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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting kids ‘hang around’

27 replies

Jinxed2 · 18/09/2019 20:08

My son has just started secondary school. During the summer I would let him go to meet friends during the day to either ride their bikes or go into town (we live in a small market town) and sometimes early evening. This was not a daily thing, more once or twice a week. Some of his friends were out all the time and are allowed to go to an area with skating ramps etc, however I don’t allow my son there as I have heard bad things about older teenagers taking drugs there etc.

Now that he has started his new school and already getting quite a bit of homework, I either pick him up or he walks home. A lot of his friends immediately go from school to hanging around. Tonight on my way home from the supermarket I spotted a group of them with scooters. It was just before 7pm. Some of his best friends were there. I’m torn between not wanting him hanging around, but also not wanting missing out on social situations when he’s just started a new school. I’m probably overthinking it all as my son hasn’t mentioned going out in the evenings.

I just really wanted to know whether I am in the minority? I am friendly with a couple of these kid’s mums and they are of the “oh well if they don’t do their homework they’ll get detention” thinking. Whereas I ask him what homework he has and guide him through if he is struggling.

OP posts:

ariamontgomery · 18/09/2019 20:41

I’d give him more freedom - at least compromise so he can do a bit of both - or you’ll risk alienating him from his friends and making him feel embarrassed and left out. Over strict parents often end up with kids who just lie to them to do what they want to do behind their parents backs.

m0therofdragons · 18/09/2019 20:46

Dd is year 7 and I've decided that some parents boundaries are different to mine. Dd knows this, that she's my eldest so my guinea pig and I need to ensure she's safe. I let her go to the park with a friend but not the park right by school (where the big kids hang out) and only for half an hour. I know others get more freedom and some get less.

I go with my gut and if I'm not happy about it then it's a no. It's term one and I think by the end of the year it will change when it's light nights and she's 12, settled into her new normal, but right now I'm not letting go to that level and that's fine.

Kitsandkids · 18/09/2019 20:46

If he’s not asking to go out I wouldn’t overthink it and definitely wouldn’t suggest it to him. My eldest has just started Year 7 and I’m hoping for his sake that his social life picks up as he’s getting older but I won’t be letting him go out just to hang around. Go to McDonald’s, go to the cinema, go to play football all fine. But there needs to be a plan of actually doing something.

user1474894224 · 18/09/2019 20:56

My son is also year 7 and walks to and from school alone. He has stayed for a club one night. Been to a local youth club another night (it's right by us and the kids from the street go), and been to the park with kids from the street. (like your son in the summer holiday he was allowed on his bike to meet school friends). I wouldn't want him hanging around the streets with new friends - although he is welcome to invite them home to play FIFA for example. Otherwise they can go to an club at school together. We have to let them go a bit....but if he hasn't asked it may not be an issue.

Original poster

Jinxed2 · 18/09/2019 20:58

I have an older daughter and her friends are from out of town, so this is new to me. I don’t mind him going for a kickabout but really don’t want him on the skatepark. He seems happy playing on the Xbox, but I am aware it’s a crucial time for making (and keeping) friends.

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 18/09/2019 21:33

really don’t want him on the skatepark. He seems happy playing on the Xbox

I’d much rather a kid was skateboarding than playing XBox every night. At least skateboarding or messing around on scooters is something active and outdoors.

There are always rumours about ‘older kids doing drugs’ at any location that kids like to congregate but they’re often just that - rumours. My nephews go to a skate park and post endless videos of them and their friends performing moderately inept stunts.

m0therofdragons · 18/09/2019 21:35

We're in a nice area but skate park = young people smoking, drinking and swearing. I prefer Xbox at home to that.

Dd has started going to a youth club on Friday nights and goes to guides so I'm hoping that's enough social life for now.

paintedfences · 18/09/2019 21:40

We're in a nice area but skate park = young people smoking, drinking and swearing. I prefer Xbox at home to that.

Oh for god's sake.

Original poster

Jinxed2 · 18/09/2019 23:15

They aren’t rumours, local police post about it on social media. Also been several accidents requiring air ambulance. He doesn’t like skating or stunt scooting anyway. Prefers his bike. He gets plenty of exercise playing football and training.

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 18/09/2019 23:20

I think you should relax a bit. I do understand your worries....but this is the time they learn about managing themselves. Perhaps let him go a couple of times a week but just for an hour or two. Not till 8 at night.

My DD is 15 and it's only in the last year that she's been going out after school to hang out at a local cafe...we're in Australia so it is different I'm aware...she and her mates go to the local surf club and have a coffee by the beach. I know there are boys there too and they're all showing off for each other...I was unsure at first...but you've got to let them hang out with their friends.

Pinkypurple35 · 18/09/2019 23:28

My DS still does lots of sports (on purpose) and goes to a gym, so he’s active, but he plays on Xbox online with friends in the house.
The kids who hang about near me are always in trouble, setting fires in bins, and gangs of 30 kids hanging around supermarkets being a nuisance, His mates who from school who hang out vape too, so I prefer if he doesn’t do that tbh.

Itsreallymehonest · 19/09/2019 07:27

I'm admittedly very strict, but my attitude is weekdays are for clubs and homework, weekends are for relaxing with friends.

user1493413286 · 19/09/2019 07:33

I’d be letting him go a couple of nights a week on the basis that he does his homework and it’ll stop if he doesn’t do homework. It’s a tricky one but better for his social skills and friendships than the x box

LL83 · 19/09/2019 07:36

I think you have to give him a bit more freedom and trust he will do the right thing. Also he needs some responsibility for his own homework.

CherryPavlova · 19/09/2019 07:37

Mine were never allowed to ‘hang around’. It is a recipe for trouble. Unsupervised large numbers of children will get into mischief. Sometimes it’s just high jinx but often tips into delinquency.
I firmly believe parents have a responsibility for knowing where their children are and who they are with.
Mine did activities, homework, music practice, had friends around to the house or went to friends houses but there was no ‘hanging around’. At weekends they could arrange to go to the cinema or play tennis with friends but there was a purpose and clear boundaries.

justheretostalk · 19/09/2019 07:39

I do not allow my teenager to just “hang around”, no. We live in an incredibly low socioeconomic area where drugs and crime are rife, especially at the local skate park.

I don’t even let her hang around at the local shopping centre. If she wants to go to the shops with her friends she has to go to a different one.

OtraCosaMariposa · 19/09/2019 07:40

My kids aren't allowed to "hang around" either. I have no problem going into town shopping, or to the cinema, or to other people's houses. As long as they have a plan. Aimless wandering is not allowed.

We also have no problem in the kids (aged between 11 and 17) bringing friends home. So many people on MN seem to have very odd ideas about not liking people in their homes, even friends of their children. Personally I'd rather have DS and his friends playing dungeons and dragons in the dining room and DD and her friends making silly music videos in her room than have them hanging around on street corners.

m0therofdragons · 19/09/2019 07:43

@paintedfences what? Because I don't want to knowingly expose an 11 year old to that? It's next to the park so I was there with younger dc and they wanted to take their scooters over and we saw the behaviour.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/09/2019 07:44

I'd relax for a month until the colder weather arrives.
Social and friendships are a huge part of education too.
He can knuckle down by Halloween.

lyralalala · 19/09/2019 07:47

I think kids need some freedom to be able to learn and grow - they don't learn how to judge situations if they are home 24/7.

I was hardly allowed to go anywhere until I was 16. My Grandparents were incredibly over protective. Then when I was 16 because I had a job and was considering leaving school I was treated like an adult. Allowed to do whatever I wanted. I was absolutely clueless. First time I went out with workmates I was completely out of my depth because I hadn't had to deal with people on my own ever.

I am seen as weird by quite a lot of parents locally (mostly ones that don't know me well). I give my kids a lot of freedom (age appropriate), but I'm also incredibly strict. So they were allowed to go to the skatepark, but know if they come in smelling of smoke or booze or are seen mixing with the crowd causing trouble then that was the end of that. I think hanging around with friends is important, so they do sometimes hang at the park etc, but equally my house is also the hangout place for most of them. I think making it welcoming rather than insisting on it made for a better atmosphere as well as it was their choice rather than not being allowed. So they get more freedom, but if mine get grounded then they're grounded - no mates in, no cutting of the duration etc. With freedom comes responsibility.

You just have to go with your gut imo - we're all basically making it up as we go along and just hoping we get it right.

PEkithelp · 19/09/2019 07:50

Hmmm, I think at this age you need to carefully and purposely be releasing the leash. So I wouldn’t be banning him, I’d be sitting down with him and looking at the facts - lots if homework, likely drug use in park, friends etc and see what he thinks and what boundaries you both agree are reasonable. He may not want to go to the skatepark or he may (likely!) already have been exposed to kids taking drugs.
I had similar experiences growing up and never so much smoked, let alone drugs. Environment is important but it’s not everything. Kids inner values and their parents support help children to make good choices wherever they are. He could well have seen drug use in school (I certainly did in my otherwise good school).

BogglesGoggles · 19/09/2019 07:50

Nobody did this except on a Friday night (at an older age) when I was at school. Our mothers didn’t have to tell us to do our homework either.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 19/09/2019 07:52

No way would I encourage my child to hang around aimlessly during the evening, in town with teenagers that I didn’t know. I would encourage him to invite friends to the house if he wanted that, make sure his homework is done properly and get him busy with sports if he has time on his hands. Pre teen and teenage years are critical for setting the stage for his adult years and getting in with the wrong crowd at this point could screw up his future.

YoungMummy94 · 19/09/2019 07:58

A bit of freedom is fine - i.e. 1-2 nights a week or even if it's weekends only. However I strongly believe that education has to come first. At that age friends come and go!

AJPTaylor · 19/09/2019 08:05

Be lead by him. If he hasn't asked, don't worry about it. He isn't ready for it or doesn't want it. Year 7s esp boys vary from looking about 8 to 14. In a few weeks it will be dark in the evenings. By Spring he will be that bit older/have different friends. Revisit it when he asks.

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