My partners has an elderly mother, who he lives with and cares for. I initially didn't get on with her and therefore didn't go to her home much.
However on the times I did I couldn't help notice neglect. It's a hard word to use but I cannot think of another more appropriate.
I believe its partially self neglect though now I suspect her mental capacity was worse than I originally thought and partially his ignorance or not wanting to address it.
Her hair was never washed or brushed. She wasn't getting washed reguarly, if at all. She didnt always make it to the toilet so her shoes and trousers would be soaked with urine. Her clothes dirty from food. The clothes she would wash she would scatter all over the house where there was dust and debris. Clutter just everywhere!
I think my partner turned a blind eye. That's all I can think. Just accepting how things are and putting his head in the sand. It frustrated me.
I often mentioned carers for her but he was adamant that she refuses and how they had carers before. I mentioned cleaners or having one big professional clean. He refused as he was so frightened of her being upset, saying how proud she is and how much she cries about not being able to do what she wants.
He always talked about wanting to look after her and do his best for her. That to him is checking on her a lot, checking if she was okay, checking if she needs anything, bringing her drinks and food, taken her out the house shopping but her basic hygiene and living standards he seemed blind too.
I continued to encourage outside help. When she ended up in hospital. I thought here is my chance for intervention. We went around the house and tackled the clean.
I filled around 3 full bin bags worth of clutter, several bin bags worth of rubbish and filled several bin bags of clothes littered all over the kitchen.
He tackled her bedroom. Again a similar story but he found soiled bedding, pads and underwear she was obviously too embarrassed to throw away.
She came back from hospital weak and in a state, soiled pads and dirty clothes. An absolute mess.
With a lot of encouragement over two days and her swallowing her pride, I washed her, found her clean clothes and combed her matted hair. Managed to convince my partner to just do the things that's needed even if it upsets his mum. He threw away her food soiled bedding and bed sheets and we just replaced it. She just accepted what we did with no complaint.
It was my opportunity to point out the terrible state of the house, her bedroom and how much help she needs. I think my partners eyes were opened but I still couldn't convince him to get carers.
She was admitted to hospital around a month ago following a fall and is still there. Thankfully in this time, he has fully embraced what she needs. I'm saying she needs a new bed - he looks into it. I'm saying she needs new clothes and her old ones sorting into charity/bin/packed away - he listens.
He embraces the practical but still when he goes to hospital every other day. It's me reminding hair needs brushing and having to remind her dentures need cleaning daily after them being cleaned this time for the first time in a month!!
Am I being unreasonable to wonder how its possible that some people just cant seem to register the basic needs of a person?
All us capable beings wash regularly, wash hair, teeth brushed daily, clean clothes. Basics.