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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think some families just like their own company?

26 replies

Molly564 · 20/09/2019 19:22

So, it turns out that my parents are quite upset that my DHs family don’t have much to do with them...

They seem upset that we never spend xmas as one big family etc.

They also mentioned that they didn’t get invited to my DHs niece’s 21st.

I tried to explain that as a family they like to keep themselves to themselves!

They don’t seem to get it!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 20/09/2019 19:26

OMG. You married into their family. Your family did not marry them. . .

Miljah · 20/09/2019 19:32

This can be a minefield. I'm aware that this can happen anywhere, given that I have cousins whose entire social life is en famille; but I first really became aware of it in Brisbane, where I was living for several years.

I now know I was part of a lot of young people's Rumsprina, their 'time out in the real world', a la Amish. We had a laugh, but now, every single one of them is married within their communities, it's impossible to meet up especially of a weekend because it's a third cousin's 14th birthday. I'd say 99% of their social interaction is with family.

That's fine, each to their own; but it is a thing.

AmIThough · 20/09/2019 19:34

Are you an only child?

dayswithaY · 20/09/2019 19:35

Why would your parents expect to be invited to your husband's niece's party? Keep the in laws apart is my advice.

Krisskrosskiss · 20/09/2019 19:36

YANBU my parents are very reserved. Theres no way they would spend prolonged periods with my inlaws or anyone they didnt really know for that matter. I'm the same to be honest. Its lucky that my in laws arent actually that bothered outside of big occasions... and even then they just expect me to attend not my parents and they would never expect to be invited to any of my families events other than mine and my husbands.
But I had an ex with a super close extended family... and I just found the level of interaction horrific.

GreenTulips · 20/09/2019 19:37

I agree, your parents don’t need to be involved in that side of your family. I assume you also include them in your plans occasionally?

CBCB7992 · 20/09/2019 19:37

Yes deffo. As a family (me, partner and DC) we like our own company.

Both our familes live locally and see them completely separately. My mum and mil have only met a couple of times and we’ve been together for several years.

habibihabibi · 20/09/2019 19:47

My parents met my inlaws for the first time at our wedding 12 yrs ago and haven't seen each other since.

NerrSnerr · 20/09/2019 19:51

My parents have only met my in-laws at the wedding and as far as I'm concerned it'll be the only time they meet. They live about 4 hours away from each other and are completely different people. I guess the only other time they'll meet is if they're still alive if my children get married.

ChicCroissant · 20/09/2019 19:52

I don't recall my parents being invited to in-laws birthday parties but yes they did go to some events/weddings (not just mine!) but we lived fairly close and they did get on well. But not best mates by any means, just the odd event.

Does your family have form for including everyone in their own celebrations, OP, and can't see why other's don't?

CMOTDibbler · 20/09/2019 19:59

I've been with DH for 20 something years and our parents have met twice, and extended past that have met only at our wedding.

Why would your parents expect to be invited to a DNs birthday party?

sleepylittlebunnies · 20/09/2019 20:00

My parents and my in-laws get on really well. We’ve been together 20 years. Parents and siblings came to our destination wedding, the party back home, christenings and were invited by siblings to their weddings. We always invite all parents, grandparents and siblings & partners to parties and BBQs, including siblings PIL. They are all good company though.

Our parents even met up some evenings on separate holidays to the same place, ring up if we tell them one of them is poorly and all help with childcare. They aren’t however invited to in-laws extended family occasions and don’t expect to be.

Original poster
Molly564 · 20/09/2019 20:36

@AmIThough not an only child but my only sibling does have special needs

OP posts:
Original poster
Molly564 · 20/09/2019 20:39

My parents have invited my DHs family most family events in recent years but only my MIL & FIL have gone (not to all of them). DM said she doesn’t understand why BILs & SIL have no time for them. I just explained that they have their own lives and families!!!

OP posts:
LisaSimpsonsbff · 20/09/2019 20:43

This is a bit of an issue in my family too. My (much louder and more extrovert, and also just bigger) family always invite MIL and PIL over on Boxing Day etc, and I can tell MIL and PIL hate it, but they soldier through it politely. I wish they'd just say no - no one would mind, though at the same time no one minds them being there either - but they're generally a lot more formal than my family and I think they find the whole etiquette very confusing. I have tried to hint that it's ok not to come, but it's hard to do without implying that I don't want them there!

dollydaydream114 · 20/09/2019 20:55

It's nice if you can have them over together and they can get on - but that's really just down to luck, isn't it? There's no reason they'd automatically click as friends. And I wouldn't expect in-laws to be invited to things like weddings and birthdays for the other side's family. I mean, I wouldn't have expected my SIL to invite my parents to her 40th, for instance.

My parents and get on well with my MIL, but it's just luck really. Both my mum and MIL are very easygoing and chatty and just get along with practically anybody (much more so than me and my DP, in fact!). But we don't really get them together very often because there are loads of other factors like geography and my dad having complicated needs due to disability which just make it really difficult.

Bouffalant · 20/09/2019 20:59

I'm not even keen on my own extended family's events!

bridgetreilly · 20/09/2019 21:06

Your parents need to get a grip. Your in laws are not, in fact, their in laws.

I know my brother's in laws and we are civil when we see each other, but there is no way on earth that I'm voluntarily spending time with them at their family events. And, to be fair, they would never expect me to, because I am not part of their family and they are not part of mine.

Sallyseagull · 20/09/2019 21:06

My family are very quiet and keep to themselves, husbands family are larger and socialise more. My family join in when needed but I know they'd prefer not to socialise as much.

It's just how some people are.

Original poster
Molly564 · 20/09/2019 21:35

Thanks everyone! Glad it’s not just my family

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 20/09/2019 21:40

I don't get how in-laws can be kept apart apart from the wedding? What about children's first birthdays and christenings etc? All the milestones? Aren't they meeting then?

GreenTulips · 20/09/2019 21:54

It’s one thing to invite to a child’s party quite another for your husbands cousins wife 40th!!

zeezee3 · 20/09/2019 22:13

YANBU. No need for in laws to mix. And I would certainly not spend Christmas with our adult childrens partner's family. oh the horror! Shock

zeezee3 · 20/09/2019 22:14

YANBU. No need for in laws to mix. And I would certainly not spend Christmas with our adult childrens partner's family. oh the horror! Shock

bluecheeze · 20/09/2019 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.