AIBU to be horrified my ex husband’s ashes have been divided into two

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After 10 months of trying to find out what has happened to my ex husband’s ashes (he tragically died of a brain tumour last November) so our 13 year old son can grieve, I have just received a message that my ex’s new wife (who married him on his deathbed) has divided the ashes into two. She is intending to put some of ‘her’ half in a plant pot and heaven knows what she will do with the rest. I had asked if they could all be scattered by his parents memorial place so my son could visit that spot when he felt sad. I think she is being unbelievably cruel to my son particularly as she hasn’t been in touch with him since the funeral or am I missing something?

She is being cruel to your son. Yes she is grieving too but that doesn’t chNge the fact that your son has lost his dad. I lost my parent as a teenager and was traumatised by not knowing where they ‘were’. My other parent was too upset to deal with it and scattered them without me. they refused to say where and it was devastating.

After almost two years they relented but the consequence has been a lifetime of poor mental health and a severely damaged relationship with my surviving parent.

You need to speak out on your sons behalf. Make sure she allows you to access the the remaining ashes on yours sons behalf and please don’t ever tell him they have been split.

I cannot understand how people believe that the needs of the spouse overrule the needs of a deceased person’s child. Especially where the child is of your sons age.

I think it maybe overlooked from an adult perspective - when you have your views on what happens after death fairly set and worked out- to underestimate the need for a physical ‘place’ for a young person who may not have it all worked out yet.

BlackCatSleeping I agree totally .We have sprinkled my Mums ashes in a special place,but I feel she is with me on days out.when I dont feel well,just randomly.My friend made a "memory box" with photos ,special things ,days out of them together and so on (Her Mother). Are there any special places they would visit together?, things he liked films etc ?.Just talking to him helps as well .Also there is an online group for bereaved children as well

It’s fairly common to split ashes these days. Two years ago the wife of a friend died suddenly aged 37, her ashes were split so that her parents had half and her husband the other half (no kids). They each did what they felt most appropriate with them.

MIL died earlier this year, her ashes have been split in two and when everyone feels the time is right half will be interred with her parents on the other side of the country and the other half will be placed somewhere (we haven’t decided where yet) in the town she spent the last 30 years of her life.

I totally agree that not telling your son what is being done with them is unkind, but it is a pretty common thing to do these days.

It may be that she didn't know what she planned to do with the ashes to be able to tell you. It's not the sort of thing that people can make an instant decision on when they are grieving to the extent she will be. It's still only ten months, thats very early days in terms of a loss like she has had.

The accusations of cruelty are incredibly unfair and small minded.

My brother’s ashes were split and scattered in two places that are special to him.
Be very careful not to let your clear dislike of your ex husband’s widow influence you here.
It’s unusual that your son has felt unable to grieve until he knew what had happened to the ashes. Did he attend his dad’s funeral?
If his father’s widow excluded him from the funeral, then I agree, she has been cruel, but I think it is normal for the widow or widower to be left with the ashes and decide what is done with them.
I hope you haven’t made a big thing of this.
Did she send the message?
In any event, I would suggest writing a note or an email, saying you hope she has been managing over what must have been a very difficult year for her. Give her a bit of news about what your son has been doing (GCSE options/ hobbies/ whatever) - and how he has been coping. Then ask what plans she has for X’s ashes. Say that if and when they are scattered somewhere, DS might want to visit the place now or in the future as an act of remembrance.
Wish her well as a sign off and then wait for a reply.