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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I take a colleague into a welfare meeting?

31 replies

cjt110 · 23/09/2019 09:54

Long story short, I was off a while back with health issues which triggered a welfare meeting between HR, my boss and I.

I have alerted HR to the fact I feel in decline again and we have a meeting tomorrow to "discuss how they can best support" me.

I have already suggested working from home 1 day a week as a short measure to try and stave off a crash in my health to the HR lady who said it seems plausible.

When I mentioned this at the first welfare meeting my boss was set against it and only with further questions from the HR lady did he admit it was an option.

I am terrified, even though I have asked for this meeting myself. I hate confrontation and feeling like I'm in trouble.

Can I take a colleague in with me for support?

OP posts:
MrsPinkCock · 23/09/2019 10:07

You don’t have the statutory right to be accompanied to that kind of meeting, no.

But it’s worth an ask. I don’t see why they would say no.

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/09/2019 10:09

@MrsPinkCock Thank you.

OP posts:
AGermFreeAdolescent · 23/09/2019 10:15

I echo what MPC said and would wonder be suspicious of why they would refuse this if they did.

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/09/2019 10:24

I suspect my boss may object because the person who I would like to accompany me, will not allow my boss to bully me.

At our last meeting my boss basically said he didn't believe in the condition I had (as well as others), that I hadn't told him I had been diagnosed and that it was impossible for me to work from home. When I can think of at least 3 other staff members who work from home because they live far from the office, or have "childcare" issues - their son is 7 and goes to breakfast club, school and after school club so is there from 8.30-6...

Even so... I feel disheartened already

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 23/09/2019 10:27

They don't have to let you bring someone in with you, but yes, you can certainly ask and I would also ask why not if they say no.

I don't think your colleague could be expected to contribute or act as your advocate, but it's always useful to have another person there even if only to take notes on your behalf so you have a full record of what was said and by whom (as well as just feeling that you have someone supportive there with you, of course).

ScreamingValenta · 23/09/2019 10:30

it's always useful to have another person there even if only to take notes on your behalf

That would be a good way to frame your request. It would make it more difficult for them to refuse if you put it that you'd find it hard both to take notes and concentrate on the meeting.

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/09/2019 10:31

I suspect my boss may object because the person who I would like to accompany me, will not allow my boss to bully me.

Even if your colleague is allowed to accompany you I think you will find that they will not be allowed to participate in the meeting. They will be there just as note takers/moral support but can’t speak out on your behalf.

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/09/2019 10:32

I'm absolutely shitting it. I hate confrontation at work.

My boss is nice but so unapproachable about certain things like anxiety, depression and my medical condition

OP posts:
Kaykay06 · 23/09/2019 10:35

I’m a nurse and we can take a colleague or union rep with us, I think a colleague can’t speak for you but there for moral support and a witness almost and a rep can speak up but don’t hold me to that. Speak to HR not your manager.

It doesn’t matter if your boss thinks you’re condition doesn’t exist (sounds a real gem) I have an invisible illness and a lot going on at home just now and I was feeling overwhelmed at work after coming back from sickness. Managers just changed and I’ve had massive support including dropping hours and regular meetings at work to check i’m ok.

I feel sad that your manager can’t do the same, surely it would help you do your job and be back at work if things were put in place now to save you going off sick again?! That’s part of their managerial role to care for staff and ensure they can be at work if they are able. I hope things improve for you op, can you access occupational health or a union perhaps for advice, I appreciate a lot of workplaces don’t have OH but contract out, failing that back to gp Flowers

AGermFreeAdolescent · 23/09/2019 10:38

I suspect my boss may object because the person who I would like to accompany me, will not allow my boss to bully me.

All the more reason why they should accompany you then.

Even if your colleague is allowed to accompany you I think you will find that they will not be allowed to participate in the meeting. They will be there just as note takers/moral support but can’t speak out on your behalf.

I think this is correct, and same goes if the boss has someone to accompany them, from my experience, they don’t talk but just take notes and listen. Hope it all goes well OP. Flowers

I hate confrontation and feeling like I'm in trouble.

You are not in trouble, you are standing up for yourself and looking after your own health.

BlueMoonRising · 23/09/2019 10:41

Don't ask your boss if you can take someone, ask HR. They might not even run it past your boss before agreeing.

Good luck.

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/09/2019 10:41

I am taking proactive steps to say I'm not well - I have ME and an staving off another crash at the moment - and I need your help to avoid me taking time off again.

OP posts:
Original poster
cjt110 · 23/09/2019 10:44

Have emailed my HR lady.

Yes we have access to OH. That was one thing that the HR lady said last time I could be referred to if it was needed. I just am anxious of the process and it taking forever. And in the meantime I crash

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 23/09/2019 10:45

I hope it goes well for you, try and stay calm, and bring any current medical notes and such that you have.
Would your dr write a supporting letter if needed?

GetUpAgain · 23/09/2019 10:45

Good luck. A few things that might help with this sort of boss, regardless of if you take a colleague in:

Take an a4 notepad and write stuff down, from the beginning, the date and who is there. Explain it's to help you all remember. In my experience your boss will watch what they say then.

Have a list of questions, ask them directly, write down the answers and reasons. Ie 'I'd like to work from home once a week, are you agreeable to that?' If the answer is no ask why and write it down.

Say 'I'll think about that and come back to you' for anything you feel on the spot about.

Print off any relevant company policy and take it in with you.

Print off something from the official association of whatever your condition is and take that in with you, leaving it clearly visible.

Good luck, we are all behind you!

Toddlerteaplease · 23/09/2019 10:47

I was told that I can have someone with me to support me at HR meetings. I've never needed too as I get on well with my manager and I was always desperate to get back to work!

Sedlescombe · 23/09/2019 10:54

Well said BlueMoonRising and GetUpAgain. It will be HR's call rather than your boss though depending on the size of the company the boss may want to "influence" HR. Make sure you keep notes of all the important bits of the conversation even if that means slowing down the discussion to get it all on paper. Dont agree to anything you are not 100% comfirtable with. Agree a timescale as to when you will respond - A couple of days or a week

combatbarbie · 23/09/2019 10:56

Mental health is still and prob always will be a stigma especially amongst men I find. May I suggest you suggest to your HR that they look into the Mental Health First Aid course for all HR and line managers, the company comes to them and is a 3 day course.

combatbarbie · 23/09/2019 10:57

Just seen your illness is ME.... But you have MH attached.... Course covers hidden disabilities 👍

GetUpAgain · 23/09/2019 10:58

Sorry x post I see you have ME, I don't mean to sound like I was saying 'whatever that is' in a dismissive way, I just didn't know what you had when I wrote my post!

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/09/2019 11:02

Hey it's no worries @GetUpAgain.

I'm grateful for your suggestions. I;m not sure I can be as together as you are suggesting with asking these questions.

OP posts:
GetUpAgain · 23/09/2019 11:12

It doesn't matter if you get upset. This is a big deal and it matters a lot, its your health. So damn what if you tremble, your voice goes odd, you cry. I've done all these things in meetings, I know how hard it is to seem together but you actually don't have to conform to what makes your manager feel comfortable. Deep breaths. It's ok to feel scared and like shit, and you don't have to hide that. Your employer has a duty of care to you and they do actually want you to be well. So showing them the impact of all this is not a bad thing.

I've been on both sides of this as am also a manager who has dealt with various issues my staff have faced and there is zero judgement from me when problems arise.

BlueChangeling · 23/09/2019 11:12

I'm sorry that your having a tough time OP.

I went though a similar situation last year, i was struggling with my MH and had a serious breakdown in communication with my line manager. I had to attend a meeting to discus it and My head of department said someone could accompany me to it but it would have to be someone they chose, the person they picked wouldn't have been on my side, or even a neutral party, it really defeated the purpose of having someone there as support.

I had to take a few months off work because of it and to try and get my head in the right place. In my return to work interview with Occupational Health they were aghast at the advice I had been given, it went against HR policy I was entitled to a Union Rep or another member of staff of my choosing to accompany me to the meeting.

I would put the request to your HR rep in an email.

NWQM · 23/09/2019 11:17

Can I suggest that you try and shift the focus away from your health a little... your reason for asking is your health. Your condition is a given - you can provide medical proof if they want it - and you'd benefit (I'm guessing you are saying) from one less day travel.

The decision though is a business one. So show how you can be just - if not more - productive at home. You'll no doubt have thought through how you can make this thus request ie how you'd work at home so write this down ...you could do a timetable or what you'd get down on what days for instance.

Try and make it hard for him to argue against. Chances are he won't have thought beyond her job is in the office so... and he doesn't need to. You can show it's a good thing though.

Original poster
cjt110 · 23/09/2019 11:28

The only thing effectively I couldnt do is print something off.

I can have calls diverted to my mobile in work hours. Can email customers. Can raise invoices. I could even call from my own mobile if absolutely neccessary.

The printing issue isn't a big one really as I could just print, scan and sent the following day.

OP posts: