To feel like I'll never be happy

[EasyHardGoing]

Probably outing to anyone that knows me but I'm 25 and have had 9 miscarriages in the past couple of years.

I feel like my life is going no where. I can't possibly see how I can be happy. I'm on anti depressants and whilst they have helped, I just feel like I'm floating through life.

It sound so incredibly morbid but I do feel like I wouldn't really care if I died tomorrow. I don't want to hurt myself or anything like that but if someone were to say to me 'it will happen tomorrow' I just wouldn't care. And I do feel like there wouldn't really be anyone else who'd care all that much either.

I'm angry with myself because I have a good life, a good husband, a nice home, lovely step children. I try to put on a brave face for them and I'm sure they'd probably tell you I was doing okay.

I feel like I am going to feel this way forever. I feel like I won't have anything if I never manage to have a child. It's become an almost secret obsession.

I just don't see a way out of these feelings and thoughts. I feel trapped like I can't enjoy anything else. Even fun things, holidays, hobbies, weekends away etc... I just don't care. I want so desperately the one thing I can't have and so everything else just seems inadequate.

I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry. I was unable to have children and it just seems so unfair.

I did get obsessed and saw pregnant women and people with prams everywhere, but decided that I was going to make things the best they could be for my husband and I. So we have a life which is not what we planned but is pretty damn good.

It is really tough and you have my sympathy. A huge hug from me - not very MN but who cares.

Thank you. I feel like I'm going insane to be honest. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so desperate that I just feel restless all the time.

Oh lovely, my heart is breaking for you xx
I’ve not experienced the heartache you describe to the same extent but I am a veteran when it comes to living with depression and I just wanted to say “please talk to someone”.

I understand all too well the isolation and the complete numbness that envelops you, but it will get better I promise. It’s hard to believe it when you are so low but you have so many people who love and care about you, and who probably don’t realise just how bad you are feeling and would do anything to help you.
Talk to one of them, or to your GP, or call a helpline; just please don’t suffer in silence.

And please don’t feel guilty about feeling like this; having a lovely home etc. does not mean for one second that your feelings are unjustified (for want of a better word). Be kind to yourself xx

@EasyHardGoing I know this sounds trite, but it really does get better. I wish I could make it better for you.

Have you told your partner how you feel, he may just be feeling the same. I was surprised just how devastated my husband was when we found out we could not have children.

Five, I don't mean this in a rude way but it's so hard to believe you at the moment that it will

Have you told your partner how you feel, he may just be feeling the same

I have occasionally but I am falling victim to the secret feeling that he doesn't really understand as he has children already. I feel so alone because we aren't on the same page of the book. And I feel guilty putting it all on him.

I understand all too well the isolation and the complete numbness

Thank you, this is how I feel. Just sort of numb.

I've noticed that even when I do have things going on or planned that I'm looking forward to, I'm always thinking in my head 'it will finish though, it will be over eventually and I'll be back here again afterwards'. Like holidays or whatever, I can't enjoy them because I'm constantly aware that it's going to end and I'll be back feeling like this so I can't enjoy the moment.

I do not think you are rude. I would have said the same.

If you want someone to 'talk to' please send me a message. It took me a while to come to terms with how things are, but I did. I am in NZ so on a different time zone, but I if I can help now or in the future, just message me