Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have been asked to be a godparent but I'm not religious

59 replies

Inadilemmahelp · 22/09/2019 16:14

Name changed as DFriend who I am about to talk about is on here and knows my regular username.

DFriend is my best friend of 20 years, since we were at primary school. She got married a few years back and has recently had her first child.
She is very religious and though I'm not, I have always respected her beliefs (not something we really talk about though, although she knows I'm not really religious- i was brought up in a religious family though so used to go to church with her and her family until i could make the decision for myself not to)

Now the dilemma: she has asked me to be godmother to her DC. I consider myself to be an atheist, and would feel wrong standing up there and being named as godmother when I don't even believe in God. However, I am her closest friend and I know how much it would mean to her.
AIBU to say I can't?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inadilemmahelp · 22/09/2019 17:10

@Thegirlhasnoname I can't use that excuse sadly as I was christened- brought up in a very religious family which is actually how I met DFriend as our families used to go to church together.

@ariamontgomery my (possible) reason for refusing is because as a non religious person, I feel like it would be insulting to the religion to make statements I know I can't fufil, e.g I will support this child on their religious journey etc.

If I decline I will of course say that I'm honoured to have been asked as I am. I'd be happy to be a 'mentor' to her DC, just without the God aspect if I can.

OP posts:
StroppyWoman · 22/09/2019 17:10

Talk to her.
Personally I wouldn't be comfortable making the religious pledges and it would feel disrespectful of those who do take it seriously to flat out lie. But if your friend doesn't mind you doing it in those circumstances, go with it. It's a lovely thing to be asked, despite the religious bits - to be a significant part of her child's life.

Grannybags · 22/09/2019 17:14

I do the Baptism Prep at our local church and I would advice a person in this situation to decline the invitation. You will be asked to make certain promises which could make you feel uncomfortable. I asked my brother and sil to be godparents but they declined - I totally understood and respected their choice. As others have said you could be an honorary aunt instead.

AJPTaylor · 22/09/2019 17:19

I have turned it down several times. I have no faith or religion but think it's disrespectful and wrong to stand in someone's house of worship and pretend.

edgen2019 · 22/09/2019 17:23

Inadilemma - part of a godparents duties are to oversee the spiritual wellbeing of the child, I don't honestly think you would fit the bill having read your post, however you can be an Auntie and still be in close contact without the religious connoctations. I do believe godparents should be active members of the church.

AgeLikeWine · 22/09/2019 17:27

YANBU.

I’m an atheist and I was was asked to be a godparent by a family member. I declined as politely as possible and gave a very full and clear explanation for my reasons. If you go through the wording of the ceremony and explain why you can’t make the promises required, your friend should understand.

Drum2018 · 22/09/2019 17:31

Tell her that you don't believe in it and ask her if she's still happy to have a non religious person as a godparent. My sister is godparent and is an aethiest. My kids godparents are not involved in whether they are following their faith or not. Can anyone actually profess to have godparents who took a serious interest in their faith while growing up? Apart from one of them attending my confirmation mine didn't.

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 22/09/2019 17:33

Discuss it with her. She will know about your beliefs and won't mind. Ask about what you will be asked to say at the service and whether that conflicts with your beliefs - it might not. We chose godparents who we respected for who they are, not their religious beliefs. One was religious for each child. They probably know what they've asked.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 22/09/2019 17:35

You don’t need to be - a friend is catholic and their child has 4 godparents - one catholic, on CofE and 2 Muslim (all lapsed).

PuzzledObserver · 22/09/2019 17:42

It’s not just the promises - you also have to say that you turn away from evil and towards God, and affirm your belief in God as Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

It seems a bit ironic to start a commitment to support the parents in raising a child according to principles of love, justice and truth by lying in public. Listen to your conscience, OP.

Redshoesandtheblues · 22/09/2019 17:50

Your friend must know of your choice to be an atheist, so I would presume she is asking in an 'honorary' way, not meant to be taken literally?

How many godparents actually fulfill their promised role? Its usually just seen as a recognition that you are important to the parents?

But, totally understand where you are coming from.

I'd speak to her. Be the 'odd auntie' as someone else suggested.

I'm known as the odd auntie and it works fine. Smile

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 22/09/2019 17:52

I think it’s more about who they trust will be there for their kids should they need them. We were named guardians in our friends wills (over family) so I suppose they trust us!

user1471453601 · 22/09/2019 17:54

My DD (who would make Richard dworkin look like a catholic) was god mother to her friends child.

Friends were well aware of her religious views, but wanted a God mother with a strong moral compass that she could pass on if the need arose.

I hope the worst never happens, but if it does I know DD will step up to the plate and impart the values of fairness and honesty.

Which is why, I think, the parents chose her

Both of them.swallowed their respective views in order to do the best by the child.

CherryPavlova · 22/09/2019 17:57

Of course you should decline rather than make public promises you can’t keep.

Elphame · 22/09/2019 18:00

I've always declined. I don't make promises I have no intention of keeping and in fact no longer attend christenings

Smurf123 · 22/09/2019 18:07

I asked my df to be godparents to my ds. She isn't christened herself and doesn't attend church. For me my expecting for her was to look out for my ds if I couldnt and to always support him in his choices as he grows older. She was happy with that. She had said that she would be happy to take ds to church if he asked her too although she would also be honest with him on her own beliefs. That was good with me.
(I'm not super religious though so maybe that would make a difference - ds will most likely to go a faith based school though due to our location)

Doje · 22/09/2019 18:08

I am a godparent and am an atheist. My friend knows my (lack of) beliefs. Having had a Christian upbringing, i know that if it came to it, I could guide my god daughter if necessary.

I have no problem standing up in a church. The majority of the ceremony wasn't religious as such and the rest I'm fine with. The only person I care about is my friend, and she knows the deal. And if God exists, then he knows my feelings on the matter already!

tillytrotter1 · 22/09/2019 18:15

You're being very honest and treating the rite of baptism with more respect than many godparents and parents! In a baptism you are asked to make promises for the baby's up-bringing in relation to religion and if you don't have the beliefs you can't honestly make the promises.
A baptism isn't simply a day to dress up and have a party!
I declined to be godmother to my first niece, caused an awful row, my mother was furious that the god parents would 'all be from her side.
You can still support the child's life even f you're not a god-parent.

Purplerain16 · 22/09/2019 18:17

You could decline but suggest you can be a guide parent instead of God parent?

That way, you essentially do what a God parent does but without the religious bits

Gruntvsgunt · 22/09/2019 18:21

I am non religious and was made a “special friend” or some other equally stupid title when my friend asked me to act as a godparent. I promised to raise him with the values of .... (insert some values here, I can’t remember them) and made no reference to god or religion. The other true godparents made different promises to me

Vulpine · 22/09/2019 18:30

I'm a non believing god parent. It was a lovely event. Its just words and symbolism. Not sure why people who don't believe take it so literally and so seriously. When i used to go to holy communion, i never actually thought i was eating the body of christ. I sing christmas carols and sure as hell dont believe in the virgin birth.

1Wanda1 · 22/09/2019 18:31

I wonder how many of the people who think it would be terrible/offensive/unreasonable to be a Godparent as a non-believer, celebrate Christmas or Easter themselves. Or let their children have Advent calendars.

I'm guessing that nearly all of those people do celebrate Christmas, perhaps also Easter, and definitely let their DC have "Advent" calendars. But agreeing to play an important role in a child's life, which is a role encompassing guiding that child in all respects, not just religious, is unreasonable? What nonsense!

mostlydrinkstea · 22/09/2019 18:35

The promises made by parents and Godparents are significant. You are asked to declare your faith in God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit and that you will pray for the child. If you can't do that they tell your friend (if this is C of E) that you would love to be a sponsor and be part of the service but you can't be a Godparent. At least you are honest in thinking about this first. Probably my worst baptism was one where one of the Godfathers was openly laughing at the promises as he made them. Be a special auntie. Every child needs special aunties.

Kittywampus · 22/09/2019 18:44

I'm an atheist godparent. Before I agreed, I double checked with my friends that they knew that I am an atheist, and they were fine with it.

CherryPavlova · 22/09/2019 18:46

1Wander1. I suspect the exact opposite maybe true.
Why would you want someone who made false promises to be the guiding light of your children ps spiritual future?
I’m not sure why committed non believers choose Baptism anyway. Why not opt for a secular naming ceremony?

I think it’s important Godparents agreeing to support the spiritual upbringing of a child, see it as as quite a bid deal. We would not have chosen somebody who had no faith. It wouldn’t have to be the same faith necessarily, but an understanding of the importance of religion to us.

Swipe left for the next trending thread