Sensitive issue but dd is having issues with a girl in her form.

[JudgeGrudge]

Dd is 16 but has sen. She is most likely on the AS spectrum but has diagnosed Dyspraxia, Dyslexia and SPD.
She really struggles with social skills in general.

She has just started college and in her form is a girl we will call Josie.

Josie also has some physical disabilities but has latched on to dd. The problem is she is driving dd bonkers.

Josie has had her phone taken away at home for behaviour. She is obsessed with social media and thinks nothing of going up to random people in college and asking for their social media details. Because she has no smartphone at the moment she keeps snatching dds phone to try and use and if the password screen is on waving it around so dd can't get it.

Dd had her (private) sen pass in the back of her college lanyard so it cannot be seen unless she needs it which means she can leave the class for toileting issues or sensory issues. Josie grabbed this from dds neck so she could read it.

Josie calls dd stupid if she doesn't get an instruction she has given her right. She tells dd she is in a higher set and cleverer than dd..

Josie wants Dd to come downstairs with her every break but dd doesn't want to as they end up late back to every class because Josie cannot walk fast. But then dd feels bad because Josie cannot help walking slow.

The same at hometime, Josie wants dd to wait for her and help her carry her stuff down even though that means dd is missing her college bus home and having to walk to town for the public one.
Dd feels awful not helping because Josie is physically disabled.

Josie is also rather loud and messes about and dd is trying to get her head down this year after making mistakes with friends previously at secondary which affected her grades.

Dd has started staying out of her way but Josie finds her where ever she is (small campus) to the point dd doesn't want to eat lunch in the canteen because she is there and Josie is now jumping on the wrong college bus, making the bus stop where it shouldn't stop so she can get the bus with dd when there is a college bus that goes where she wants to.

Help!
Obviously dd is at an age where she should be able to sort this herself but she can't and it is making dd not want to go to college but I also don't want to make college feel I'm fighting her battles. Obviously it is also sensitive as both kids have special needs.

Usually I would say leave the 16 year old to tell the other girl to back off...but in your daughters case because bothngirlsmhahe special needs I would explain it to a teacher and ask if there is something they could do , maybe to keep the girls more seperating so your daughter has a chance to concentrate on her school work without the other girl bothering her...mention to them that it's making your daughter not want to go because of how the other girl is behaving....nip it in the bud now, rather than letting it grow into a big problem

Obviously dd is at an age where she should be able to sort this herself but she can't and it is making dd not want to go to college but I also don't want to make college feel I'm fighting her battles.

I think you need to combine both approaches. It sounds like your DD actually really needs some support in learning to be assertive, and I don't think her college can be the people to do that. I think you need to show/advise her how to tell Josie, quite clearly and bluntly, to leave her alone. Josie's behaviour sounds borderline stalkerish/harassing, but if your daughter has never actually told her to get lost, it would be difficult to prove that.

If that doesn't work, I think perhaps a conversation with her supervisor/tutor at college wouldn't go amiss, but I do think you need to show your DD how to stand up for herself a bit more.

I notice you say your daughter 'most likely' has ASD. Has she not had a diagnosis?

It sounds like Josie may have got a bit more than just physical disabilities go on, which makes the situation doubly difficult for everyone. I think you are going to have to get involved in this one OP rather than just coaching your dd behind the scenes (although that should definitely form part of your approach). Is there a lead in pastoral support, or does your dd have a mentor/tutor you could ask to speak to?

Thank you.
Yes I have been trying to get dd to be assertive for years. I've also done the coaching and giving her things she can say. Etc.

She just isn't an assertive person. It is something she finds really hard.
She really struggles with people in general tbh.

I think, from the description, handling Josie might be quite a big job for anyone. She sounds very full on.

'I notice you say your daughter 'most likely' has ASD. Has she not had a diagnosis?'

We were told when she was three during an assessment that she had autistic tendencies. When she was 9 the specialist we saw for something else developmental said he was 99.9% sure she was on the autistic spectrum as well and told us to get a Camhs referral. I did so but Camhs rejected it. No explanation or anything.

I had a similar situation when I was in college, again with a disabled girl. This girl acted the way she did because she was trying to overcompensate for her disability, and just basically grabbed hold of whatever friends she could make. Unfortunately I was nice to her on Day 1 (she wasn't with us in lower school).

In the end, I had a word with the head of year, just asking whether I could maybe move to second lunch as the whole school was split into two halves to make things easier. I ended up having to swap some classes round but it was more than worth it, and she actually made some new friends and seemed to calm down a bit. I don't know if it's possible to do that.

Regarding the bus, she needs a reason that she needs to be on her college bus. She cannot be getting home extra late every night. I don't know what time she gets home now, but tell her she has to be home for dinner or something, so she simply has to catch her bus.

Ok, this is going to sound nasty, but this girl is harassing your dd.
What would you want her to do if there was someone else harassing her|? A guy, colleague at work etc.

So I would say to dd, it is fine to say GO AWAY firmly and clearly to Josie. It is also fine to say NO, I don't want to, firmly and clearly.
I would even make a bit of a game about practising doing that at home.

Helping your dd to set firm boundaries, even if that means Josie is no longer her friend, is going to help her in the long term. I also think that your dd might be relived if Josie wasn't her friend any more, as she doesn't sound very nice. Your dd needs to know that she does not have to be friends with Josie.

You can be disabled and also a bit of a twat at the same time, the conditions aren’t mutually exclusive and your dd mustn’t feel obligated to be this girls whipping boy because she’s disabled, or has no other friends or doesn’t want to walk alone etc etc.
Does your dd have other friends she could do things with in college? can you encourage her to do more with others and just tell this girl straight that she’s made other plans today so she will need to find someone else to walk with/ eat with as dd is busy?
If the girl asks why then she should be told her behaviour is irritating and your dd wants some space. Honesty is the best policy and the girl may be unaware she’s a pita

The best thing about asd kids is their bluntness- my 16yo dd is savage with things like that. If josies behaviour continues once she’s been told bluntly to back off then you have grounds to complain to college. Might be worth raising it with student support regardless OP.