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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't normal behaviour?

26 replies

MirkleMe · 22/09/2019 14:56

MIL lives over 100 miles away and is constantly on the phone. If my OH can't speak to her at the exact moment she calls she demands to know why. If, for example, he is busy with the DC she demands to know where I am so I can take over so he can talk to her. And the worst bit is that she is phoning for no reason, it's not urgent, it will be for a for a chat about the dog or something else trival. Something that could wait till a convenient time.

Then she wants to know every little detail of our lives. What shop we are in and what we are buying. What we are watching on TV. Where each person in the house is. I feel like she knows more about my life than I do.

If he doesn't answer she just keeps ringing and ringing and he feels he has to answer incase it's an emergency. So she interrupts meals and sex and everything else you can think of. Everything stops when she rings.

She makes a mountain out of a molehill with every situation and everything is a major drama. Even the simplest thing like sending something to him in the post involves 20 phone conversations to organise it.

She phoned recently when we were having a row and demanded to be put on the phone so she could give me her opinion. Thankfully the OH saw sense and said no. But this was the final straw tbh. I don't want to visit her or have anything to do with her.

She uses emotional blackmail to try and get what she wants. A week after I had given birth she said to my OH on the phone, I expect I won't see him till he's grown up. OH had already made it clear that we would visit when I had recovered from giving birth but this wasn't soon enough for her. So she makes OH feel guilty with every phone conversation and because he can't see it's emotional blackmail, he feels bad.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous behaviour and to feel pissed off about how much she intrudes onto our life.

OH makes excuses for her behaviour and so she continues.

I'm done with her with but how do I talk to him about this?

OP posts:
PullingMySocksUp · 22/09/2019 14:58

Your OH just needs to put his phone on silent.

LionKingLover · 22/09/2019 15:02

Don't blame you. He needs to put some firm boundaries in. He can say he will not always answer the phone or be on the phone for ages as he has work to do/a baby to look after/a wife to see or whatever and if she carries on it'll have to be on silent or reduce contact. Poor you op.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/09/2019 15:07

Tell him to put his phone on silent. Tell him to talk to her about her behaviour and if she doesn't change it it will negatively impact the entire relationship she has with you lot. It need not get to you this much.

Goodcleanfun · 22/09/2019 15:08

Sounds like she's highly anxious and so controlling behaviors are a way of her trying to cope with it. It's not ok, definitely need some boundaries put in place else it won't get better.

Trills · 22/09/2019 15:09

2 questions

Has she always been like this, or is it a new development?

What does your DH think about this behaviour? Does he think it's fine?

Fizzypoo · 22/09/2019 15:12

I think he should answer when you're having sex and tell her he's busy, when she insists to know what he's doing he can put her on loud speaker and say I'm shagging my wife. Since you don't stop ringing until I answer I'm talking to you with my willy inside of dw right now. Hopefully she'll feel so awkward you won't have this problem ever again.

Zebraaa · 22/09/2019 15:16

Sounds like she’s lonely.

RandomMess · 22/09/2019 15:23

You have a DH problem..,

He needs to prioritise you and the DC and put boundaries in around MILs phone calls and attitude.

madcatladyforever · 22/09/2019 15:25

I can only imagine what short shrift my DiL would give me if I tried this one. She doesn't take any shit.

mbosnz · 22/09/2019 15:27

Can you negotiate that there are certain times he undertakes that he will not answer his phone? So, when bathing and putting the DC's to bed, reading them a story, when out doing groceries, when having sex or a row, when discussing finances or serious issues, in designated you and him, not MIL time? Because at the moment, it sounds like there's no room for you in his life, you're being squeezed out by his mother!

Or could he say to his Mother, I will ring you every day at x time for x amount of time. Other than that, I'm not going to be answering the phone Mum, I'm a busy man, I've got work and a young family.

ZigZaggyZoo · 22/09/2019 15:28

*she interrupts meals and sex" Shock

Wow. Not normal behaviour for your OH to interrupt those, no.

Chitarra · 22/09/2019 15:31

Your DH needs to be much, much firmer with her.

ElizaPancakes · 22/09/2019 15:31
  1. if she’s calling his mobile, he can set her phone to do not disturb for most of the time. So the phone will only actually ring for example between 6-8pm.
  2. if she’s ringing the house phone, either don’t answer or he needs to say no, and tell her he’s taking the phone off the hook as there’s nothing else to say.

But either way, neither of you are obliged to answer just because she’s ringing.

I realise this is easy for me to say, but it sounds like it’s causing massive tension for you both so I think he needs to lay down some boundaries with his mum.

youarenotkiddingme · 22/09/2019 15:32

Fizzy 😂😂😂

Agree phone on silent when he doesn't want to answer.

Alternatively I'd come up with some really inventive reasons he can't come to phone just for fun.

Sorry he's currently abseiling down the side of the house so has no hands free and I can't get phone to him.

Can't think of more but MN are brilliant for this type of thing!

Beesandcheese · 22/09/2019 15:32

Nothing would compel me to answer a phone during a meal, argument or sex. Your DH needs to proritise and learn how to be "present". She sounds like she has a problem letting go, so he needs to give her a push and manage their boundary

Singlebutmarried · 22/09/2019 15:34

My MiL goes straight to voicemail

That’s on DHs phone, and her other 2 DCs phones.

It’s much more pleasant now the phones can do that.

LolaSmiles · 22/09/2019 15:35

Nothing would compel me to answer a phone during a meal, argument or sex. Your DH needs to proritise and learn how to be "present". She sounds like she has a problem letting go, so he needs to give her a push and manage their boundary
Absolutely the case.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 22/09/2019 15:36

What happens if he says 'we're just in the middle of eating, I'll call you back'

Or 'we're busy with loads of things on Sunday, I'll ring you around (time that's convenient for you)

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2019 15:48

Maybe giving her a boundary would work. Your dh calls her at a set time. I have read of people putting a 30 day no calls to cool the relationship down. The parent has to not call for 30 days unless I’m dire emergency. If they break this, the 30 days resets to zero. Her anxiety isn’t yours to manage. If this is a sudden change or if she has recently had a change of circumstance, please ignore as something else may be going on. She may need to see a gp.

alphasox · 22/09/2019 16:04

Re your husband’s worry that he has to answer in case it’s an emergency - actually if it was a real emergency she would leave a message so you would know that you need to call back soon.

bullseye2018 · 22/09/2019 16:12

It's not normal behaviour, no. It's enmeshment. I say this as someone who has been in the same situation. It's bloody awful. But mostly because of how my DH dealt with it. Which was to continue to answer the phone.

I tried many of the suggestions given above but nothing changed. With time it's become better. He's not answering as often and he's finally putting his phone on silent overnight, which is good because his family would call at all hours and pretend not to remember about the time difference.

We're in the midst of well-overdue counselling that has likely come too late to save our marriage. We have many, many issues but when I look back I wonder why I didn't kick him out over stuff like the phone calls.

You need to speak up and let your husband know it's bullshit now. Make it clear now. His reaction and subsequent action will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
MirkleMe · 22/09/2019 16:23

If he says he's busy she will ask why he can't talk. If he's doing something for the DC she will ask where I am, the implication being that I should come take over so he can talk to her.

If he insists he has to go she will demand he phones her back later and when he says he will, she says you won't, you'll forget and he basically has to promise he will phone her back later for a long chat.

She seems to think nothing is more important than her phone call.

AIBU to say I don't want to see her again. I'm done with her controlling behaviour

OP posts:
SoyDora · 22/09/2019 16:28

Absolutely you don’t have to see her again if you don’t want to, but will that actually change anything? She’ll carry on behaving as she does, and your DH will carry on enabling her by answering the calls.

Tensixtysix · 22/09/2019 16:43

Be glad she's 100 miles away. Put the phone on silent and answer it when YOU want! She'll soon get bored.

vanillaicedtea · 22/09/2019 17:03

Your DH needs to ignore her calls and reply with a text saying he's busy and he'll ring later. If she rings any later than, say, 8pm (whatever time the two of you are having alone time/dinner etc), he should say he'll ring her back tomorrow. And so on. She needs to wait until it's convenient. She'll be furious but eventually she won't bother ringing every hour of every day because she knows most times, she'll be off the phone again in 5 minutes.

Life stopping when she rings absolutely needs to end, though. It'll just drive a huge wedge between the both of you, and she'll have won. She clearly can't accept that her son has a life without her being the centre of it. But until your DH puts up boundaries, she's not going to do what you both want her to- why would she? She can ring every time she gets bored and everyone panders to her. It'll only stop when your DH stops it.