AIBU? Is it like this everywhere?

[thiscouldbethehill]

First AIBU, please be gentle.

We live in a rural(ish) area about 35mins from a large town/small city.
Neither DP or I are from here.
We have a dd6 and ds9.

There are lots of positives about the area but some things are worrying me. There seem to be some pervasive attitudes that seem very backwards to me.

Most of the parents in my DC’s school are good people who love their children, however, there is an overwhelming attitude of ‘boys will be boys”, I hear so much rough or undesirable behaviour explained away in that way, and sensitive boys are “cry babies” who need to “man up”.

In my DS’ class every boy is into football and violent computer games. I do recognise that these are common things for 9 year old boys to like but surely there is usually a mix of children with different likes?
My DS likes Lego and minecraft and books and imaginative games, as a result he has no one to play with at break/lunch as literally every boy plays football every day.

I could go into it further and give more examples but I really don’t want this to be outing.

I am really bothered by this and I guess my AIBU is am I wrong to think that it is different anywhere else?

This is a genuine question as we are currently in a position to consider moving.

Thank you.

We have the same in my ds rural school. All of the boys in his class play football at break the majority of the time so ds either plays with the girls or with a boy from a different class. The odd time he will join in the football game.
TBH I think they shouldn't be allowed to play football at every break time. If they didn't always have a football they would be more inclined to play other games and mix with others aswell.

TBH I think they shouldn't be allowed to play football at every break time. If they didn't always have a football they would be more inclined to play other games and mix with others aswell.

Why shouldn’t they play the game they like during their own play time? And why is it a problem? You said yourself that your DS has the girls to play with and another boy who doesn’t like football.

Other kids aren’t obliged to do the things that your DS likes in their break time any more than he is obliged to play football.

dollydaydream114
I already answered your first question in my post.
As for your second question, I didn't say it's a problem.
And I never stated that my opinion was anything to do with my ds and who he plays with.
I didn't imply that kids should be 'obliged' to do anything but I believe it would benefit them if they explored other activities and features in the yard and mix with a wider range of children.

We are in a very urban area and it's exactly the same however my son's school have implemented a time table and each year group gets the football pitch once a week

I see it a lot too op. It puts me off our local schools and we will probably move. Fwiw we live in a pretty liberal city (in the cheap bit if that makes a difference - it probably does).

Where should we go though op? Brighton? Any ideas very welcome!

Brighton is probably a good shout! DNephew is just like the OP’s DS and really struggled with the alpha male boys at his international school (temporary expat assignment abroad and I won’t say where but it’s about as urban as it gets). He was so pleased when they moved to Brighton afterwards as he really found his people.

So the school should micro manage other kids play time to stop playing football and offer activities that suit your child?
Okaaaay ... how about he join in? Or ask around?
I do not believe he is THE only kid not playing football. He needs to look, you need to teach resilience.
The only part I think need attention is about violent video games, they creep into playgrounds as role play games and need to be discouraged.

Is it s boys school ?? Girls make great friends too

My dd plays with mainly boys. There is a boy in dds class who plays with girls more often.

I would encourage him to try and join in. There will be people doing something he likes enough.

I didn't imply that kids should be 'obliged' to do anything

You literally said 'I think they shouldn't be allowed to play football at every break time' so yes, you did - you stated outright that they should be obliged to play different games. You're entitled to that opinion, but don't pretend you didn't say it when questioned about when it's right there in black and white!

I have to say no, not in my sons school. It’s in quite an affluent middle class area and I know quite a few parents have tech and science based jobs. My son hates sports and much prefers computers, Lego, coding etc. He has a little clutch of mates who are similar. Then there are the kids that like wrestling at break and football/karate etc.

He’s only six at the moment so I know this could all change when everyone desperate to be popular. He doesn’t care less about needing to fit in or even having kids to hang out with at break. So it will be interesting to see if this changes.

He does coding outside of school so I’m hoping he might end up with some mates there. I guess all you can do is try to encourage extra curricular clubs that get him mixing with like minded children.

Strange.
There have always been geeky, awkward, thinking boys at DC's primary school. These lads either formed up gangs with like minded other boys or tagged along with the girls.

In DD's yr (she's now yr13), the 2 most cerebral (not physical at all) boys from their primary schools (they had been bullied for being like that) became THE MOST popular lads in their yr at high school.

I live in a high-ITV viewing, academic under-achieving area. No leafy suburbs here. It's a big primary school, though. 45 kids in a yr group so at least 22 boys, divided into usually 4-5 "gangs" by yr6.

We are in an urban area and my son had the same problem. No friends at school. They were football fanatics. I enrolled him in after school off-site clubs chess and karate. In summer he went to space camp and computer camps. He met kids like himself and was reassured that he was not "wierd". Eventually they all grew up into the same interest girls.

Neither DP or I are from here.
attitudes that seem very backwards to me.
people who love their children, however,
I hear so much rough or undesirable behaviour
every boy is into football and violent computer games
common things
no one to play with

consider moving.

My DS has a similar problem, he is in a small urban school with only 20 in his class. There is this game that the whole class seem to be playing and have been for months (played it all last year too) that DS hates - boys v girls he calls it. He has no one left to play with. He is a little geeky and awkward but he actually really loves sport and football.
DS has a lot of after school clubs and activities and all his friends are there. He isn’t bullied in school it’s just a shame he hasn’t found his tribe.

Xraydog my son’s school started doing a similar “boys v girls” game. It went on for months and was upsetting a few children so I spoke to the head. He spoke to the children about it the very next day. There is now no “boys v girls” game :) You don’t have to put up with that sort of stuff.

Anyway OP you sound like you have intellectual interests in a non-intellectual area and yes might be worth considering a house move. Hugs to your son. Also I do recommend the book called something like “Highly Sensitive Children” it’s very good.

I went to a very small rural primary school (think mixed age classes) where football at every break was the thing. Mine was small enough that girls and boys played to make up numbers. We probably all had a bit of a "man up" approach to life, influenced by the fact that 75% of kids would eventually farm, with all the self sacrifice that the lifestyle entails.

Again due to numbers at secondary level there were few clubs to cater for different interests but most kids found their people to hang with. And the huge plus side was that there was very little actual bullying. Some kids fit in more than others but there was no relentless tormenting of individuals. We all knew each other & each others parents. We had to live together & get along - it definitely helped prevent outright or casual cruelty.