To walk away

[Thinkingoutloud13]

So back round I have 2 DC 8&6 and DH has 2 11&7 mine live with me and go to there dad EOW and 1 week in summer. We have his 50/50 so 3 days one week and 4 the next. His Ex regularly goes away always on her time with the kids so we have them extra - 3 have them 3 straight weeks in Oct due to her holiday without them, she has never taken them away with her holidays are left to us which we of course do with all of them and have them extra for.
His ex is constantly asking more and everyday she has the kids is texting can you just do the school run for me this day I have a headache etc. 3 times in 2 years she has asked for them an additional weekend for events on our weekend and both she has cancelled last min so the plans I had to have time with just my children for a weekend (as we have all the children one weekend and none the following) get lost and hey don’t get that one on one time.
She was meant to have them this weekend due to being away so long and not seeing them and has just decided she has plans so can’t! My DH thing is it’s his days so he should have them which I understand but she asked for this time in May, me and my DC had plans for some mummy time and my DH is working, she can never just keep to arrangements and the it’s affecting my time with my children now and even our child free weekend is ruined by her texting.
This just feels like so much and the final straw! I am having major surgery in Nov (off work 8 weeks) and managed to get a date when it’s his ex’s time with kids and mine go to dads the next day she has now said she is having an operation that same week so we have to have the kids and sort them as she needs rest!!
I feel she is dictating my life and I can’t make plans as she snaps her fingers and everything changes, and My DH doesn’t want to argue as she then withholds the kids - never for long as she can’t wait to get rid of them. I love him and the DC but having this women have such an affect on everything is really taking its toll

Sounds like a difficult situation and I don’t envy your position in it for one minute Can you put up with this behaviour for another ten years? If not, then you may have your answer. It might sound flippant and especially because I’m not in your shoes but this sounds like it’s really taking a toll on you mentally and I don’t think I could put up with it.

Call her bluff. Let her withhold the dc. See a solicitor and get a court order of contact.. If he is paying maintenance I would deduct £10 each dc for every extra day you have them. If she hasn't the dc she won't need the cash will she?
Cms is based on nights per dp.

Have you told DH how you're feeling, that you're getting to the point where you're seriously contemplating walking away?

We don’t pay CM anymore. She claims child benefit and TC for both but we have them 50/50 and provide all clothes and school uniform for there time here. I have said to him you need to set boundaries they are 7 and 11 she doesn’t need to text everyday - she only texts like it when she has the children as soon as we have them she never messages. I know she will only withhold them until she has plans but he doesn’t want to take that chance. We all do all the pick ups and drop off even when she changes the place as she has gone out and dropped them somewhere. Your right it is affecting my mental health and I feel like I am stood in a crowded room saying it to matters and to keep the peace it’s ignored

You can still have your operation though, as it will be him looking after his kids?

Can’t you and your children go out for some mummy time and leave him at home with his kids?

He is working this weekend as he booked it in knowing he didn’t have his children and with me having so much time off work coming up needed the money. I will still be having my operation but we live 45 mins from hospital and the plan was he was to come the whole day (4hour op) until I am out and more awake due to a really traumatic event I encountered following an op a few years ago so my anxiety around the whole thing is huge. Plus the weekend be at home looking after me when I am home so I can rest- unfortunately his youngest has some additional needs so wakes all night screaming for no reason and gets up at silly o clock then needs monitoring all day. I feel he should say on her time she should get her family to help with childcare or her partner of 2 years as we are not available that week to help. As with the school run etc he wouldn’t even really be there for my surgery where as her family live in the next road and her mum doesn’t work (no ill health or problems) and ultimately she asked him we just can’t do that week so she needs to sort them for once and we get them back on our days

Well then you’re going to have be firm and say “sorry we can’t. I have an op due”

Most people on MN say "His kids, he will look after them, make plans for them etc" but in reality it is the step-mum who mostly takes care of the kids along with her own. I feel for you as i had exactly what you describe with my husbands exw. My final straw was when i had a newborn baby (3 weeks old) as well as my 4 year old. My DH was working and i was at home with my boys, bleeding heavily post birth, engorged breasts and a foof full of stitches. Ex-wive calls my husband to say she had a bad headache and could he collect his son (4) and look after him. DH did and dropped him at ours and went back to work. I was seething, imagining her lying in bed, watching daytime TV and drinking tea having a nice time whilst I've got my stepson (whom i love dearly BTW) as well as my 2. I called her on some pretence or other but I could hear the music in the background, she was in the shopping centre, clothes shopping. I blew my top and ordered her to get round here immediately and get her son. When she eventually came, she had Karen Milan and River Island bags in the car. I flatly refused to be her unpaid childminder from then on and had big rows about it with DH but we sorted it all out and she stopped taking the piss. (He came to live with us full time at 9 anyway and rarely sees her now.)

So i don't really have any advice, but don't be nicey nicey about it, talk to your DH and explain everything especially about the operation timings as that really is a piss take.

He is working this weekend as he booked it in knowing he didn’t have his children and with me having so much time off work coming up needed the money

Then he needs to tell her no.