Told to butt out.

[Huxley1234]

My mil is dying and has had dementia for the last 2 years. She has been in a home for the past year. My dh and bil didn’t know what to do when the dementia started and I stepped in to make sure they got her the right help. It’s been a long tearful journey but she is now reaching the end and it will be a blessing as she is in a lot of pain (tumour in her stomache) that they find hard to get in top off. Doctor suggested hospice but the home she is in which is brilliant feel it would be better to end her life there with them. As kind as they are she doesn’t know who they are from one minute to the next so dying in a familiar place is not an issue. My dh phoned his brother from the car when we left her today. They think she should stay where she is but I chipped in saying I felt the hospice might be better( as I have experience with my dad spending his last days in one) at taking her pain away. Well my dh finished the call and told me to butt out as it was their mother and also he didn’t interfere when he felt I was wrong about my dads end of life care. My dad died 4 years ago and I’ve always worried about decisions I made. We’ve been married 41 years . He’s apologised after I told him how hurt I am but he still doesn’t want saying anything else about it. I’m the one who’s shoulder she cry’s on and I’m the one who had to make them understand how bad things were for her in the beginning. I’m just so pissed off with him. My opinion just doesn’t matter. Just wondered if anyone else has had to deal with this.

The hospice would of course be better and working in adult social care I'm always suspicious of homes taking on more than they should really be handling due to financial motivations. However, it's really DH and BIL that need to be happy with their decisions for MIL. There may also be a certain element of denial as moving to a hospice can be very final even if it's the best place to be. I would, however, be very unhappy with him dragging up issues with your dad given that he knows you've agonized over that decision. I wouldn't increase his hurt now but would be wanting to talk this through at a later date.

If a syringe driver has been fitted then i would assume that she doesnt have that long at all.

Each decision has its rationale. Neither is likely to be wrong so i wouldnt question things too much and just support your husband

Your both under a lot of pressure so I wouldn't take it to heart tbh.
Also I
you are still suffering the loss of your DF and memories are coming back to you how poorly he was.
Sending hugs to you all.

My Nan passed away in her care home. She also had dementia.

A move would have increased her distress, so she stayed put.

Had she been at peace then he’s a hospice would have been lovely and far nicer for her to pass in.

But sadly she was so distressed a move would have impacted that further.

What I’m trying to say badly is that there’s no right answer, but you’re both coming from a place of love for your Mum/mil

Chat later. Support now x

In both mine and my sister's experience, we were both hurt in very similar circumstances.
From a distance now, it will pass. These are difficult decisions and may be it's best that dh and his db make them. I would just step away for a bit.

@Huxley1234 how are you feeling today? It's all so tough and the death of one loved one brings back memories of others so it is very hard.

Stay strong. You are being kind and doing your best.