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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared

16 replies

Fifi438 · 19/09/2019 20:56

Found out I was pregnant today with my 4th, it wasn't planned and I'm absolute petrified how I'm going to cope financially and with 4 children! My family I know will disapprove and think we're being irresponsible, and I think I'll have similar reactions from friends, my partner will be over the moon though but I haven't told him yet. I just don't know if I can go through with it and if having another baby is the right thing for us, I'm sorry if this post offends anyone, I'm so worried atm

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2019 21:01

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Perhaps you should take a couple of days to think about what you want to do before telling anyone, even your partner.

Original poster
Fifi438 · 19/09/2019 21:15

I was thinking that too, I know as soon as I tell my partner he will want to go through with it, but I don't think we should really, mainly financially. But if I didn't go through with the pregnancy I couldn't do it behind he's back,

OP posts:
Dita73 · 19/09/2019 23:54

If you took the finances out of the situation,how would you feel about the pregnancy?

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 23:57

Surely if you tell him how you feel about it then he will understand?

Onesailwait · 20/09/2019 00:23

Maybe take a few days to figure out what you want to do before you speak with Dh. At the start of this year I found out i was pregnant with a very unexpected number 4. I thought long and hard before i spoke with my Dh, while he would have very happily gone with having a 4th he totally supported my decision not to continue with the pregnancy. He would have been a great help and support but ultimately it was me that would go through another pregnancy/ birth, breastfeeding long long nights and mean takkng another break from my career which is finally back on track. There is no shame in making a decision based totally on what is best for you and only you. Best of luck OP with whatever you decide to do.

Durgasarrow · 20/09/2019 02:24

Abortion is a totally fine option.

SnowsInWater · 20/09/2019 04:14

Make whatever decision you need to, but in terms of what other people think your partner's opinion is the only one you really need to consider, not friends or family. Good luck x

SAA1519 · 20/09/2019 06:39

I'm sure you have had a sleepless night, but I hope you can get your thoughts clear over the coming days. I also think you should take time to make your own decision before speaking with your DH. Don't make the decision purely based on finances, likely you have a lot of things from your previous pregnancies and may not need to buy that much. By the time you get to number 2 you realise half the stuff you bought was for yourself and the baby didn't need or want it, most things are used for such a short time, if you don't have it pick it up second hand at a baby market to save money. There is nothing to say you can't have a baby and a career, if that is what you want, look into child care options, could you ask family for help so you can return to work? However if it's not right for you, then feel no shame in ending the pregnancy. I was unsure if I wanted my second due to complicated blended family situation, and took several days to tell DH, expecting him to not want to go through with it, however he was ecstatic, and I couldn't imagine life without my DS now. So you say he will want to continue with the pregnancy, but perhaps he won't, you may be worrying for no reason. It is your body and your choice.
I wish you courage and strength whatever you decide to do, and whatever that decision, nobody should judge, not family, not friends, not strangers! Be confident in yourself to make the right choice, write a pros and cons list if you have to. Good luck xx

AlphabetMummy · 20/09/2019 06:40

In a very similar situation! Number 4, scary as f*!!!!! Lucky we both felt the same! DH barley spoke for 2 days after I told him. We had frank and honest conversations about termination or adoption. And i think that is the best thing you can do, decide together what is best for the whole family!

Not that it helps you, but if you were curious, we are keeping the baby! Our oldest, who has Autism, thought if he left then we could keep the new baby. Took us a week to calm him down, and now were running head first into the delightful hell of 4 kids...

Good luck! Hope you find the right option for your family x

MrsCplus · 20/09/2019 11:17

I could have written this exact post a couple of years ago. Please don't make a decision based solely on finances and what other people might think. My 4th child's pregnancy was ruined because I was worried about money and the disapproval of others. When he was born something clicked and I stopped giving a toss about other people and I learnt how to be more frugal. I hes 11m now and I couldn't be happier. But saying that if your story looks different then that's fine too. Speak to your partner and talk through your fears with him. Good luck and hugs ❤️

JAlpen · 20/09/2019 11:51

Jobs come and go. Finances change. Child is for life! If you want the child and can love them, you'll find a way. Others survive on less. You can do it! Good luck!!

NameyMcNameyChangey · 20/09/2019 12:00

Hi OP

Lots of people have abortions because their family is complete but they then have an unexpected pregnancy. It's a common reason. Lots of people are saying take the finances out of it as well but I dont think it's that simple, for some people it could mean a big change in lifestyle not only for themselves but for their existing children. It must be a shock so take some time to think about how you feel. Good luck with whatever you decide

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 20/09/2019 12:02

I think you should totally disregard the opinions of friends and family. It’s absolutely up to you and your partner, what you do. 💐

bobstersmum · 20/09/2019 12:10

I was in this situation 3 yrs ago. Honestly felt like my world ended, I had 2 perfect children who were only 2 and 3, and I had only recently adjusted and felt like I was coping. However abortion was not an option I felt comfortable with. I was not happy through my whole pregnancy with the 3rd unplanned baby. But she was born and I immediately loved her. None of us can imagine life without her now, she totally completes us and I feel so guilty so feeling the way I did. You need to sit down with your partner and you family and talk this through, there is no right and wrong choice, do what is right for you.

Couchbettato · 20/09/2019 18:17

I think you should tell your partner but tell him everything. Tell him you're scared, and if aborting is on the cards, tell him that too.

This is your body and your choice. He can be as excited as he wants but first and foremost he is there to support you and your feelings.

Children aren't easy.

I swore I'd never have any, now I've got one, and I considered terminating because my sickness was causing me work stress and so on, and I love my little man to pieces now he's here. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did but I absolutely don't think how I felt was unhealthy or wrong.

Lvsel · 20/09/2019 18:21

There is nothing wrong with having an abortion if you make this choice. Dont make anyone make you feel bad for your choice it's your body

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