Insult to injury

[Marzipane]

Long, boring story but after years of struggle I've recently found I can't/won't ever conceive and IVF isn't an option. That's that.

Luckily, I'm a naturally very positive person and I believe in focusing on what you have rather than what you haven't. Life isn't always fair, and bad things happen to good people - and infertility is something I'm coming to terms with. I'm in counselling and have a wonderful DH, we have a good life and I have hope in the future about adoption/fostering when/if we take that path.

I have never had an issue with friends or family members announcing pregnancies. I feel an initial pang but then it's over-ridden with happiness for the couple. I love attending baby showers, choosing kid's presents and having baby cuddles. I support friends throughout pregnancies with sympathy and homemade cake.

One friend in particular I felt close enough to confide in, telling her I now know for sure that I can't have DC. She's known our struggle and has always championed hope, saying 'it'll happen!' etc.

Since I told her, she's been distant. Cancelling plans, avoiding making new ones. I phoned her and asked her if everything was okay, as this was unusual. She got upset on the phone and said she felt really uncomfortable meeting up now (I always go to her house as her daughter is a toddler and likes being home) as she is uncomfortable with me 'seeing what I can never have'.

AIBU to think this isn't her decision to make? I adore spending time with kids. I'm not jealous or bitter, because I'd never want to take away anyone else's happiness. Would other parents feel like this? I feel very hurt.

Gosh sorry that was longer than intended

In all honestly Id probably be a little uncertain about overly taking about my child or arranging days that involve my child initially after the news- but equally I would take the lead from my friend. If they were comfortable enough to be around children I would soon act normally again, I certainly wouldn't cancel plans.

I think you explain to her that you are absolutely fine to be around her child and meet/speak as normal. If she doesnt snap back to normal then Id say shes a rubbish friend at that point.

Don't apologise, and don't beat yourself up over feeling hurt; this friendship has obviously been a meaningful one and your friend is currently behaving like an arse. Only you can decide if she's worth holding on to and working through this, but it's pretty rude of her to assume how you feel and you'd be within your rights to give her a bit of a kick up the arse for this, or even let the friendship go entirely.

As an aside, you are incredible. I know we don't do 'soft' on MN and this is breaking protocol but hugs to you.x

Yanbu. She is acting very strange, can you ask her she is probably upset for you.
You do sound like a truly positive person, good luck on your journey.

She messed up, but her intentions may have been good. If you can give her the benefit of the doubt, call her, tell her that you understand she was trying to be sensitive, but what you really need right now is normalcy. You want to hang out with her and her toddler. You want to move past this misunderstanding between the two of you.

YANBU at all - it's quite weird of her. If you were the one being distant or not wanting to meet because you found it difficult, that would be fine and understandable, but for her to be the one that feels uncomfortable is just plain weird and, yes, I'd be insulted.

If she'd said 'I hope I'm not being insensitive by inviting you round when toddler is there - is it difficult for you? Because if it is, we can do something else, or if you wanted to back away I'd understand' that would have been different, of course. But for her to say that she feels uncomfortable, rather than asking you if you do, is incredibly self-obsessed. Does she think she's going to catch infertility off you, or something? What a cow.

I’d write her a letter or an email explaining how hurt you are and why. It’s crap not being able to conceive and being dumped by your friends as well is awful.

She got upset on the phone and said she felt really uncomfortable meeting up now (I always go to her house as her daughter is a toddler and likes being home) as she is uncomfortable with me 'seeing what I can never have'.

She’s made your infertility all about her. She might not have realised how selfish that is.

OP, I agree, this is not on you.

Your friend is an absolute arse and needs to give herself a right shake.

You sound as if you are managing what can been really devastating news for some people really well.
Good for you because I'm sure it's not easy.

Please try not to also dwell on your friends stupidity.
Instead of supporting you she's making it all about how she feels about your news.

What a complete twat.

Very little emotional awareness or intelligence.

Give her lots of space and spend time with your brighter friends.

Wishing you the best.💐

On the phone I reassured her I love seeing her and her DD, and it would never be uncomfortable spending time with them both. I said I'd been looking forward to it - we usually chat away as I entertain her DD so my friend has a short rest-bite.

I wish I hadn't told her, and I feel reluctant to share with others in case they feel the same.

I text my friend a day after our phone call but she still hasn't replied. Very unlike her. If I wanted to avoid 'seeing what I'll never have' I'd have to stop going out at all!