We struggled to conceive DD and have since decided that we don't want to go through all of that again and are happy with one DC. I haven't told anyone how I felt in the first few months of being a mum so this is to get it all wrote down and a bit of a vent to make myself feel better so it's not strictly an AIBU so feel free not to read on or you can tell me if you think I WBU to feel like I did and not to seek help.
I really struggled but I didn't feel like I was allowed to. I wanted to be a mum so much and was desperate to see the BFP and then to finally hold my baby in my arms. I kept telling myself that I wasn't allowed to feel down when my baby was here because this is what I wanted more than anything. I knew my life would change but I still struggled with it. Nothing could have properly prepared me for how difficult and raw it all was when she arrived.
It didn't make things any easier when I found out that someone I knew at school was going through IVF with donor sperm because she was desperate for a baby and it had failed multiple times. I only found out after I posted my scan photo on social media and saw some comments she had made on her page after I posted it. Things like "I'm fed up of seeing other people with what I want", "I just want the chance to a mum" and "I hope you all know just how lucky you are" amongst other comments.
It made me feel so guilty when I sat crying with my baby because I couldn't cope and couldn't leave the house but didn't think I had the right to feel like that. I put on a good front and everyone thought I was coping beautifully as a FTM.
I know lots of women have struggled like I have to get pregnant and are still struggling now. I count my blessings to have my DD here safe and healthy. Thankfully I'm past feeling like a complete failure and just struggle with normal amounts of 'mum guilt'.
To any mum or dad that is feeling like I did then please talk to someone because now I think I was being completely unreasonable and I wish I had asked for help when I needed it.