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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Fatist' mother comments

25 replies

Marzipane · 20/09/2019 15:23

My DM is constantly judging people's weight and it's making it hard to spend time with her because it makes me angry.

When she talks about her friends she always mentions their dress size. "Oh Sandra, you know, size 8 but has cream on her hot chocolate" or "I met Aileen last week, she's getting bigger every time I see her." She tuts and rolls her eyes when she sees someone quite overweight in town. I find her attitude awful.

She called me fat when I was a teenager and she's obsessed with the scales herself. She's never been overweight and has had two cosmetic procedures (that she didn't need, she's very pretty and looks great for her age) on her face.

AIBU to have told her she's being extremely fatist? She said I was being ridiculous and there's no such thing. I put up with it because I think it stems from insecurity in herself, but that doesn't make it right.

How can I get through to her?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 20/09/2019 15:27

How can I get through to her?

You can’t. Long bitter experience. The best thing is just to disengage and ignore those sorts of comments as far as possible. I’d say something like “I don’t like those comments, I don’t want to hear them and I’m not going to respond to them”.

Toastymash · 20/09/2019 15:31

My mum is like this. You can't get through to her. It's her own issue that she has to work through, if she chooses to. My advice is to just ignore her when she does it. That's what I do with my mum and it keeps the peace.

pontiouspilates · 20/09/2019 15:41

My mum is also like this. She has asked both my DDs (both v. Slim) how much they weigh. She will also gleefully tell me if a y of her friends have gained weight.

Shopkinsdoll · 20/09/2019 15:48

My mum can be like an that. At school activity’s eg assembly s or coffee mornings. My mum will say, oooh look at the size of her/him I can’t see. But she doesn’t realise she’s saying out loud. Or what is that person wearing? Or who calls their child that? I don’t really ask her to join me often lol 😂

FrauHaribo · 20/09/2019 15:49

Not sure the word "fatist" applies

She has an unhealthy obsession, but it's her own life she is making hard.
She might need to work hard to look as great as she does, that's important to her. You won't change her. Hopefully she is happy like that.

So many threads about women miserable about the way they look, at least your mother seem to do something not to be like that. Ignore, you don't have to join in.

Lvsel · 20/09/2019 15:58

Shes insecure about her own weight

TheNavigator · 20/09/2019 16:02

My MIL is like this. After a lifetime of dieting her bones are crumbling with osteoporosis. Still, at least she was never fat unlike all those awful women she loves to judge. There is literally nothing you can do but refuse to engage with her (and feel sorry for her).

AnExParrot · 20/09/2019 16:04

I could have written this post.

As PP have said: you can't get through to her. This sort of thing is entrenched and does, sadly, probably stem from her own insecurities. Try to take comfort that you have the right attitude towards people.

The way I deal with it is like this: every time my DM makes a negative weight comment I counter with a positive.
"Ooh, I saw Brenda and she's put on so much weight!"
"Is that your friend with the gorgeous brown eyes? She's always so funny!"
Sanctimonious but makes me feel better.

Original poster

Marzipane · 20/09/2019 16:09

every time my DM makes a negative weight comment I counter with a positive.

I love this! I'll ignore the negative and combat it with a positive. I'll feel like I'm doing something good then. If she makes a comment about a stranger's weight, I'll find something about them to compliment.

OP posts:

pigeononthegate · 20/09/2019 16:12

My MIL is like this. She definitely sees fat as a moral failing and is viscerally horrified by it. She's never weighed more than 8 stone in her life and is very loud and exhibitionist when we go out for meals "oh, I'll have the salmon, but salad, no potatoes, and I don't want the dressing on it" blah fucking blah. Drives me up the wall.

Ambidexte · 20/09/2019 16:13

Another one with a mum like this.

It's grim and offensive enough in itself, but now she's started doing it in front of my DD10 and saying how "disgusting" fat people look.

First time it happened I was too shocked to respond properly and just ignored it. Second time I eyeballed her and said loudly, "It's not OK to talk about other people's bodies like that."

If it happens again I'll probably repeat that line and then walk out and take DD with me.

No way I want DD developing an eating disorder like I did as a teenager.

Pancakeflipper · 20/09/2019 16:15

My mother is similar. Food making you fat was an issue when I was growing up. Being very slim is very attractive and a wonderful thing to be. If you are not then you have no redeeming features.

One of sisters hardly eats and suffers with health issues that can relate to diet. But mum thinks she is perfect as she is "all bone without an inch of fat on her". Whereas I am a fat blimp because I am a size 12. All her children have body issues.
And I think my siblings and I work really hard to try make sure we don't pass it onto our own children.

SweatyPie · 20/09/2019 16:21

My mum is exactly like this, despite being heavier set herself and constantly points out people's wait when driving etc.

I never say anything, as I'm not overweight so I don't feel attacked personally and don't feel it's worth the conflict. Good for you for calling her out, though.

It's just rude, hopefully she'll at least stop when you're around but I doubt it'll change much really.

GracefulHare · 20/09/2019 16:32

My mum has always been terrible for this & it's really embarrassing. She's got virtually no filter & will comment "Crikey! I can see why she's fat!" in pubs & restaurants as people's food arrives on other tables. We ignore her or she'd go on & on. She'll make a massive deal of being petite & light herself of course but she's naturally built that way & has zero understanding of anyone's weight issues. It's infuriating but to argue with her just adds fuel to the fire. She's right everyone else is wrong. I dodge meals out these days & leave it to my sister who's far more tolerant with her. Recently she's been commenting on my dsis's meals asking if she's really going to eat all that?? We all laugh about it but I make damn sure my dds know I think she's wrong & very rude.

sugarbum · 20/09/2019 16:35

I understand. You can't change it but i love the postive response thing too.
My DStep-M is the same. She's never been fat. She got to 9 stone 3lb once and was horrified with herself. She's been living on small amounts of fruit and veg ever since and is now 8st 3. Its probably the first thing she talks about when we speak (on the phone, I haven't seen her for a long while, which is just as well as I'm literally twice her weight) Its just ingrained. She's 75 now and has been this way all her life. My DStep_Sis likes to report back on literally everything I write on facebook. I wasn't on the ball one day and wrote about having to get my rings cut off for an MRI and how I'd put on 5 stone since I put them on (15 years ago) I'm not proud of it, its just the way it is. I've always been prone to being fat and I've dropped the ball. The first thing she said when I called her was 'I've heard you've been a bit naughty? 'Eh'? Well you've put a lot of weight on. That was her way of addressing it kindly.

I did have an eating disorder for many years, which started when I was about 11. I don't attribute it to her, but it didn't help.

WillLokireturn · 20/09/2019 16:39

It is rude and judgy of your mum. I can see why that annoys you. Good plan to counter it with positives.

kateandme · 20/09/2019 16:48

good god what it is with these mothers.
same.and always trying to tell you how light she is.making point to tell you ho little she eats.
the vile comments about others.
looking meals up and down.
comments on how clothes sit or dont sit well.show all lumps and bumps.
how bony her rms have become.
how much weight shes losing each week "oh dear its just falling off"
and all in front of one family member with anorexia too.fucking hate it.

kateandme · 20/09/2019 16:51

funnily enough though golden boy son has a barrel of treats.jaffa cakes,kit kat chunkys.biscuits.parkin.hmmmmm

kateandme · 20/09/2019 16:51

funnily enough though golden boy son has a barrel of treats.jaffa cakes,kit kat chunkys.biscuits.parkin.hmmmmm

Johnjoeseph · 20/09/2019 16:51

I did a double take reading this OP! My mum is exactly the same and I was going to post something similar the other day but got side tracked.

It really bothers me. Especially now I have DDs. They're too young to notice yet but this outlook is insidious so I've already had to nip it in the bud with her. I've told her I don't talk about weight or people's bodies in front of the DC. She looked affronted and has of course talked about these things many times since as she just can't help herself.

It's so entrenched. She is also a beautiful woman - always has been and as her self esteem is low in other areas of her life she needs the compliments on her looks to validate herself. So she's therefore obsessed with vanity but prentends not to be. She's actually obsessed with "healthy eating" thinks it's cures all ills and if any one has a medical condition it's probably because they don't eat healthy "like WE do". I'm a yo-yo dieter and an emotional eater and I 100% attribute that to how I was brought up. I really want to avoid it with my daughters. Solidarity OP!

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 20/09/2019 16:52

You won't. Just ignore. My DM is appearance obsessed. She's a very good style critic in many ways but I've learnt to tune out or ignore anything that's mean or superfluous.

mbosnz · 20/09/2019 16:53

I've somehow managed to terrify Mum into not doing this around me, and she knows God Help Her if she starts in on my daughters.

I will not tolerate it. One sister had an eating disorder that she laid directly at Mum's door as a result of spiteful comments about her weight, and she's not doing it to me or mine.

I don't know how I did it though. It might have been the surprised and disdainful look, along with 'I think that's rather bad manners to talk about a person like that Mum'. She prides herself on her manners even more than her weight.

fascicle · 20/09/2019 17:19

AIBU to have told her she's being extremely fatist? She said I was being ridiculous and there's no such thing.

How can I get through to her?

She is indeed being fatist. I wonder if telling her her comments are fatist every time she makes them might actually be a way of getting through to her.

Alwaysthesun · 20/09/2019 20:47

Oh yes this is my mother also!

I feel it stems from a certain generation of women who were raised to feel their value was based entirely on their appearance. They have extremely low self worth and they just seem to have never shaken the fact that they were totally brainwashed! That a woman has more value than her beauty and her weight. Judging other women on their weight and appearance - women that are meant to be their friends - is just rife also.

My mum is extremely proud of always being very thin. She has a sister who is much larger and loves gloating when people see them together and are surprised they are sisters. I feel a little sick inside when I see this happening. To be honest my father has the same view about a woman's weight too.

I was naturally very thin until I had my daughter, but now I am overweight. They can barely hide their disapproval, but my mum isn't brave enough to say anything to me as she knows I disagree strongly with this mentality. My sister is very careful with her weight and has struggled with an eating disorder. My dad said she looked like a size 12 a few month ago and she was devastated. Why he was commenting I have no idea.

Unfortunately, as many of us have been raised this way, even though we rebel and decide we want different for our daughters and that it will not pass to another generation, you never get rid of that little voice inside that tells you that you are not good enough because of your weight.

Mammylamb · 20/09/2019 20:53

I’m thinking it’s a generational thing where women prided themselves on staying slim for their men, and also keeping the house spic and span.

I remember as an 8 year old my mum had to buy a size 14 (which is probably more akin to a size 10/12 now) and she was proper crying in the shop changing rooms.

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