Low contact with sister

[meccacos2]

My purpose is to ask if I’m being unreasonable by going low contact with my sister but also ask what would you do? in this situation.

I have gone low contact with my sister after behaviour from her really upset me. So as not to drip feed, I’ve detailed this below.

Until a few months ago I had lived with her for 6 months whilst I waited on a medical diagnosis. I was sick, my hours at work had been reduced and I needed to leave where I had been living because my housemate’s mental health had deteriorated.

Whilst living with my sister I paid her money each week, but would stay with my boyfriend most weekends.

During the week I would take my niece to school and provide emergency childcare on some weekends.

I started working later and later at nights otherwise I would get in and have to clean up all of the family dishes (I made my own meals or had takeout - very rarely had family dinners).

My health deteriorated whilst I was there and I needed emergency surgery. I had two additional surgeries whilst living there.

A few days prior to going into hospital for the first time I could barely walk and needed to sleep. She insisted I wake up and wouldn’t let me back into the bedroom so I could lie down. I stayed on the chair in the lounge and she repeatedly called out that I should babysit her children in the other room. I said I could barely stand and was in pain - she said I was making it up because I was lazy.

She would regularly threaten to kick me out of the house and tell me I was lazy. Then later say that she loves me and that she wouldn’t kick me out.

I was at rock bottom with my health issues, work issues and her constant screaming and bullying.

After the first surgery she was apologetic but yelled at me to get on the floor to play with her infant because I wasn’t engaged enough with him while I was watching him. I explained I couldn’t sit on the floor, I was still bleeding from surgery and was very uncomfortable.

She yelled at me to check on one of her children when she was also in the house (her child had the flu, I had just checked on her and had kept my door open and could hear her breathing). She then came down and screamed at me saying I hadn’t checked on her and calling me lazy.

When I suggested (later on) that she take the same child to the GP as she still had breathing difficulties she said “if you say that one more time I’m going to punch you in the face.” The reason why I said this was because she told me the child was lethargic and very pale.

She was obsessed with babies and wanted to talk about it constantly, such as:-

1. Teasing me about my fertility going tick tick tick but really aggressively and smug this was in the context of her bringing up my age and lack of children - I’m close to 40 years old.

1. Repeatedly bringing up the topic of babies into conversation and her “birth story” even after I’ve said I’ve had enough.

1. Repeatedly mentioning me having babies with my boyfriend and saying things like “when you have a baby you can just hire a night nurse”.

1. Saying (randomly) “you won’t be able to cope when you have a baby - you will NOT be able to cope” this was unsolicited - I’ve not asked about this or brought it up in any way.

1. Saying “when you have a baby you can just give it to me and I’ll look after it”. I made it very clear that that would never happen and she just looked shocked.

Eventually, I moved out and she admitted she didn’t let me sleep because she felt she couldn’t sleep in because she had children. I said that I was very sick, which she knew about. It wasn’t an indulgence sleeping in, I was trying to recover. She said she had hoped we could reconnect whilst I was living with her and that we hadn’t.

Since I moved out, she has demanded “access” to my boyfriend and wanting to know why I wouldn’t invite anyone over. I explained it would not be happening, she lost it and screamed at me hysterically.

I continued paying her board for about 8 weeks after I moved out because she abused me in a message and said my cat had damaged the blinds. I apologised profusely and told her I was still paying her money every week.

After about 8 weeks I told her that I would stop the direct deposit into her bank account and she admitted that she would miss the money every week and that my cat hadn’t damaged anything.

I didn’t make a big deal of this as I know that my cat had exacerbated a hole in the fly screen that was already there and I considered it fair (the cost was less than what I had paid her, however).

I have not told her where I live, nor have I given her my boyfriend’s address because I do not want her dropping in unexpectedly.

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and have only told her today. It did not go down well and she’s behaving as I expected her to (making this all about her). She is not happy for me. I didn’t expect her to be - but I find her behaviour utterly bizarre.

My boyfriend has also gotten upset with me also, questioning me as to why I don’t want him spending time with my family (he has only met her once). I’ve tried to explain that they can’t behave themselves and it isn’t because I’m ashamed of him.

I don’t want any extra stress during my pregnancy. I have enough stress at work and I’m still sick from before I got pregnant. Her yelling and screaming at me and accusing me of things contributes to my stress.

AIBU in remaining low contact?

Why are you having any contact with her at all?
Put your child first, you don't want to bring a child into this. She will undermine you and spoil your first days with your child. Go NC now.

Honestly? She sounds mad as a lorry and I wouldn’t be having any contact with her at all. ‘Access’ to your boyfriend? She’s barking. Avoid.

I don’t have a lot of family left.

She’s already threatened that I’m not going to be invited to my nephews birthday or to Christmas.

I’ve put up boundaries because her behaviour isn’t acceptable and I have explained that to her.

I feel beholden because she let me live with her.

But I just feel so broken now.

I haven’t written everything and I’m sure I did things to annoy her while I was living there.

Low contact is best for now. It can be a gradual process to going completly no contact.
Especially as you are pregnant and ill you don't want any extra stress in your life.

I feel beholden because she let me live with her.

Stop that right now.
She "let" you live with her so she could use you as a punch bag.
You were the Cinderella of her dysfunctional household.

Tell your partner what you wrote in your OP, & steer clear - especially while you are pregnant. She has a very worrying attitude toward children, possibly a personality disorder, certainly a toxic bitch attitude, & ANY contact you have with her will be used to make you feel bad.

She is poison - avoid her.
And if it's too hard to talk to your DP about, show him your OP.

Thank you @messolini9

She used to refer to me as Cinderella.

Once she woke me up early yelling that I didn’t do her ironing. I didn’t do it because she didn’t leave it out for me to iron it.

I just feel so exhausted, I’ve gone back there any babysat and seeing her had triggered a migraine each time.

I’ve gone back there any babysat and seeing her had triggered a migraine each time.

I'm not surprised.
Stop babysitting, stop doing favours, stop Cinderella-ing ... just stop seing her.
You don't have to make a big announcement of it.
Just don't go round, & when she contacts you, keep your responses minimal.

You do know you're allowed to say "no thanks, I don't feel like it", don;t you?

@messolini9 I told her in a group text message.

I texted her after she asked me to babysit for most of Sunday and I said no.

I’m not doing any favours any more.

I felt obligated before and that something bad would happen if I didn’t do things. She would even ask that I change my days at work to sort out childcare during the week or to finish work early to relieve the nanny.

Go no contact. She is treating you like a slave.

And show your bf this message

Oh my gosh, why on earth did you stay there and not with your boyfriend?! Definitely keep low/no contact with her.
Your boyfriend will understand when you explain what she's put you through. Don't keep toxic people like that in your life!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

You know, people like to say you can't choose your family. Well, you absolutely can. Too many people believe they have to keep in touch with family members who are toxic and abusive because they are 'family.'

Well, my view on it is that a family is there as part of a network to support one another, care for each other, and love each other. If people are behaving the exact opposite of this, then they lose the right to be part of your family.

I know it seems impossible when someone has you wrapped up in what they call the FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - but getting away from such damaging and draining influences will transform your life for the better.

She does not have a right to treat you like shit because you are related to her by blood. In fact, you'd do well to see her as a blood relative, but not family.

I really hope you are able to go very low contact with a view to completely cutting her out of your life. I went through something similar myself and am some months out the other side. It has been the best decision I ever made. (though it was tough as a process).

I can't tell you how wonderful life is when you don't have a malign influence constantly sending shitty energy and their abusive crap at you all the time. When you are not being used as a punchbag, manipulated and treated like shit on their shoe whenever they feel like it.

In fact, it's been so positive for me, it's as though I am living in a different universe to the one I spent the first three decades of my life living in. And the new one is bloody brilliant.

Best of luck to you OP.

This is definite case of GO NO CONTACT.
She was not helping you at all but using you.
You’d have been better off in an air bnb!
What a nightmare she is.
I hope you feel better now. With friends like her, who needs enemies!?

@fancytiles

I didn’t stay with my boyfriend because it was still so early. We had only just started dating; I had to move out where I was after I lost a lot of weight and my housemate’s behaviour changed. She became obsessed with what I was eating and kept telling me I was fat (I wasn’t).

I wasn’t his responsibility and my sister was the only one who offered to take me in. I think that’s why I felt beholden to her. She also lives close to two hospitals.

It was actually quite an embarrassing situation to be in, having to rely on someone else when I had been responsible for myself for some time. But also finding when I was at my lowest point that someone could enjoy teasing me and reminding me what she was doing for me. Through all this I was working. The only thing that deteriorated were my friendships as I couldn’t maintain them.

Absolutely no contact.
Show your partner this entire thread.
Block her everywhere.
Talk to your midwife about your stress levels and most of all GOOD LUCK!

Weird family.

I forgot to add she let my cat stay. So she did help me a lot.

My housemate had put my cat under water and in the past had disciplined her. When her mental health started to crash again and the drinking escalated I recognised the signs. I knew that if I had to go into hospital again that my cat needed to be safe.

I just think it’s safer being completely isolated from other people. I want to be in a situation where I don’t need anyone.

You owe her nothing. Most family would not expect labour in return for a family member staying during a period of ill health. Her behaviour has been appalling and abusive.

Have you ever tried setting limits, or saying no? If you haven't I can definitely imagine why you haven't, it does sound like she'd react explosively. But I can't see another way forward, one way or another you cannot continue to be treated this way.

I'd say either bite the bullet and go NC, or if you can't bring yourself to do this set clear boundaries, batten down the hatches, and stick to what you've said.

She's admitted to using you for extra money and childcare.

I wouldn't speak to her again!

Your ex housemate also sounds horrendous! You are lucky to be rid of them both now. Definitely stay low to no contact with your sister.
She didn't do you a "favour" taking your cat in. My sister sometimes stays with us when she's working in London, there is no way I would charge her anything or ask her to do anything in return! It's just what you do and I know she would do the same for me.
Focus on your pregnancy and your much better situation now :)

Also have no idea how you kept on working through all of that! You can definitely handle a baby, ignore her, she is the one who can't (and needed your help).

Congrats on the pregnancy, I hope it all goes well for you.

Definitely no contact with her, she sounds like a looney bin and a slap across her face the mental cow. Sorry if that was my sister I would’ve had her in a headlock by now. Who does she think she is? Screaming because she can’t sleep?

I think you need to protect yourself, your baby and your relationship. It doesn’t matter if she’s your sister, you’ve got your own family now. Your boyfriend and your baby are you little family now, she can carry on screaming at herself. She’s not worth the headache I know you will miss your nephews, and that’s hard. Your baby comes first now.

Since I said no to babysitting and wouldn’t take her calls (which I know were going to be abusive), she has now cut contact and blocked me.

Before blocking me she made a comment about me not being married said she was concerned about her nephew (my unborn son, obviously).

I’m employed, I don’t drink or take recreational drugs. My mental health is surprisingly good in the circumstances.

Since I’ve told my boyfriend about some of the stuff with my family, he has stopped dropping hints about wanting to marry me. So I’m thinking I might just go into some counselling before the baby is born.

It looks like my brother had also blocked me. Or maybe he’s just busy. I’ve not heard from my other immediate family at all.

It just seems really unfair. I’m not making a big deal of it, but to be dismissed and treated like this actually really hurts.