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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu-drinking too much?

36 replies

ataloss25 · 22/09/2019 18:53

hello, regular user but Iv name changed.

So usually twice a week my OH drinks alcohol in the house while watching football.

I think he drinks far too much however if I ever question it he says I'm wrong and unreasonable. am I????

today he had (over 3.5 hours)

10 x 440ml cans of cider
1 x 440ml can of Guinness
1 x 440ml can of belhaven (this is 3.5% which he refers to as 'non alcoholic')

he often conceals how much he has had to drink by hiding the empty cans/bottles so there is a possibility he has had more than this today.

when I say its far too much and he's drunk, he argues that he's not and that it's the equivalent of going out for 4 pints!!!??

its horrible as we have very young DC and I don't want them to be exposed to this. :-(

He becomes loud and annoying and if I say or do something he doesn't like he will sometimes turn abusive and start bringing up old issues/arguments.

anyway, do other men drink like this? is this normal?

for reference he is a big guy, not fat but over 6ft.

iv also noticed that whenever we go out anywhere and he is having a drink its to excess. He always has to have a drink in each hand the whole time and seems incapable of only having a few/not getting drunk.

its really starting to get me down. but then he twists what my argument is and makes out that I'm unreasonable as it's only when the football is on and he rarely goes out (his choice).

OP posts:

littlemeitslyn · 22/09/2019 20:41

Totally agree with hippy x

SemperIdem · 22/09/2019 20:41

I often roll my eyes at “drinking too much” threads however - the volume and sheer speed he is drinking it at is quite shocking.

I can understand why you are concerned about it.

Getting him to accept there is a problem is going to be a major hurdle.

Would he consider stopping for October, just to show he can?

Original poster

ataloss25 · 22/09/2019 20:42

yip

sadly I am beginning to question our future. especially when it's in front of the children.

when he drinks at night it's not so bad because he sleeps in the spare room so I don't have to see him/speak to him . and obv the kids are in bed so they aren't witnessing it.

OP posts:

littlemeitslyn · 22/09/2019 20:45

And, fwiw cider can be a lot stronger than beer

Elieza · 22/09/2019 20:47

Sounds like your relationship has gone downhill. Would he confide in you what’s stressing him out? Or would he just clam up like most men and kid on he’s fine and you’re the idiot - now piss off and leave me alone they’ve just scored again and I missed it....
Is he worth staying with? Perhaps it’s time to check out your options.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Original poster

ataloss25 · 22/09/2019 20:48

the really upsetting thing is when we are out, recently at children's birthday parties, weddings and a baby shower of all things, he just cant reign it in.

I have to beg him to leave as its getting late, the kids need to go to bed and he is prioritising having more drinks over me and the kids.

I was in early pregnancy a while back and up very early for work the next day and he just kept accepting more and more drinks despite knowing I was desperate to go home :-(

I don't know what to do

OP posts:

RandomFactor · 22/09/2019 20:50

I like a drink myself, especially watching football/rugby etc. and accept I drink well over the recommended weekly limit most weeks, but this is a lot to drink - 10 cans of cider plus a couple of lager is loads.

I seem to be in a minority on MN as I and most of my social circle drink regularly, and fairly heavily. We are all professionals, and hold down good jobs etc. but 40+ units a week is the norm...

So, with this in mind, I think your OH needs to cut down! Once in a blue moon is not the end of the world, but regularly shipping that quantity is bad news, for him and for you, particularly as you say he becomes loud and brings up old grievances.

The thing is, no matter what he tells you, he will know this is at the extreme end of alcohol consumption, pretty bad for his health, and a poor example to your children.

You don't need to tell him this - he knows it already, and I guess he is rationalising and/or ignoring the fact.

Only he can make changes to his habits, I nope he does and you sort things out.

Original poster

ataloss25 · 22/09/2019 20:59

we have been together a very long time and went through a very difficult time many years ago relating to his drinking, but that was more to do with his behaviour when he drank. he would be very emotionally abusive and tbh I should have left him 1000 times over. however I stuck it out and we got through it and went on to have many happy years (he still drank, and a lot at times, but it was less overall and the terrible abusive behaviour stopped)

but I feel its beginning to creep back up again and now we have children I absolutely will not tolerate them being affected by it.

he is rationalising and explaining it as he has recently got back into football again having previously fell away from watching it.

he rarely goes out with friends so he thinks it's not fair that I am criticising him. I just wish he could enjoy the game with say 5 or 6 cans or when we go out he could just drink sensibly.

all his friends are big drinkers so he thinks it's normal etc

OP posts:

SlackerMum1 · 22/09/2019 21:09

That’s a huge amount - like others I normally roll my eyes and scroll on when I look a drinking threads as I’m no light weight - but 10 pints in 3 hours is loads. But the wider behaviour you describe is the real red flag - hiding empties, seeking out opportunities to drink, unable to stop once he starts.

pumpkinpie01 · 22/09/2019 21:22

My DH likes a drink with the football , but not that many , that seems very excessive in less than 4 hours. Try and have a chat with him when he is not under the influence remind him how bad things got before when he drank too much .

ThirstyGhost · 22/09/2019 21:24

Normally on here I'm "meh...." at the amounts people worry about drinking and the advice from some MNers that follows, but that is a lot. It really is. My DP has a friendship group of a lot of heavy drinkers and they wouldn't go for it that much. My personal experience is that in every group of binge drinkers (which I would classify your DP and his mates as being - don't drink every day but massively over-do it when they do) there is always one who has red flags for alcoholism. That is definitely your DP here. The difficulty is that there is nothing you can do unless he wants to get help, which he doesn't. He's minimising, hiding, etc... Honestly in your shoes I would go to an Al-Anon meeting in person or online to get some support. You can sit at the back quietly at first (no one bothers you. You don't have to talk) and listening to others will help.

If he ever expresses the will to talk to someone about his drinking, obviously there is AA but that is off-putting for anyone who isn't sure they want to totally abstain from alcohol. There are organisations like - where I am - Glasgow Council on Alcohol, who a person can refer themselves to and it's a one-on-one thing to begin with. You can work out a plan for your drinking to control it or reduce it or give it up all together. My own view is that there is a point with drinking where it crosses the line into problem drinking/alcohol abuse and once you've crossed it really the best, perhaps only option is to give up for good. But not everyone would agree with me there.

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