DD thinks she hasn't got any friends, AIBU to think the school could help?

[Namechanged019]

She is year 7 and hasn't settled in yet, though it's only been a couple of weeks. She has come home crying on multiple occasions because she feels like she is being left out. She does know people from her primary school but apparently they're all hanging out with the bullies and being mean to her all of a sudden. I emailed her head of year and got the reply that basically there's nothing they can do, they can't force people to be friends with her and maybe she should join a lunchtime club.

It isn't a job for the school, especially in Secondary.
The best they can do is suggest that she joins some different clubs. That way she may meet like minded people to form friendships with.

Years ago many schools may have supported in some way but, thanks to budget cuts, most have lost their pastoral support.

Well the school could do something about the bullying that's for sure.

There is another thread on this - almost exactly the same issue under secondaray education. There is lots of great advice on there - may that could help.

I don't agree that it isn't a job for secondary. They could help her with finding a different friendship groupor involving her in other activities. It can be a big transition moving from a small primary to a big secondary. Hope the other threads help you and your DD.

She needs to stop looking for a group and start looking for nice kids on their own

She won’t be the only one

Oh no, the poor girl! Would she try the lunchtime club idea? Hope things improve for her soon.

I am a pastoral manager with responsibility for Yr 7 and it is incredibly busy at the moment, op. As a pp has said cuts have meant that there isn't a lot of pastoral support - we have a team of 4 for the whole school (almost 1000 students).

Yes, the school should be trying to do something about the bullying , but helping your dd to make friends? They just won't have time.

your daughter and you have too high expectations. Friendships take time and can't be forced. Sadly, some kids will feel quite lonely to start with, but if they focus on just being themselves, pleasant, helpful, and friendly, they will come to her.

My DD was in the same situation, moved to a new town, all came from the same two schools, and she felt like she was never going to make friends, but she did, and by the end of the year had many friends, which changed over the years.

It's all normal, and an important learning stage in life.

I think the school can do stuff to help. For example, if the teachers set the seating plan they can put her next to someone else who may be struggling, she won't be the only one. Likewise in her tutor group, the tutor can discreetly match up children who they think will get on and put them together. It is obviously not 100% foolproof but it is a start. My DD's school sends out email invitations to try lunchtime clubs, they get a better take up that way. So I would maybe speak to her tutor as they will know her better than the HOY.

My heart goes out to her, my daughter was put in a similar position when he two good friends both moved away within a year and her form/tutor group was something like 6 girls and 20 boys, the girls all being a clique.
I tried the school to ask if teachers could be prompted to put pupils into groups, rather than allowing them to group themselves, and so on, with little success.
Is there a library where she might either sit and read quietly at break or lunch or even get her homework over and done with?
Clubs are a good idea - is there something run by a 'nice' teacher?
We enjoyed a book, it is American, but it's an interesting analysis of the roles girls play in friendship groups which might give you some insight.
www.amazon.co.uk/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-boyfriends-realities/dp/0749924373?linkCode=xm2&SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&creativeASIN=0749924373&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&creative=165953&camp=2025

Another parent of a Y7 transitioner here! The move to secondary has been far harder than I could have ever expected - and that's me solely considering my own feelings and not even those of my daughter! A good friend whose child has moved into Y8 after a really tumultuous Y7 has compared the move as akin to a first-time parent entering the world of weaning, with all its associated anxieties, risks and dangers.

My own child had a bit of a purple patch, hanging out with her form group in its entirety and considering everyone her new best friend. Latterly, there have been niggles about the girls in her form saving seats on the bus or the lunch table for other friends, but not her. I would echo the suggestions above to encourage your daughter to join as many lunchtime clubs as possible; this has been revelatory for my child as she's met more kindred spirits (aka quirky-geeky girls who are obsessed with Japanese anime) at the opt-in clubs than in her randomly, computer-generated form.

Another thing I would recommend is to focus on out-of-school activities; Guides, for example, has been brilliant for helping to build my daughter's confidence and self-esteem and she has made firm friendships with local girls who attend other high schools. I've always pursued a philosophy of nurturing out-of-school friendships for my daughter as, in its most crude form, you spread the risk and there's always a kind friend available, even when things in class are tricky.

Just to chime in again to say that I disagree with the attitude that it's not the school's job to help the more vulnerable children and assist with their friendships. I'm a survivor of a 1980s secondary school with its unenlightened sink-or-swim attitude and methodology and I'm delighted to observe that my daughter's school is the complete antithesis.

If children are not happy, they will not learn. We're all becoming more aware of the importance of positive mental health, and how, in comparison with the majority of European countries, our young people are low down the rankings in the 'happiness' league table.

Our children spend around seven hours a day at school, (almost equivalent to a full-time job). If I had to endure the misery of my work colleagues ostracising me, day in day out, I would be unhappy and I would most definitely be raising it as a concern with my seniors.

She sounds like one of those hard work children who calls other children who dont want to be her friend bullies.

The school have given you the best advice - tell her to join clubs and groups. She will make different friends and meet other people.

Unless your DD is actually being bullied then school can't really do anything. I would question though why your DD calls the girls bullies? Are they actually bullying people?

Friendships usually take time. Usually by xmas she will find her friends. I agree with joining a lunch time club, great idea. She ll end up with more friends that way.

@Whatafackinliberty rude

Years ago many schools may have supported in some way but, thanks to budget cuts, most have lost their pastoral support

Still a lot of pastoral support, despite the party political dig, but this isn't a school issue, you can't expect, or want, them to micro-manage your child's social life.

I'm a Year 7 tutor and have had three different sets of parents contact me about the same thing today. It's two weeks in and for some children the panic sets in that they haven't found their niche yet.

School could have worded it more kindly, but I think the message is the most empowering one; encourage her to join clubs, reassure her that it is completely normal to not have made loads of friends yet, that she doesn't need to worry.

Over the past 10 years, none of my Year 7 students were friendless by October. It's so stressful for parents and I really think the best thing you can do is praise her for her successes so far, and downplay the anxiety that she is somehow 'doing it wrong'.

Hugs to you, but she will be fine. Step back and give her the opportunity to find her own way for a few more weeks.

DC's school would have a few lines of support, actually.

They have lots of lunchtime clubs to get the yr7s to meet & mix.

They have an anti-bullying school leaders; but basically, those are older kids the younger ones can bring any problem to. Or just someone to chat with.

Breaktimes & lunchtime: The library is available for kids who want quiet space, and kids are often given chance to do 'useful' stuff in library/drama studio/catering rooms if they might be bored & lonely otherwise.

I'd ask her form tutor if they have any suggestions. Ours try to be very contactable.

Encourage her to take advantage of as many clubs as she can - lunchtime & after school.

Schools don't have time to make sure kids play together nicely at this time of year. There's all the new medical issues (and parents who don't get around to mentioning life threatening ones on the form where it specifically asks for such information), baseline assessments to perform and analyse, there's parents wanting assessments on their year 10s, year 11s actually needing them, people changing their mind about their option subjects, kids who have dropped off the radar and could be at risk, could be starting at other schools, could have left the country, kids who have lost parents or homes over the summer, others wanting remarks, etc, etc.

It's obviously important, but at present, there are many, many other things that need to be done before there is time to look at somebody in their first few days whose mum is worried hasn't got three best friends yet.

With all the will in the world, there just isn't enough hours in the day and the majority of kids will settle into a group of like minded friends over the next fortnight.

I would recommend this fiction book as I read it when I was your daughter's age and found it helpful in a similar situation www.goodreads.com/book/show/848868.Wonder

I would also recommend Judy Bloom's books as I loved them when I was a teenager.

Good luck

It's very early days to be panicking that she's not in the cool kids club yet. Joining lunchtime clubs is exactly the right advice. The school ARE offering support, by offering these clubs, and now it is up to your daughter to take advantage of them. She's in secondary now, she has to take some responsibility for her social interactions, you can't expect the school to engineer friendships for her.

Back in the 80s i started secondary with 2 friends from primary but within 2 weeks they dropped me completely.
Luckily I made better friends by joining the drama group with one other girl (still friends 40 years later) and found my own people.
If your dd has a specific interest get her to join lunchtime/after school clubs where it is much easier to make friends as you all have something in common.
I was a very shy year 7 but the drama group made me way more confident by year 8.

I was a year 7 form tutor last year. When these situations arose, which they often do, I had discrete words with 'nice' students to make sure the lonely one wasn't left out at lunch time etc. I asked the child who they would like to sit near and I moved things around. If there was a specific problem with a seating plan in different classes I contacted the teachers and they discreetly changed things. If it was really bad we'd find a mentor from an older year group. I encouraged them to join clubs.

The HOY will no doubt be really busy at the moment, but she could at least ask the form tutor to make some very minor changes and to keep an eye on her.