To ask WWYD.. 2 year old refusing to go to nursery

[babysquirrelmonkey]

I'm getting quite worried as to how we are going to handle this and looking for a bit of Mumsnet wisdom.

2.5 year old has been in nursery a few mornings a week since the age of 18 months. Always loved it and used to get excited and run around getting his shoes on to go. Now he point blank refuses to go. It's an entire morning of dragging his heels making every delay possible to get there and having a full blown tantrum about getting in the car to go.

He has been in a different room for a couple of months and he's definitely been more against going since then. Initially I thought it was just a matter of him settling but it's getting worse.

His key worker is amazing and if she's there he's happy and drags out coming home when I go to collect him but if she's not or in a different room he will go to the window and call for me and starts crying.

I feel so mean leaving him there especially because we don't use it for work purposes, just for the social interaction for him really.

I'm also not sure if there's staffing issues going on because if it's anyone other than his key worker they will not know what he's been up to when I ask and just say a very broad "been outside".

DH is suggesting moving nursery but I'm not sure if this is just a normal phase that all toddlers go through or if I should be concerned?

My DS never did this, he was always happy to go in. It sounds like your son is reacting to too much change at the nursery. He needs to have someone there who he's bonded with so that he feels secure going.

Its just a phase. He is experimenting with how much power and control he has, and how much tantrumming will get him his own way. You need to be firm. Make sure he is safe and well cared for and beyond that the answer to his experimental enquiries needs to be "nope. There is no amount of fuss or trantrum that will get anything to change in this circumstance."

My 2.5 month old DD is exactly the same at the moment. She’s very clingy to me generally, and just generally resistant to any activity that is time pressured. Leaving the house takes a good 40 minutes some days!

Does your DS have a secondary key worker? My DD has two and it makes all the difference - one of them is always there to peel her off my leg and distract her with her favourite activity! I would definitely ask nursery if they could help you out with this issue, there should always be someone who can tell you how he’s been over the course of his time there.

This is the problem with key workers building attachments with only their key children.
The whole room team need to be making relationships with all the children because this is exactly what happens when the key person isn’t on shift- the child can’t cope because they’ve become attached to only one adult.

Both of mine went through phases like this, both times when they moved from the under-2s to the pre-school room. Is he happy when you pick him up, and do nursery day he’s had a good day? If yes then I wouldn’t worry, it will pass. If he’s unhappy during the day as well and not joining in with play etc then I would consider looking for a different setting.

So long as you're sure he's happy, safe and well-looked after at nursery, keep taking him. He needs to learn that tantrums and strops won't get him his own way. You are the parent and you make those decisions. Changing nurseries won't help anything.

If you suspect there may be an actual reason for the unwillingness, that's different.

Dont give into him he will be fine. Youre` life will be hard if he gets his own way.
Hope all turns out fine though.

So he's been like this for a couple of months? How is he when you collect him? If it continues and you don't need to use the nursery for work purposes, I'd take him out tbh. If it's "me time" you want, how about reducing the sessions so you can still fit in some stuff for you?
If he's really upset then he won't be getting much out of nursery and a lot of toddlers are happy to socialise only with their mothers. I put my 3.5 year old in nursery once he started going on about making friends. We still went to groups before this of course.

I can't work out if I'm being too soft (I'm weak whenever he looks sad) or of its justified because his mood after nursery isn't great. I kept him off on Tuesday because he got so worked up about going and he was in the best mood and impeccably behaved all day.

A few of the staff in his new room do seem a bit more grumpy to be honest and the ones in his old room are very smiley, cuddly and encouraging towards all the children.

Little things like he keeps having accidents whenever at nursery which I appreciate, they get distracted and he forgot to ask to go to the toilet but when his key worker is in he has no accidents and she'll always make sure he goes before I pick him up. The other day I forgot to ask because I'm used to her making sure he's been and he wet himself in the car.

Things like the above really that are niggling me.

Thanks for the replies

Ask for a meeting with his key worker to discuss your concerns, It may be that he puts on a bit of a show for you and then is fine once you’re gone.
We have a couple of children who do this at my nursery, big tears and and making lots of noise then literally 2 minutes after the parent has left they’re happily playing and absolutely fine.

I think you absolutely should go in and ask for a meeting in that case, the care should remain consistent as he moves up through the nursery, not she same but should still be about meeting his needs.

Don't send him if you don't need to. He's tiny, it's not giving into him, he is unhappy and there is no need for him to be there. Go to baby groups for social time have a break from nursery and try somewhere else next year.
Honestly it's not spoiling or indulging him, he's not going to learn school is optional, he can't understand why he has to be left there. They are small for such a short period of time.

I agree @Crockof. Unless he is in fact ok like @Fookinwot suggests then it seems pointless to send him If he's not benefiting from it. My DS cried at first about going to nursery but his key worker says he's always been fine and happy as soon as I left.

What happens when he gets there? Is there something for him to do straight away, or is it all a bit chaotic? My daughter struggles with any kind of unstructured play time, and we have always had a lot of problems with drop off times. Things that have helped her are having someone to meet her, and take her away for an activity straight away, and knowing exactly what she is supposed to do in the morning and it being the same thing every day. Some children need more structure than others and struggle when things don't go in a predictable way.

I agree with Crockof. Take him to playgroups for social interaction. Don’t force him to go somewhere he hates. I don’t think you are ‘giving in to him’. He is clearly unhappy and communicating that to you - and this is new behaviour. Give him a while to get a little older and start him at a different pre-school next September.