To feel as if I’ve fallen off the face of the earth?

[toria6118]

Hi, just a bit of a moan really. Last couple of years have been particularly difficult in my family life. Things have always been hard to manage since starting my family, eldest son diagnosed with autism about 6 or 7 years ago, so juggling family visits etc slightly more challenging. Fast forward to 4 years ago and I had my second child, lovely boy. Visits to family, from family lessening even more so. Fast forward two more years and eldest son threatening suicide due to bullying at the age of 9, my father diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and my partner with MS... things very tough indeed. My father passed away a few weeks after diagnosis, my world fell apart. But I had to hold it together for my children and partner. I do absolutely everything regarding house management, care of the children and care of my partner. This year I am pregnant now with my third child, not planned but wanted. Here’s my AIBU... am I really being unreasonable in wanting significant family to give a shit about us? I literally hear nothing from anyone. I text, I message, and it’s literally like tumbleweeds through a ghost town. I feel quite sad that I’m just basically ignored. Urgh. Thanks if you read my post.

You cant choose your family. Personally I would stop making the effort however theres always that guilt that your children will blame you later if they missed out on the relationship with your wider family - which is probably why you still make the effort. Honestly I would just stop making the effort for a bit and see what happens. Maybe they take for granted that you will do all the chasing etc? Poor you. It's not nice to feel unwanted especially by family but maybe put that effort into other friends instead who do try and keep the friendship going.

Some families are big and bubbly, some are not. Was it always like it is now, or have all the recent events shifted the dynamics?

Well it’s because you have had shit to deal with a most people unless it happens to them do not know how to handle this shit.
My husband died last year and my whole social circle including family disappeared. However, there’s no point in dwelling on it and I just happily get along without them.

@SplintersOnTheFence, I guess the last couple of years have changed the dynamics a little. I did the sole caring of my father during his illness, as I’m the only driver it made sense I would be the one to take him to appointments etc. I feel just a bit forgotten about I suppose. And I guess I may have a little envy that my family all go out and enjoy themselves without me, I know I can’t go out without planning like a military operation, but sometimes it’s nice to be thought of or considered. I’m just in a bit of an emotional slump I guess. Probably just need to pull up my big girl pants and get on with stuff.

Without wanting to go much into my whys and wherefores I often if not always feel completely like a peripheral bystander in my own family, I moved 2 years ago and not one family member other than my DM has made an effort to see me since

I've had the same experience. I have no family but all my friends disappeared 3 years ago when my mother passed away suddenly from lung cancer, 12 days after she was diagnosed. I also have special needs children. I think when you lose someone, a parent especially, it reframes your whole existence and it becomes a before, and after. It's a humbling experience. Other people just don't know how to handle it.

You've got so much to deal with. Your DS, your DP and your Dad passing away.

I think often, ppl just feel sorry for you when going through it all and don't know what to say, so they stay away and leave you to get on with it.

It also sounds like you show outer strength no matter what's going on, so nobody close to you really understands how you feel, because on the surface and to the outside world .... you're coping very well.

Another thing to bear in mind is that your family members may well be going through their own situations, but would feel selfish telling you, because of how much more you have going on.

I suggest you try and get some designated time for self care, because if you end up run ragged and stressed, your family will feel the impact.

I have to say this sounds a bit like me. Eldest autistic, just started school, youngest 10 months old. I cared for my grandmother through her cancer, with help from my mum as my siblings work full time and don't/didn't at the time have children.
All families are different but you have clearly managed a great deal on your own with all these major life events, and are still standing, and perhaps you are seen as the strong one that doesn't need help? Perhaps some ignorance, and or worry or embarrassment on your families part, as difficult knowing what to say? Are your family logistically close? As you say you are the only driver, so maybe they would visit if closer? although doesn't explain the lack of response on the phone. All I can suggest is tell them how you feel? Perhaps organise a family get together, if you are all out of touch, it takes someone to take the lead and get everyone together, that will reinforce the bonds, I assume you once had. We as a family are much closer since my grandparents passing, and have a constant group chat on the go, although I still feel left out a lot, but I live further away, not their fault. My mum won't bother me as she knows I'll ring her if I need her, and she doesn't like to bother me as she knows I've got enough to deal with. If you get no response either way, then perhaps better off without them! You sound an amazing strong woman, but if you don't get the support you need from your family, I hope you have some good friends to stand by you. Xx