Are my children "ungifted"?

[Puzzledbyart]

Please be kind, it is a stupid thread, but it does nag me somewhere deeply inside.

Just audited my friendship circle's offspring (children ranging in age from 2 to 12), and it looks like all of them have some special "superpower" in terms of abilities / interests. There's a fully fluent reader at 3y.o. A child aged 9 with highest grades in two musical instruments + a chorister at a famous choir. A sportsman competing at the national level. A math whizz, who is attending classes in secondary school now as he is way way ahead of the primary curriculum. A trilingual child, fully proficient at a native speaker level in all three languages. And everyone, just everyone seems to have their children on the "gifted and talented" register at school.

My children are 4 and 5, and are distinctly average in everything. Most of the time I am counting my lucky stars that they are just healthy and happy, but there are occasional days of doubt when I feel like I failed them in everything. Well, like today, when we had a playdate with a young friend similar to my oldest in age (5), and she created a comic book with a clear and engaging storyline, beautiful art and not a single spelling mistake, including expressions like "conifer trees" and "butterfly".

AIBU to ask you if you think that some children can be just naturally average, and there's no amount of effort that can make them excel at anything? Or did I miss something in their upbringing terribly?

[Fuzzyspringroll]

DS will be bilingual by default. We live abroad.
However, his speech seems far behind that of the other kids in his nursery class at the moment. He's the youngest in the group, which doesn't help with the comparison, and I can hear the new words he keeps picking up. However, he shares his food, his toys and is the first to go over and give someone a hug when he sees they are upset. At 2.5, I don't think that's too bad and I'd rather have a kind and loving child instead of someone, who lacks compassion or interest in others around him for the sake of being terribly clever.

I have several highly gifted children in my class and they are often hard work. I'm quite glad I'm not their parent and can hand them back at the end of the day. Doesn't mean that I don't like them but quite a few of them are full on nonstop. They are also often very self-centered and don't seem to understand that others around them might have a different point of view.

[00100001]

Well if a 9 yonis grade 8 in TWO instruments and a chorister, that's great... But at what cost?

All their spare time will have been doing music practice, music practice and a bit more music practice....

Sounds a fucking boring way to spend a childhood.

[NightWakings]

Nissan has saved me writing a long post. I have had the same experience, expect my eldest is extremely gifted, and almost certainly has ASD (which wasn't obvious until he was quite old). Life is hard for him - he doesn't get much benefit now from having been a precocious toddler. My younger children are more average, and happy, and have lovely friends. I'd choose average for my children any day the week.

[mummmy2017]

I know money helps.
Someone's DD is competing for UK at a very expensive sport, the six children in her area beat her times but can afford to be on the teams.

[BertieBotts]

Oh yes god it's a fucking awful curse to peak too soon. I feel like my intellectual peak happened at primary school. My whole school life all everyone went on about was my potential, all the things I would do, to the point that I feel such massive anxiety when meeting anyone vaguely related to my childhood because I just know they will be massively disappointed to see that I have achieved the grand sum of fuck all. OK, they probably don't think this at all or care, but I feel it. I carry it around all the time and find it such a painful and dragging weight to the point that it doesn't actually let me enjoy and celebrate any of the things I have achieved because in my head they "don't count" compared to the things I think I'm supposed to have done

Your children sound lovely. Let them be children and enjoy that and they will find their strengths in their own time and blossom into them.

[mummmy2017]

Can't afford to be on the teams.

[Blueshadow]

Being average and happy is a truly good and lovely thing to be. It’s what society is mostly made from, in any case. I don’t think we celebrate average nearly enough. It’s plenty, it’s fine, it’s complete as it is. I am sure your children are lovely and interesting in their own sweet way. Maybe when they get older they will find something they especially love doing - there’s a whole fascinating world out there to enjoy.

[ohdearmymistake]

Except tantrums Those were spectacular

That made me properly laugh, mine was the same.

At primary school there was one girl top of everything way above the others, at secondary it went down hill for her as the others caught up and over took.

Don't worry.

[Bookworm4]

Just audited my friendship circle's offspring seriously? 🙄😉

[MyCatsHat]

By definition, some people have to be average or below in their on-paper achievements and abilities. We can’t all be at the top. And kids are constantly having to basically compete and be ranked and compared, because of how education settings work, even nursery.

I do know how you feel op - I remember the horrible anxious feeling when my oldest was about 4 and suddenly all our friends children were reading, drawing realistic houses, swimming, riding bikes and being in sports clubs. Mine was... not. And so it continued at school.

I was very academic at school and naively assumed my DC would just take after me. I was really worried. It turned out my first DC is dyslexic and the second is not officially dyslexic but has always found reading and spelling very hard. They are not good at sporty things either.

But as time goes on, they find things they love and are good at, their passions and interests, like art and computers. They are quirky, funny, kind and loving kids and great company. They have to try hard and don’t know what it’s like to coast and find schoolwork easy. They have learned to cope with not being top of the class,, but they also get more excitement and enjoyment when they do well or find things they love.

It’s been really good for me I think - i’ve learned a lot about what really matters and have understood how narrow my experience was. I’ve encountered other parents comparing their kids reading scheme levels and bitching about the less high-achieving kids. Yes really. And I’m happy i’ve never been part of that and instead was just cheering when they finished a book or genuinely thrilled when they got 6/10 in a spelling test - because that reflected a lot of hard work and improvement.

I’m not just saying it’s not just academic ability and school performance that matters, to try to be reassuring - I really believe it now. Nurture and treasure your DC and have every kind of fun with them, and just let them take their time to find their interests. That’s got to be a happier, better childhood and preparation for life than being a top-scoring star (especially if hothoused into it) and being valued for that instead of inherently for who you are.

[missanony]

Mine are average too but so am I and I’m happy and successful enough

[happycamper11]

Gosh you've written of a lot of potential talents for 4 and 5. It's a little too early to know if they are good at chess and most 4 year olds aren't the right shape or have developed enough coordination to be top class swimmers. I was talking to a school mum (Eastern European) at a 6pm class who's 5 year old dd had been sat at a table doing maths and English from the end of school til she left for this class. She is disappointed at her reading level and it wouldn't be accepted in her country. Her DD is in a group all on her own as she's so far ahead of the other dc. I doubt she has as much fun as my average dc. (Who are amazing socially, perhaps that's their talent)

[OhTheRoses]

DD was the kindest sweetest child who just scraped second top table at primary. She wasn't especially good at all the things KS1 and 2 seem to attach huge importance to. Art, games/pe, dance - reasonable singer, reasonable flautist.

There were dc who aced it at 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15,16. DD plodded, kept up her music, got goodly but not outstanding GCSE's (3 A, 7A, 2B). Some of the dc swept 12 As.

They are at good uni's: York, Leeds, Durham, Warwick.

DD dropped 5 UMS points at A'Level and got grade 8 distinction. Slow burn and maturity. She is at cambridge - we always felt she struggled a bit.

Diagnosis of ADHD at at a bloody fantastic 6th form with exquisite pastoral care nailed it.

Very happy to publicise: wimbledon high school absolutely bloody fantastic!

[MsTSwift]

Maybe send them back op and ask for an upgrade?
You need more chilled out normal (less pushy / boastful) friends!

[Wiltshirelass2019]

We all ‘peak’ at different ages. Your children might be super amazing adults 😊 the genius children now might become crack heads for all you know.

[WhyBirdStop]

DB was a very talented athlete and rugby player, national youth teams etc, not he's a bit tubby, he peaked earliest than others and by 15/16 he was good but there were better. I do wonder if my parents had shed loads of money and he had lots more private coaching, a nutritionist etc like some of the others would be have made it, then I think about Wayne Rooney and realise that talent of a certain kind is innate not bought.

[WhyBirdStop]

@Wiltshirelass2019 😂

[SarahAndQuack]

Agree with others saying your attitude sounds healthy and sensible. My parents were terribly invested in the idea of academic achievement. My older brother was genuinely precocious - a fluent reader aged 3 (Narnia books, apparently, which is not the Times, but pretty advanced), a maths whizz, etc. etc. My younger brother and I were the dim ones - dyslexics who took ages to learn to read.

My older brother is, by some measures, a 'success'. He's a mathematician with a good job at a good university; he has three bright children. But he's also someone who has blanked out almost all of his memories of childhood, who struggles to form relationships, and who has little ability to cope with life (especially failure) or with his own children.

It is appallingly stressful to grow up thinking you always have to be 'first' or 'best,' that you must always show how advanced and clever you are. I had a taste of it from my parents, and it wasn't good, and I can see how bad the full dose was by looking at my brother.

[PeoplesPoet]

In so many cases it just phases out, and you'll hear "He/She used to be soooo good at such and such, I really thought they'd become a "whatever"...

My 7 year old, when he in Nursery at 3 - and one of the youngest there, could read at the level expected from him now in Year 3. It's not got him anywhere! he just aces the spelling/reading tests, but so do plenty of others in his year! he doesn't even particularly "like" to read, which I can't understand because it's all I did at his age!

Also when he was 3/4 his maths ability had teachers all "Oh wow he's a little human calculator!" and he was counting to 100 in a different language in Reception.. but he's no where near secondary school level now. No mention of higher level work by his teacher. He just had a headstart because was very interested in learning when he was little. It's all leveled out now.

My 3 year old little Mr is very talented at running off and screaming. My god he'd pass the horror film audition every time.

[Happygilmorelove]

Oh op I totally know what you mean. Any chance you live in the London borough of Richmond atall? Every other kid here seems to have a "talent!"

[Drabarni]

OP, I have had a gifted child and two normal children.
I can tell you which two have given me the least trouble, have been easiest to raise.
I love them all the same and dearly, they all have their good and bad points.
I'm most proud of the comments I used to receive when they were little about how well mannered and sociable they were. Being able to take them out and them behave was something to aspire to.

Your kids sound normal to me, and I do know that the child you refer to who is so good at music will have practised for hours with lots of parental input. You don't know this child will be happy.

[FlowerBasket]

I was talented in a musical instrument, so I would probably have counted as one of your friends' children types.

However. I was forced to play it, I didn't choose to do it, I'd rather have been playing outside/reading/drawing etc. I was a compliant child with a fairly insistent mother.

I personally am more impressed with those who have almost feckless parents who take zero interest or encouragement in their DC's skills/talents etc and the DCs still turn out very proficient/talented in something.

Even more so, my DCs can be perfectly lovely and pleasant but occasionally in company or on occasion are sullen or not chatty, and I have to encourage the positive communication. I am always envious of other peoples' DCs who "play the game" ie chat nicely with strangers/about boring stuff etc even if they don't feel like it and are keen to impress other people. My DCs are always polite, but if they don't want to "chat" or engage beyond a certain point, and the wind is blowing a certain way, then they don't and nothing can make them.

[minababelina]

Your children are too young for that sort of assessment. And it seems to say more about you, your anxieties than about them. A trilingual child normally has parents speaking to them in their own language and this requires so much effort! Much easier to speak English (unless they can’t). So to say a trilingual child is gifted is not necessarily correct. The parents tend to be quite driven. I’d say the same about music. It requires some level of talent and interest from the child, but so much effort from parents... I also don’t believe much in this idea they need to find something they are really passionate about, as if this would lit an eternal fire. They change their minds and will probably not be good at anything if they keep giving up. They don’t need to be forced to do forever the first thing they try but maybe insisting on some “essentials” could be good. Maybe two sports, one instrument, whatever makes sense for you and appeals to them.

[PeoplesPoet]

Being average and happy is a truly good and lovely thing to be. It’s what society is mostly made from, in any case. I don’t think we celebrate average nearly enough. It’s plenty, it’s fine, it’s complete as it is. I am sure your children are lovely and interesting in their own sweet way. Maybe when they get older they will find something they especially love doing - there’s a whole fascinating world out there to enjoy.

I love this. Great post.

It makes me sad to think of all the "special talented kids" that are made to compete against the other "special talented kids" where they don't feel/look quite as "special and talented" anymore, and maybe a bit more "average" and they're pushed and pushed to get to the "special and talented" level again and have so much expectation on them, at such young ages too. This as well as school to deal with. This kind of stuff ruins childhoods.

I think to some of these kids average and happy at school and plodding along in their own sweet way would sound like bliss...

[DrCoconut]

When I was younger our neighbour claimed her toddler could read. As an example she brought out a story book which he duly amazed everyone by getting word perfect. My mum who was a primary teacher smelled bullshit and later on when the child brought the book to show her asked him what it said, starting at a random page. He didn't know. My mum didn't upset him or anything, just carried on talking about the pictures and how good the story was. Turned out he had memorised the story. His mum admitted she pressured him into it but considered knowing what the book said and being able to read as the same thing at that age The poor child was hot housed and pushed right to university, at which point he went very low contact with his parents, rented a flat and got a really average job.