daughters birthday

[busybee987]

Today my daughter would have been six years old. She died seconds after birth due to severe prematurity. Part of me just wants to go to a dark room and remember every little detail and be sad. But i cant as I have other children to think of now as well. What should i do today? Do i paint my face on and go about our classes for the sake of my other children? It feels so disrespectful of me to continue living normally, i do that every other day of the year. Ive always allowed myself to b sad on their birthdays but this year is different. Hubby has went to work and my other child has playgroup to attend. is it unreasonable of me to just stay home were i won't get any headspace anyway or go to our morning activity and just pretend it's like any other normal day? I know i cant win either way.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a sad time for you. I can't say I've had experience with this but I wanted to say that you should not feel guilty going about your day. Please be kind to yourself xx

No idea what you should do but do what you feel you should do on this difficult day.

Sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do. Xxxxx

Can you take an hour out later on to remember? When your husband is home, can you ‘escape’ for a short while?
In that hour you could perhaps,
Walk somewhere beautiful
Go to a garden centre and buy a white rose to plant in he memory
Pop into a church (whether you believe or not) as a safe and calm haven where grief is allowed and light a candle

Could you make a birthday cake with your children and celebrate the joy her pregnancy gave you rather than focusing on the pain of loss? Make birthday cards as a way of the children understanding they had a sister who didn’t grow up.

So sorry for your loss. I understand completely why you don't want to just "forget" it. (Obviously you never will) why don't you start a little tradition with your dc on her birthday, something simple that marks the day like baking a special birthday cake together, making a card for her or having a story telling session where you tell her about your year. Anything that floats your boat really. You'll feel happier for marking and recognising her birthday and you can still spend the rest of the day being busy.
Also, if you can, try to take an hour or two away from the dc and give yourself space and permission to cry and be sad.
Good luck!!

I'm so sorry op. I somewhat understand what you are going through. it's as if the world and life goes on but yet you are just stuck in that place. be kind to yourself today.

We lost one of our twin boys the day after they were born due to complications from birth at 28 weeks. We always go as a family after school to a local beauty spot where we fly kites, blow bubbles and play football or rounders or cricket. It just gives me the ability to feel he is remembered and is so lovely there. Do what you need to do today, whether that be keeping it normal then going out for a couple of hours late afternoon or staying in and writing a letter to your beautiful girl. Or treat yourself to a memorial ornament or a Carly Marie memorial photo, a personalised book or buy some forget me not seeds to plant for her. Whatever you do, take some time out to make sure you mark today and be gentle on yourself. Sending thoughts today (what is her name?)

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

I would go to a beauty spot or begin a simple tradition of some sort. Hope the day isn't too hard

Today is the 7 month anniversary of my daughter’s birth (at 21 weeks). I’m so sorry your daughter died too. Every 23rd of the month I try to have a bit of quiet time to think about her, but like you I have another child to think of so I can’t spend the day in bed like I want to. Sometimes I go up to the hospital and walk round their memory garden. Sometimes I can’t do anything until after bedtime so I just light a candle and look through the photos I have of her. I recently bought a book to read to my son, which beautifully captures the emotions of losing a baby. It’s called These Precious Little People.
Happy birthday to your sweet girl. If you’d like to tell us about her, that would be lovely 💓

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. Her name is Nevaeh, it would never have been her name had she lived but i thought it beautiful and thats exactly were i believe she is now, and i couldnt imagine her being called anything else now. I think writing it down has made me realise i cant win no matter what i do, so going to try my best and just get on with things. it just feels like a betrayal to her to be happy on the day she was born and also died. i know that makes no sense whatsoever, and from our other children have come along we have tried moving the focus from the sad to something happier, it just looks like the weather is going to b against us today and getting out to do something positive might not be possible. hopefully the forecast is wrong and we do get out. I guess its just the guilt of everything and something i have to try make peace with.

OP, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

I cannot possibly know what pain and devastation those circumstances must cause for a parent: I can't imagine anything more poignant.

Perfectly natural to have very mixed emotions on loved ones' anniversaries.
It's absolutely okay to acknowledge them in whatever way feels right to you at that particular time.
There is no 'should' as to how.

Previous posters' suggestions seem lovely ideas.

I’ll light a candle tonight at 7pm in memory of your little Nevaeh. Be kind to yourself today.

Sorry, forgot to refresh page, and only just read her name.

Nevaeh. Lovely.

So sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter at 13 days old, 10 years ago. I understand about the guilt. Hardest thing I've ever had to do was switching her life support off. I spend time on her birthday and day of death, doing normal things. Then when the kids are in bed, I light a candle and allow myself to grieve a bit and remember her. Now 3 of my other kids are old enough to understand, I've explained to them that mum will be sad on them days and why. My oldest kids know all about their sister and we are lucky to have a photo taken before she got ill, so they know what she looks like. The grief never goes, but it does get easier to live with. So does any guilt you feel. Again sorry for Nevaehs loss.