Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to someone?

32 replies

Hcisab · 18/09/2019 20:15

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes..

For context, my brother has autism and it's been very hard with him. I often feel protective because he has had such a hard life with bullying amongst other things.

So my Sil was over today visiting as I have an 12 weeks old DS. There was a loud noise and DS startled and started crying (for about 10 seconds) so I comforted him and he was fine. I then started telling Sil that he's just started to become overwhelmed by things and loud noises, lots of people ect can sometimes upset him if hes tired. She then says 'Oh god, hopefully he's not autistic' I couldn't really believe it and came back with something like 'wow, what a thing to say' and unintentionally gave a horrified look.

She is a very blunt person so I usually look past things she says as it's easier but because of my brother I couldn't quite brush this one off. I do realise this probably makes me more sensitive in this situation but I was shocked she said it.

Fwiw I'm obviously not worried about him having autism and it's probably too early to tell anyway.

So aibu in being shocked she said that to me?

OP posts:
unmumsymumof2 · 18/09/2019 20:17

Some people really have no filter Hmm

Elodie2019 · 18/09/2019 20:18

Your SIL is an idiot. Don't give her another thought.

5zeds · 18/09/2019 20:23

Horrible.

Ignore her, and enjoy your lovely baby.

fedup21 · 18/09/2019 20:24

Is this your brother’s wife?

EmmiJay · 18/09/2019 20:24

She's a numpty. Tell her to read a book or two.

Original poster
Hcisab · 18/09/2019 20:25

@fedup21 no it's my husband's sister

OP posts:
Original poster
Hcisab · 18/09/2019 20:28

I think she saw the look on my face and started to back track by saying oh you know how autistic people get overwhelmed. I felt like say, um, yes I do actually, I fucking grew up with it! I refrained and just said yes so do babies.

OP posts:
eladen · 18/09/2019 20:31

You're a human. You experienced emotions in response to somebody saying something shitty. For some reason you tried to hide that.

Why didn't you say anything? You're not required to behave like a robot you know.

Myriade · 18/09/2019 20:48

You are not over reacting. This comment was disablist and absolutely not acceptable.
The look on your face probably said it all if she backtracked like that but I don’t think I would have been as neutral as you have.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 18/09/2019 20:58

You said how hard it’s been for your brother to have autism and bullying why would you want any disability on a child ? so surely it would be “Hopefully he hasn’t got it” is what you would want??

Original poster
Hcisab · 18/09/2019 21:02

Glad I'm not overreacting, I honestly wasn't sure as it's an emotive subject for me.

Maybe I should have said more but in the moment I was just shocked. Yes, I think the look on my face said a lot, I couldn't hide that.

OP posts:
LittleLostThing · 18/09/2019 21:06

My ds1 is autistic. I said to many people that I hoped ds2 wasn’t autistic. Having autism makes their life an awful lot more difficult to navigate in all sorts of ways. I don’t think it’s outrageous to want your child to have an easy life as possible. Badly worded perhaps, but I don’t think your sil was being disablist as such.

Savingforarainyday · 18/09/2019 21:06

Jesus... maybe she just blurted something out, and regretted it?
You yourself said things were hard with your brother, due to having autism- perhaps she meant it as a wish that your son has an easier path.

Honestly- sometimes people just say stupid shit that has come out wrong.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/09/2019 21:08

Yanbu. I can be very blunt too, but I don't use this as a cover to be patently rude and indeed ableist. I think you should start calling her out more often if she has form for just saying whatever is on her mind with no consideration for others.

PeoplesPoet · 18/09/2019 21:11

She sounds like she has no common sense at all. Such a ridiculous thing to say Confused

m0therofdragons · 18/09/2019 21:12

When dtds hit 4 months I said "I'm so relieved to get past this point" as my own twin sister died at 16 weeks of SIDS. Friend replied "oh no SIDS can happen for way longer than 4 months".

Logically I know this is accurate although the risk lessens but mentally I felt happier my dtds had gone beyond dsis age. Reminding me my dc could still die was rather unwelcome.

NearlyGranny · 18/09/2019 21:14

Ooh, that was thoughtless! Your comeback was ace, though: "So do babies." Spot on!

I expect she went home screaming inwardly at her own lack of tact. Does she normally tromp around on everyone's feelings in size 13 boots, or is this a one-off?!

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 18/09/2019 21:21

I don't think she meant it the way you've taken it tbh.
Living with autism is hard, for the people around them, yes but even more for the person with it. She was just expressing that she hopes your DS doesn't have to struggle with it the way your brother did.

dollydaydream114 · 18/09/2019 21:22

You're a human. You experienced emotions in response to somebody saying something shitty. For some reason you tried to hide that.

Why didn't you say anything?

Because she’s got manners and social skills, knows when sometimes a confrontation isn’t worth the effort, and knows how to behave like an adult and be the better person?

Tabitha005 · 18/09/2019 21:30

Maybe your SIL is autistic? She doesn't seem to have much of a filter judging by that comment. Rude cow. Ignore her and enjoy your new motherhood.

Original poster
Hcisab · 18/09/2019 21:30

Of course I don't want my DS to have autism, that's obvious. From a very young age I would get upset at the thought of my own children having the same disability as my brother and having to go through all the same things. As horrible as it is, I struggled with that thought for a long time and maybe this played part in why it upset me.

I agree it was probably a blurted out comment that wasn't meant to offend but the way she said it wasn't with empathy. Yes she has form of this, I do call her out whilst also keeping the peace.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 18/09/2019 21:37

Fgs, she’s an idiot and knows nothing about babies. I grew up with loads and time after time, I’ve seen them flinch and cry at loud noises, perfectly normal, ime.

23Squared · 18/09/2019 21:44

I know how you feel. My mother said about to my sister when we found out she was having a boy.. oh hopefully he doesn't turn out like . Hmm
DS was later dx with ADHD and ASD. (after the comment but it still stung like hell and I have never forgotten it!)

Loveislandaddict · 18/09/2019 21:45

Ithink it was a clumsy way of saying that she hopes he isn’t austistic, as it’s an easier life for him (and you). I don’t think she was nessarily being disablist, but wishing the best health for your baby (not saying autism is unhealthy).

I’m also a blurted, and have learnt that so done can say xyz and it sounds caring, and I can say the same things and it sounds rude.

leli · 18/09/2019 21:46

Hi, what a shame poor you. Could Sil be jealous? When I had my daughter (quite a while ago - I'm an older mum) my best friend called round, looked at daughter's upwards slanted eyes (dad's Eastern European) and said "she's obviously Downs Syndrome, get her tested". Leaving aside the issue that Downs Syndrome babies are much loved and much wanted, I think that worrying any new parent about their baby is unforgivable. Within a year former best friend had a baby too and was sweetness and light about mine. I haven't forgotten though!