like?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

He's a controlling and emotionally abusive twat, has been all his life. She may be starting to see it as it's impacting on his relationship with his daughter and she knows about it. She messaged me asking whether he's always been like this or is it recent. He obviously shows his best side whilst they don't live together but she is considering moving him into her house. I don't know the woman but I feel responsible for the mistake she's about to make. AIBU if I sit her down and tell her some home truths, or is it none of my business? My daughter only spends time with her dad at the moment because she likes the GF. She would be upset if they split.

She's asked you for your advice, so it is your business. I would meet her for coffee and give her both barrels. But I think women should look out for one another where possible, so I've never subscribed to the "beak out" philosophy on MN.

She messaged me asking whether he's always been like this or is it recent.

She asked you a direct question. I wouldn't lie to her if I were you.

I would because she's asked you. She sounds like she wants her suspicions confirmed.

Yes, let her know and also let her know you're not The Enemy. She'll know soon enough with or without you, at least this way she won't be made to believe it's all her fault.

She’s asked you so I’d tell her the truth.

at the asking though! I’ve never heard of anyone who has done that!

Thank you. I think the thing that makes me feel more strongly about it is that I know her kids don't see their dad for similar reasons. I don't want the poor woman to make the same mistake twice. He will be furious if he thinks I've interfered and I don't know what he'll do, but I have to do what I think is the right thing.

Definitely tell her. She asked so I think you have to be honest.

She asked so I would give her calm, non emotive facts.
Don't get involved in sharing specific anecdotes from your relationship as he could twist it to sound like the bitter ex.

Let her know where you are if she needs anything

I’d tell her, but I’d meet and tell her. You still have to put up with an arse of an ex because of your daughter - you might not want your criticism of him in writing, in case she shares it with him.
I’d only put in writing confirmation of her words - a text saying “did he do xyz”, I’d reply “yes”. But if I wanted to add “and abc” I’d rather do that verbally.

You have been asked, please tell her the truth.

HomewardHound

She possibly already has an idea just needs it confirming, plus doesn't want to make the same mistake again.

A very sensible thing to do far more people should do it.

I dont think you have interfered TBH, also why would she ask for your input if she was clear about it in the first place ? .She seems to be having some doubts here .Many people jump into another relationship too quickly, and end up regretting it I think she is wise to be cautious just tell her what he is like honestly (including any good points you can think of!)Your Ex should be cross with her not you !

Yes you need to tell her. She has reached out to you ! she must have some respect for you and your relationship with your ex.
I would lay down all the fact for her so she can decide what's best for her. Invite her out for a coffee and have a chat.

If you were in the same position would you want to know ?

Of course I would want to know. I just don't want to be seen as interfering or bitter (he accused me of being bitter very recently when I commented on the emotional abuse from our marriage and accused him of doing the same to our daughter).

But the unanimous replies have confirmed to me that it's the right thing to do.

Tell the truth but as pp said be calm and factual

I had this happen a few times with the abusive ex. I always met them - no text trail for him to find. It also means that they can see I am not the crazy person he makes out.

I then say, in whatever words are appropriate to the person and what they are asking, 'I'm not going to say anything about what he did to me, because he will say I am lying. I would advise you make a Claire's Law application on him, and if you want to ask me about particular concerns you have, I can already tell you your concerns are well-founded.' If they then want to talk about what worries them, I will talk in general terms about how that is the tip of the iceberg, but is an indication of where things will get worse - and they will get worse.

But tbh, the Clare's Law application on the ex brings up horrific stuff, so it should put anyone off.

She's asking you because she has her suspicions. It would be great if you felt you could validate those, but beware of your own safety too.

Don't put in writing or speak on the phone. Meet face to face.
If she shows him text messages or a voice recording it could open a shitty can of worms

I would but I would also be vague. It’s a narrow road.she doesn’t need all the gory details.

Of course he won't like it - abusers thrive on suppression and secrecy. But that is not your problem, unless it impacts on your child, of course.

I'd also be inclined to meet for coffee somewhere neutral and without the children in case he snoops on her phone.

Keep it broad brush strokes and do more listening than talking. Then all you need to say is, "Yes, sounds like him/He said that to me all the time too/No, that's a new behaviour."

Don't put in writing or speak on the phone. Meet face to face.

This x 100.

You really think she would show stuff to him?

If he is controlling and emotionally abusive there is a good chance he will see the messages one way or another

I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't respond.

To just ignore something that could potentially damage someone else's life - in a way you have already experienced - would to me be an extremely callous course of action.

That's not to say you should turn up with 250 pages of specific faults/examples of abuse, but as PPs have said - listen to her concerns, and then simply confirm where they are likely valid, or reassure where they are not.

Meeting face to face is definitely the better approach.

NearlyGranny has it right...
*I'd also be inclined to meet for coffee somewhere neutral and without the children in case he snoops on her phone.

Keep it broad brush strokes and do more listening than talking. Then all you need to say is, "Yes, sounds like him/He said that to me all the time too/No, that's a new behaviour."*

I really wanted ex DHs ow to reach out to me like this before she made any big commitment and I've just found out they've bought a property together so it's too late now. Definitely tell her since she's asked. She doesn't need to tell him you've spoken.