Crazy EXH, need advice AGAIN

[boymum9]

I'm sure people are sick of reading my threads which I've posted a few of regarding my exh (I'll link recent below and in there it links to the others)

Have I made a huge mistake? Divorce http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3683214-have-i-made-a-huge-mistake-divorce

I thought I'd got a hold on him and his behaviour and had covered all bases in being clear and honest with him and our situation. Things has actually been good recently, I read through the last comments on the post I made and it really hit home that I was sure on the decision I'd made and happy! We'd been getting on well and parenting well, clear enough boundaries (I thought) and things were going great with my new partner.

The other day he wanted to see the dc's so popped over which was completely fine, I had an appointment to go to so thought I'd use the opportunity to go child free. I was gone 40 mins, get back and he leaves. 10 minutes later 4 year old goes to me "daddy said he has two phones now", for some reason it made me think that I'd recently got an upgrade on my phone and I hadn't yet wiped my old one, went and looked and it had been moved, 4 year old continues to tell me "yes daddy's new phone is the same as yours!"

I'd changed my password months ago and thought that unless he'd managed to see me put it in at some point he wouldn't know it. Later that day he popped back to say goodnight to dcs, I asked him if he'd looked through my old phone and he said yes he had and he was very sorry and didn't know why he did it. We had a talk about this, I was obviously angry but I don't think it really hit home until I spoke to my partner about it and he is extremely angry and actually quite upset about it, he had obviously read all of our private conversations, photos etc, the things he's most upset about is the things about his work, hobby's, just day to day life things as he's an extremely private person.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to make it better, new partner has had to deal with a lot of the difficult things my ex h has done the last 6 months, to me and in his workplace and he said if one more thing happens he can't take anymore.

Sorry this was long, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help make things better with new partner, I don't know how to be clear on everything with ex h who's so manipulative and twists everything I say and I feel like I can't have a proper conversation with him!

Make contact with dc separate from your home. Set up a proper timetable not just ad hoc. If this can't be achieved get a cao via meditation or court.
He shouldn't be coming to your house anymore there needs to be strong boundaries .

Oh and having long talks about why he's done things, that's giving him undue attention.
Just don't give him any opportunity. Strong clear boundaries. Minimum hoo ha and earnest discussion- that's not your job anymore.
Your job is maintaining a healthy boundaried space to live your life, to parent

For starters, he doesn't step foot in your house any more. My ex hasn't been allowed in across the doorstep even once. (In contrast, DH ex is normal and she often comes in and we chat for ages)

And don't try and have conversations. Give him key facts and information and keep all communication to a minimum.
All the normal rules on good co parenting have to go out of the window when you have an ex like this

Yes, your mistake was forgetting what he's shown you and thinking he was a normal human being!

He can never come into your home again. What's done can't be undone, buy you can go NC except for email about child contact, and you can block him on your phone and all social media.

Change your new phone's password, too, and I'd turn off the GPS all the time you aren't actually needing to use the phone for navigating, just in case he's set it up to allow him to track you.

He has behaved like a weasel.

Thank you, it's helpful to get some straight forward advice from people away from the situation!

As others have said, he can’t be trusted so no more letting him in the house and no more long conversations about what he’s done wrong. He knows what he’s done wrong. If you want to analyse with someone about his behaviour do it with friends or on here or something.

FWIW my ex doesn’t even know my address as he can’t be trusted to respect my boundaries. Advised by social services and enforced by court. We meet at a meeting point to do handover. We have a book to write in to avoid having conversations. Might seem harsh but he is abusive and I have to put those walls up to protect us.

The problem is is that he'll say that it's his house and I can't stop him (joint names on mortgage but all of the financial side has come from him over the years)

He might own a share in the house, but you are living there. He is living elsewhere. Any arguement from him about why it is unfair just say "you know why." And refuse to discuss further. He can't come in. How close are you to getting a divorce?

Not hugely close @Brenna24 we've been separated nearly a year, so was assuming we'd wait out the two years so it made things more straight forward with the divorce and less arguments over blame, but I'm not sure that's something I can do now, I'm just really scared of the fallout from it regarding how he'll act and the guilt from him

It might be worth taking the blame to get it over with quickly and a financial settlement in place that will formalise that your house is solely yours. Getting the ball rolling with a solicitor and getting advice about this at the same time would be a good plan, even if you decided to wait for a no fault divorce.