Too break up with someone because you feel too ugly?

[Whatiswrongwithmed]

My self esteem is really low. I think it probably has got a lot lower since being in a relationship. It's nothing to do with him, he does tell me I'm beautiful. I know I shouldn't just keep concentrating on looks but it's hard not to when everybody else does. I feel way too ugly to have a boyfriend and it's now becoming a problem and effecting our relationship. He has a lot of friends, a lot of friends with stereotypically beautiful girlfriends and a lot of female friends that are also beautiful, he fancies beautiful celebrity's and follows instagram accounts of beautiful girls and its so hard not to let that all effect me and sometimes if I've seen he's liked a picture of instagram of a girl I will get really grumpy. He's really big on posting on social media, he has never posted about me or a picture of us and usually that's fine, I'm not big on public relaionships but when I see he's posted a picture with a really pretty female friend I can't help feeling jealous. I also suffer with social anxiety so I'm pretty quiet around his friends or family so it doesn't look like I've got much of a personality either so I'm constantly thinking I bet they wonder what the hell he's doing with me all the time, it's so bad, I know I need help. I really don't want to be without him, I love him and can see a future with him but I obviously need help and being with him constantly comparing myself to other woman is not helping. I can't help feeling I need to work on myself first to be in any sort of relationship. Or is it possible to work on myself while still in a relationship? I don't want to throw away a good thing, I would really miss him. I'm not sure what to do

Your worries about being "too ugly to have a boyfriend" are part and parcel of your social anxiety, not objective truths.

What help are you getting for your anxiety?

You talk about wanting to work on yourself. What do you think needs improving? Your boyfriend obviously likes you as you are.

Work on my self esteem, I have never gotten any professional help

Okay so... following beautiful insta girls personally wouldn’t bother me. HOWEVER I would never never ever ever do that if my partner had low self esteem. I think it’s pretty cruel actually. And does he give reason for why your relationship is a sm secret? We keep ours mostly out of sm but we’re both not big on it anyway, I’d imagine that if someone was documenting heir life on the internet their long term girlfriend would be a part of that!

Oh my lovely.

This is so painful and so familiar.

I obviously haven't seen you, so you will see this as hollow (I know I would), but I am willing to bet my eye teeth that you are absolutely NOT ugly. Very few people are - and even people who are not typically beautiful have things that can make them devastatingly attractive.

I've been here - and I've done a lot of work on it in therapy. I have had to focus on the compliments I get (which we all shrug off) and spot themes. It sounds weird, but it helped me. I was asked to name the things that people say most often. For me it was my eyes and my smile - which I found odd as I don't like my face when I'm smiling at all! My eyes go squinty and I think I look like a hamster...however, I have had to accept that people don't see what I do.

You do need help - and I'm sure you can do it while still in this relationship if you don't push your poor boyfriend away in the meantime.

I have also been on the other end of this. I had an ex who left me because he thought that no one could possibly love him or fancy him because of how he looked.

I did. And him leaving me devastated me. It was his own problem and - beyond the constant reassurance that I really DID fancy him and loved him desperately - there was nothing I could do to hold onto him while he felt like that about himself.

Your boyfriend is not being held at knifepoint to be with you. He wants to be. Because he loves you and fancies you. He thinks you are beautiful and tells you so. Please listen. Even if you disagree, you have to accept that he feels that way, or it will spoil something good.

Big hugs. Be kinder to yourself, please. You would never talk to a friend the way you are to yourself.

It could be deemed as controlling if you tell him he can’t like an Instagram photo of a model. I would work on your self esteem, exercise, hobbies, developing your personality and hopefully your confidence will grow. A lot of men do like self assured partners. Concentrate on 2 aspects of you that you like; be it physical or personality and increase on this.

And I would agree that his behaviour around other women on Instagram is hurtful, but have you told him how it makes you feel?

If you have and he's still doing it, then that's not on and he needs to be sensitive about your feelings.

You can get therapy and stay with him you just have to have an open and honest relationship where you have conversations about this kind of thing.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you are ugly. So what? I'm fat and ugly, there are certainly downsides but it not like I'm horribly disabled or desperately poor.

Your BF fancies you. He is (presumably) having sex with you. Respect him enough to respect his choices. Trust him enough to know that he will tell you if that changes. If you find something he does online disrespectful, talk to him. Behave as if you deserve respect whether you feel that way or not.

I don't think you can work on self respect in some abstract way. Work on being a good person. Work on helping others. Self respect will follow. You may never believe you are pretty but you may realise it doesn't matter.

Either

A) go and see your GP

Or

B) Google Talking Therapies in your area.

Maybe focus less on looks. Most people look normal. Presumably he wants to be with you for the whole person Do you only like him for his looks?

Social media is not real life

Sweetheart, you have a lovely boyfriend who thinks you are beautiful and wants to be with you. No one else is thinking any of those negative things about you. You do not need to break up with him, but you do need to see a counsellor because your self-esteem issues are threatening to seriously affect your life.