To ask for advice on making friends?

[feelingkindalow]

Mid 20s, living in London, quite a sociable person. I feel like I am crap at making friends! I have a busy job which involves me having little time off and live on my own which probably doesn’t help. Have a close knit group of school and university friends and have historically always had a best friend. But now my best friends have boyfriends and less time for me - which I accept happens! And we also all live far away from each other.

I mainly meet people at work, who all seem to have close friendship groups of other work people but I just somehow don’t fit in? At first people seem really eager to try and befriend me but then it just melds away, I am taking it quite personally now :s I try not to complain too much, ask lots of questions, say the right things, I feel like I must be doing something very wrong.

I don’t have the social media huge friendship groups that others my age seem to have and actually really want that :( please help xx

Well, what kind of people do you like? You seem to be focusing on whether or not the people you work with like you, but surely it should be the other way round -- do you like them?

Thanks - yeah I do, most of them are quite a lot fun and I don’t know why I’m not in that category. To be fair I skip a lot of work social events and then when I do go out, I probably get a bit annoyed that we’re not instantly friends! Which is very unreasonable... Perhaps I just need to keep going! However there are a few instances where people will come and talk to me, be friendly etc, then when I invite them for coffees or have a chat with them, they won’t have time! But then need me again when they have an issue - it all seems to be on their terms

I think the best way is to get involved with a team sport - never worked for me though because I’m not in the slightest bit sporty. Hard if you’re pushed for time though and teams want commitment.

I would have also said bar work can be incredibly sociable but again if you don’t have much time it’s harder.

I feel for you, I’m rapidly approaching an age where things that actually appeal to me have groups and meets aimed at my age group which shouldn’t matter but does. You just automatically have more of a common starting point with people of a similar generation.

I’ve made a lot of fab new friends in the last few years (and attempted, but failed, to befriend many many more). My musings/conclusions are:

• People smell desperation! It’s really easy to scare people off by being too friendly too quickly. However well you get on, people get weirded out if you invite them to “coffee/lunch sometime” in a first chat. Or second or third chat! Take it reeeeaaaalllly slow.
• people like to have casual ‘fancy meeting you here’ type chats for the first few occasions. They do not want any intense/depressing chat. Save that for your family or old friends.
• people want to be friends with popular, happy types. When attempting to befriend people, mention anecdotes that demonstrate you have fab times with lots of buddies and are not a loser (even if you feel like a loser at that point and haven’t actually seen the buddies in ages). Don’t make stuff up, or boast, obviously. Never moan: Moaners repulse.
• be a great listener
• remember personal facts they mention to you, even if you have to make a note on your phone to help you remember. That way later you can ask “how’s your kid finding school / is your mum feeling better” etc.
• work out asap what you have in common. There is always something.
• don’t get drunk when trying to befriend people
• there’s no point trying to befriend someone who isn’t looking for a new friend: if they don’t have space in their life for you, you can’t make them need you.
• clubs / hobbies etc work as ways to meet people, but they work because it provides the opportunity for lots of casual meetings. Do you have time to do an evening class in something? Ideally something very chatty like acting/singing. If not, perhaps a lunchtime gym class? If you don’t make a new friend at least you’ll be healthier :) If too expensive is there perhaps a volunteer thing you could do?
• accept that making friends is hit and miss and most attempts will end in (somewhat embarrassing) failure. It can start to feel like you’re a 14 yr old boy trying to get a date. Don’t take rejection personally, just move on.
• every so often you will befriend someone then later discover that they are quite mad. Don’t worry about it, just let those false-start friendships wither and carry on looking.

@Skysblue great advice!

What are your interests? Can you join or start a group with something you like doing? For example, book club, craft club, knitting, crochet, stitch and bitch yoga classes, running etc etc.