To wonder if I'll ever get the promised gift?

[Livehopelove]

I'll try to keep this short and to the point, I'm new here! So, it was my 40th three years ago, and one of my friends gave me a "trip to Italy" - basically a handwritten luggage tag with those words written on it. She has a beautiful house in Tuscany, and she said at the time that it would be lovely to have me out there for a break. I thanked her and said what a wonderful gift. Anyway, fast forward to now - she never mentioned it again until this Summer - when she said she felt awful about not having done anything about our break, and she would let me know so that I could book some time off work. She told me she'd phone me at the beginning of September to arrange dates. I've heard nothing since. For context, we do speak every so often, but she is incredibly busy and ultra disorganised so I am used to long gaps in our conversations. Neither of us does social media, either. I feel awkward calling her in case it looks like I am hassling her to organise our break. However, it's now nearly 4 years since she gave me my "present" and I wonder now whether I'll actually ever get it! There's a bit of me that thinks it's a bit cf to give an IOU as a present, knowing it will never come to anything. And for further context, she's incredibly wealthy and doesn't work, and I work two jobs, and so I know I shouldn't feel aggrieved and usually I wouldn't, but to give a birthday present of a lovely break I couldn't otherwise afford, and then effectively take it back without explanation, is quite hurtful. I don't know if I'm being an unreasonable bitch, or I'm right to feel shite! But I guess if I post this I'll know soon enough! Thank you x

I would forget it. It's been 4 years...if she meant to do it, she would have.

I also wouldn't really consider her a friend any longer. I could not imagine doing this to one of my friends. A friend has your back OP...they don't give empty promises.

I'd stop contacting her....who usually instigates contact?

She probably thinks you don't want to go if you have never brought it up in nearly 4 years.

What Henny said. She got carried away and made an empty promise she has no intention of carrying through.

If she'd really wanted you there, she would have found the time to arrange something, no matter how disorganised she may be.

She's scatty and disorganised. But I think you could have taken some steps to make it happen too. Just text her and say "Hey! I was thinking about my trip to Italy! How would first week in Feb suit you?"

Thats what i'd do...

@HennyPennyHorror It depends - she will call me if she wants something - help with pets or children - and I'll try to help - but writing this now makes me sound and confirm that I feel a bit of a doormat. I do like her, and I'm sad about all of this. The problem is that she did bring up the subject of the break this Summer, and so I felt relieved and I excused her behaviour, but now it feels as if I should have been firmer - but how can anyone "demand" (in any way) a present - it's a really tricky situation to be in!

It's not tricky at all. You've woken up to the fact that she only calls you for help when it suits HER and that she made an empty promise.

You want the holiday but you don't want to ask for it.

If I were you I would either stop responding to her contact OR I'd have it RIGHT out with her and say something like "I don't feel as though you actually want a holiday with me....it's been 4 years since you offered and you've not organised anything..." and see what she says.

She'll probably fly off the handle and dump you. I don't think she values you.

I wouldn’t want to ask her either but I could also see how she might think you aren’t interested if you don’t mention it yourself... tricky.

Actually, I disagree with the others - the only way you’re being a doormat is by not bringing it up.

She said she’d contact you in early September. She is scatty and disorganised. You are probably not her top priority so you’re just languishing in the To Do list.

Prompt her! Say “You reminded me to let you know in September about the Tuscany trip. Work is booking up holiday dates for next year now - when do you think might suit? I’m really looking forward to it.”

What’s the worst that can happen by asking in a friendly way?

Can you not just phone and say, ‘Hey, matey, It’s been 3 years. I’m calling in my birthday present. When suits you?’ Chances are she’d love it. She’s happy to host but isn’t organised enough to make the arrangements.

Just phone her and say that you need to get your holiday request in at work so when suits her best for going away. I think you need to be a bit more proactive as she sound a like an organisational disaster.

What did you do?

@stupidboyman I did exactly as the others said - I told her we need to get a date in because of work rosters etc. She said "absolutely" I'll talk to my husband.....She texted today saying she'd been unwell, and she would definitely speak to her husband but she thought with everything else going on (no idea what that means!) it might be next year.
Frankly as far as I am concerned, there won't be a next year. I'm done. I have chalked this up to experience. And will move on. Thanks for the MN advice.

Yup. You've been fobbed off again.
Sorry to say it, but you are right to give up now.

Yep stop hellping her. For her next birthday send her an IOU for a visit to her Tuscan house.

What a CF OP. Do not bloody help her out with kids/pets any more.

I think even if this holiday does go ahead, you will end up paying for your own flights anyway, so I wouldn't bother.

You have waited all these years to chase it up...why? You should have contacted your friend ages ago to arrange dates to go instead of just sitting there waiting.
She has probably been waiting for you to contact her with available dates that you can go.
It's a bit ridiculous really. How can she organise your holiday if you don't contact her with dates. Be proactive. Don't hang about waiting for her to do everything.
She's probably offended you haven't said anything all this time or chased it up and thinks you don't want to go!!!
If you still want it ask her if the holiday still stands and give her a list of dates you can go.

She doesnt sound much of a friend. That's awful. Personally I wouldn't offer any favours any more, I would be busy.

You've definitely done the right thing in giving up. Hopefully one day you get your own holiday with your own family!

How mean! After 4 years it's an absolute joke not to have sorted your holiday, she should be mega embarrassed. If she mentions it again, I would say... 'well it's been 5 years, it's obviously not going to happen, so please stop talking about it, unless you have a firm plan'.

I did an enormous favour for a family member 2 years running (holiday related too). They sent me a whatsapp after the 2nd holiday asking if I got the Cowshed hamper they sent to me. I replied no I knew nothing about it, hadn't arrived. They asked if I could check with neighbours. I did. No, nothing. I told them that in our quiet road nobody had received anything, and perhaps they could chase up with the delivery co, never heard another word and never got the hamper! That was the last time I helped them out.

Probably for the best. I get the feeling that all she was offering was her place in Italy. She would probably expect you to pay for all the flights and expenses yourself. You’d be better off going there yourself and getting a hotel!

Unless she follows up with an apology and a replacement gift in the post, unfortunately I think you'd be right to view the friendship as more of an acquaintance-who-asks-for-favours relationship.

Give her some dates to work with , a few options, and if she’s still flaky, forget it/her.

Just ask her if the present was meant to be a combined 40th and 50th Birthday Present.