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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset about this?

23 replies

covetingthepreciousthings · 21/09/2019 23:54

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive, or if I'm right to be upset.

One of my favourite bands is playing near to our home town next year, I've never seen them before & have been playing their albums on repeat..

My Dh likes them, but not quite as much as me, but it was assumed that he would go with me because we'd enjoy the v. v. rare child free night together.

The night before the tickets go on sale, I was talking about how we would have to get them at 9am otherwise they'll sell out, but that I was worried because it was a lot of money & travel might not be that easy.

Anyways the discussion then led to him saying 'well why don't you go with one of your friends.... oh wait..' then laughed looking at me (insinuating I don't have any friends TO ask), then he realised I now had bit fat tears welling up in my eyes & he started apologising.

I haven't been able to get it out of my head, it just really upset me. It's something I am very conscious of, as I don't have many friends at all, certainly none I could have asked over DH to go to the concert. I don't have 'mum friends' & all my other friends have disbanded over the years. I constantly feel down about my friendship situation & this just really upset me. He does know that it's a touchy subject for me.

Should I have just laughed it off? I worry I've been too sensitive.

Worst part is, we didn't even get the bloody tickets & I've completely missed out now Sad

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 21/09/2019 23:59

He was horribly cruel. What a nasty prick. That’s so hurtful. I couldn’t forgive that. No one who loves you would have said that to you.

You are under-reacting. He’s a wanker.

MsVestibule · 22/09/2019 00:01

Of course YANBU to be upset 😕. Why would he say something like that when he knows you're upset about not having friends? It was unpleasant and unnecessary.

But when you say 'it was assumed he would go with me', had you both made that assumption, or just you?

Original poster
covetingthepreciousthings · 22/09/2019 00:05

But when you say 'it was assumed he would go with me', had you both made that assumption, or just you?*

when he found out they were touring, he actually said we should make sure we get good seats.

OP posts:
Original poster
covetingthepreciousthings · 22/09/2019 00:06

Sorry bold fail there in my last post, but I took that to mean he wanted to see them as-well as me, since it was said before I'd even really had chance to comment about going.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 22/09/2019 00:11

I know I’m partially missing the point but if you sign up with Twickets there’s a fair chance you’ll be able to get tickets resold from someone who can no longer attend. Depending on the performer sometimes lots of tickets come up often close to the actual date
www.twickets.live/

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/09/2019 00:13

It’s something a bully would say, to deliberately wound someone.

Original poster
covetingthepreciousthings · 22/09/2019 00:26

Thanks @bionicnemonic Smile

OP posts:
Fookinwot · 22/09/2019 00:29

Why would he think you’d find that funny? It’s not even remotely funny! Is he usually such a prick?

HaileySherman · 22/09/2019 00:32

OP there's nothing wrong with you. That was unnecessary and mean of him. In my experience, men have the luxury of developing and tending to their friendships when they have babies/children, while women do not. Their world gets wrapped up in caring for everyone and everything but themselves. I see it happen all the time. It happened to me as well. If your husband wasn't wasting time thinking up cruel comments to make, he could have made sure you had the time to either spend time with old friends or get involved in activities to make new ones. Has he wver said, "hey honey, why don't you take a dance/art/book club night each week? I got the kids and dinner, you deserve some down time with other adults." I'm guessing never. You aren't alone. And he's a dick for being hurtful instead of helpful.

Original poster
covetingthepreciousthings · 22/09/2019 01:11

Is he usually such a prick?

No, he doesn't have form. Which I guess is why it threw me.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 22/09/2019 01:13

I'd be tempted to get one ticket, and go by myself. Leave DH at home to look after the DC.

Ebonyandivory2 · 22/09/2019 01:14

He was quite nasty. If he doesn’t have form I’d give him the befit of the doubt and put it down to a moment of thoughtlessness. Have you tried meet up OP? I’ve made some really good friends through it Smile i’d highly recommend it

NicolaStart · 22/09/2019 01:18

He probably just made a really clumsy move. Did you talk about it?

Did the upset contribute to you not getting tickets, or were you just unlucky ?

bullseye2018 · 22/09/2019 01:28

That was a shitty thing for him to say, OP. Flowers

Just out of curiosity, does he have many friends?

Original poster
covetingthepreciousthings · 22/09/2019 01:48

Just out of curiosity, does he have many friends?

No, not many at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
covetingthepreciousthings · 22/09/2019 01:50

Did the upset contribute to you not getting tickets, or were you just unlucky ?

The upset definitely contributed Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
covetingthepreciousthings · 22/09/2019 01:50

I'd be tempted to get one ticket, and go by myself. Leave DH at home to look after the DC.

It's all sold out now, otherwise I probably should have done. Sad

OP posts:
SamanthaJayne4 · 22/09/2019 02:00

Some tickets may become available in time. I got a ticket which had someone else's name on. Only get one ticket of course and go by yourself !

FelicityBeedle · 22/09/2019 02:15

My partner doesn’t have many friends, we joke about it, a comment like that would be pretty standard. If he didn’t realise how upset about this you were then it’s fair, if he knew and you’d discussed he’s a dick

Coyoacan · 22/09/2019 02:24

It depends on the tone he said it in. But if he said it in a way to rub salt into the wounds I would wonder how much he has contributed to you not having any friends, as that is a classic abuser tactic.

However there is a stage when our friends settle down and we have small children when it is easy to end up without any friends. With time and patience that time does pass and you start to rebuild a network of friends.

Mothership4two · 22/09/2019 02:36

Sounds like he made a clumsy stupid joke without thinking. You say he doesnt have form so I would forgive and forget. As soon as he saw you were upset he apologised and probably now feels terrible. It sounds like he really didnt want to go and may have not been thinking about what he was actually saying - like my dh at times! If you think he intentionally tried to hurt you, then that is something you need to talk about, but, do you really think that was the case?

Sometimes people do make jokes about sensitive subjects to make light of them and as a coping mechanism. His just missed the mark bigtime.

UANBU - this is a sensitive subject for you which is why it has upset you so much.

Bugger about the tickets though!

HennyPennyHorror · 22/09/2019 02:37

If he's usually nice all I can think is that he's genuinely concerned for you at the lack of friendship in your life.

He may have tried to use humour to bring it up...not funny though.

I would take my anger and use it to try to broaden my circles OP....can you join some clubs or volunteer?

NicolaStart · 22/09/2019 09:59

It was a thoughtless comment, but I can see how the “oh wait...” joke structure gets trotted out without thought.

But it struck your raw spot.

But getting so upset about it, rather than defending yourself with a counter comment (“says Mr Billy NoMates”) or being assertive and direct (“that was a horrible thing to say”) contributed to you losing what you most wanted.

So in that context I would say you were being over-fragile.

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