For feeling the way I am about my 5 year old daughter

[mumsnutter1]

I have 3dc. First in dd5 then dds3 then dds1

I have serious anxiety of how my daughter will cope as she grows with the personality that she's starting to show.

She is very insecure 😔 sadly a people pleaser and gets very jealous. Whenever anyone praises somebody in front of her she'll always say "and me" again and again until she gets given the same praise. When her friends come around she treats them better than she does her own lil brother and she copies them and also will do anything they ask her to do. Eg she once swapped her clothes in school with a friend (it was non skl uniform) behind the bushes because her friend "told her to do it"

Other than that She is oh so lovely & thoughtful. shes sweet and warm at heart, always ready to brighten up the day especially when she senses that you're down. But I just fear for how she'll grow caring too much of what people think about her etc. I want her to be confident and not copy her friends or treat them better than her brothers.

How can I help boost her confidence? I'm always telling her she's beautiful, smart, amazing strong etc I praise her when she's done good and I never show favouritism towards her brothers or anything. Please give me advice on how I can divert this new personality she's taking. Is it just something that happens with this particular age? Just A phase and I shouldn't worry about it?

AIBU and just thinking too much? X

Ds5 & ds1 sorry! X

She's kind which is good, teach her to be assertive, it's a skill not a personality trait

You need to rapidly try and encourage a different attachment style in her. For her own sake. Even trying to get her to rebond with you, her father and with her siblings.

Team sports will also help with the needing praise attitude and build her confidence.

I think you're maybe worrying too soon, she's only 5 and is still working out how to relate to her peers so the behaviour could be more immaturity than personality. But it wouldn't hurt to work on her confidence and assertiveness.

Telling her she is beautiful, strong etc won't make her resilient or assertive. You can teach assertiveness by 1) making sure she sees you doing it and 2) giving her the words , literally coaching her to say things like "no I'd rather not do that, I'd like to do this' so she knows what to say.

I'd also advise that she becomes involved in group activities such as sports , girl guides etc to give her resilience and the ability to operate in a group and to develop leadership skills. These things can be learned, they are not inborn.

I wonder about trying cooling off on the praise / comments about how beautiful she is...? It sounds like this is becoming a real focus for her and she's building a heavy dependence on external approval to feel good about herself.

We tend to avoid lots of explicit praise, and certainly don't focus on appearance or innate attributes (intelligence etc). Instead we respond to DC with lots of interest and affection and enthusiasm and questions. So instead of "you're so clever / kind / pretty / well done / good job", we'd say stuff like:

• Wow, that looked really difficult!
• how do you feel now you've done that?
• you had to concentrate so hard there
• what do you like about these clothes you chose?
• how do you think he felt when you shared that?

This doesn't come naturally to me - I grew up with tonnes of praise and cripplingly low self esteem / totally reliant on others' opinions of me. But I've tried to find a way to harness the instinct to praise and turn it into something more helpful. It's been a journey!

I had similar concerns regarding my DD (now 18).
Much of what you describe is normal for that age I think in hindsight.

• the treating friends better than younger siblings. Normal. Kids are proud of being the bigger, older one and so assert that status by excluding younger siblings when their friends are around. This still has not ended with my DD. But when no friends are around, she gets on with her younger siblings like a house on fire and is very caring and sweet to them.
• people pleasing- this will reduce over time as she discovers ‘friends’ who end up being mean girls or even bullies. Right now at age 5 the whole friendship business is new to her and she is diving in headfirst. When my DD was the age of yours, I would worry too because it was like she’d fallen in love with someone and was idolizing her new friend and nothing was too much or too good for them. But girl drama, which will start soon, will temper that and she will naturally become more restrained and balanced in her friendships.

I think the main thing to boost her confidence is to praise her for all the great things she does and when friendships go sour or a friend turns on her, to not be critical. Don’t say things like, well you were stupid for being so nice and trusting them. Make it clear that she has been a great friend and it’s not her fault that so and so has become a mean girl to her. Tell her maybe take friendships a bit slower in future and always reassure her than she can say no to anything a friend asks if she is uncomfortable. To always listen to herself because she is amazing and smart. (Unless, your DD becomes a mean girl, but I don’t think that will happen from what you describe it is more likely she will be the nice one who is taken advantage of).

My DD now 18 is still very loving, generous and sweet but she has over time gained a core of steel. She can spot BS and won’t put up with it. Your DD will gain that too as she has more life experience.

Chat with her to explore how she feels and how she might feel and what she could do in given situations. When DS2 was really hurt by a very bitchy girl I asked him to judge her, instead of being so hurt she;d judged him. I got him to score how nice a person she was, how many qualities she had that he;d look for in a friend, how much she enhanced the party he went to, so that he regained control of his sense of self worth. Not a hate-fest, just an appraisal of people who behave in ways that make us feel uncomfortable or bad.

Encourage her to have some ready phrases and practise saying them clearly and confidently: I don't want to do that. No, I'm not doing that. I don't do things like that. I don't want to play if you boss me around. Etc.