I'm scared of everything and it makes me so tired

[bloomingblossoms]

I feel like my life is a constant stream of panic and anxiety. I have had GAD/depression and other mental health diagnoses over the years. Various therapies, medications, coping strategies but nothing seems to work, I seem to go from one catastrophising obsession to the next.

I've recently been diagnosed with OCD - responsibility OCD - where I worry constantly that I have harmed someone/I'm going to get arrested/I've committed a crime in the day and I've forgot. I've completed CBT for this - but it didn't help, in fact, it made the thoughts and rituals worse.

Here's a typical day for me/what today actually looked like:

7am: Wake up with feeling of dread/wake up panicking or crying
8am: think that I have given my boyfriend an incurable STI like HIV (when there is no reason to think this)
9am: see on the news that there has been police raids locally - worry that this will happen to me
12pm: feeling of dread, not sure why
1pm: convince myself my boyfriend will leave me
3pm: think that I am making mistakes in work that will see me sacked immediately (e.g. implementing wrong procedures)
4pm: worry that my boyfriend will die (he has a pacemaker)
5pm: convince myself I have the symptoms of gonorrhea
7pm: seek reassurance from my mother that my boyfriend won't leave me if I have HIV
9pm: try to sleep, toss and turn, feel like my whole life is pointless

It's a living hell. When I say "worry" I mean absolute panic mode of crying and acting as if i've just been told the event will definitely happen. My boyfriend is lovely, I do not have an STI, I have not committed a crime, I am good at my job. But when that spiral starts, I can't stop it.

It's too much for my boyfriend to deal with - he has his own stresses. I just feel so scared about everything in life. I've felt like this almost all my life, but right now it's so much worse.

Does anyone else feel like this? What helps? I feel like I'm losing it

OP I don’t have experience of this to this extent but I have suffered from health anxiety so I know that exact feeling of panicked dread you describe.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you still in therapy/counselling? Have you managed to identify a root cause of the anxiety?

Try some hypnotherapy, it can really help with the obsessive thoughts, you are not alone

Make a check list of things you are concerned about and tick off things that didn’t happen and couldn’t realistically happen. Keep re- reading those lists to convince yourself.

I have been there. You're coping with more in a day, albeit the problems are imagined, than some people would have deal with in a lifetime. That's hard. And it's tough because if you get over one thing, your brain can masterfully conjure a new worry. I don't think CBT did anything for me either. It seemed like a pretty hopeless tool against what felt much more like a state of delusion than a series of thoughts that I could analyse correct.

But the weird thing about the OCD for me has been that sometimes it just gets better. I notice you're saying that right now it's much worse. Well I think you should be hopeful that this peak is going to pass a bit and you will get some breathing space. Hopefully soon.

You've tried strategies and medications so I won't suggest things you probably know about. One thing that did help me was to become a total expert on the disorder. I read and read and read about it, books and blogs and scientific papers. Not sure why exactly this helped but I feel that it did. Maybe there's some kind of sideways way you can cope with things. Whether that's making a video diary of how you're doing or deciding to take up marathon running. I don't know what.

Also, go back to your doctor and say that you're really not coping and get the cogs in motion for a referral if you don't have an active one because these things take time to come through.

I have this too and it’s a right nightmare.

It started at uni... stressful exam period somehow turned into me thinking I had HIV!!! I don’t! But of course I obsessed over it then I went for a test.

Mine got way worse when I had babies. I used to worry about them so much! It was exhausting.

CBT did help.

I also worry about health, and getting sacked at times.

I seem to constantly be short of breath and this is 100 percent linked to my anxiety levels.

The biggest one I wish I could “get over” is driving! I just can’t do it and it’s all harm ocd related.

I am an intelligent person and know I sound completely insane yet still I do the rituals and still I video things on my phone in case something bad happens and I can prove it wasn’t me!

I wonder if drugs would help me. I notice my ocd gets worse with stress. So at weekends it’s 1 percent. When I get stressed at work it’s 100 percent! It’s flipping exhausting all the checking...... door, oven, straighteners, round the roundabout twice when driving, checking emails etc etc

One thing that I think does help is it does give people like us a certain edge. I rarely make work mistakes and I’m praised for attention to detail, I know a lot about health and take it very seriously often getting family members to go to drs before potentially dangerous situations arise. I’m a very very careful driver. I’ve never left my house in an unsafe condition unlike dh who has left window open, lights on, back food open etc.

I do think cbt helps but you need to stick with it. My issue with driving comes back often and I really need to force myself to stop it.

It’s shit and I wish there was an off button to my worry

Hi Bloomingblossoms,

That sounds awful! I can completely relate- I have severe OCD like you, and it's such a struggle. I've also had several rounds of CBT and other treatments and not seen much improvement in my symptoms.

Do you find that some days are better than others? Have you had any periods of time when the OCD and GAD were less severe?

not quite the same but I have ptsd which has led to GAD and intrusive thoughts. I feel scared of being attacked or accused all the time. I’m having therapy which is working slowly and taking beta blockers for the panic.

I can’t offer much except empathy and a hand hold I’ve found seeing a clinical psychologist really useful and am starting to see hope of a better life.

Hi Bloomingblossoms,

How are you today?

Hi. Lots of sympathy and empathy. I was that bad but much better now though it comes back sometimes. I didn't find medication helpful and I tried lots you might though. It sounds strange but Google "anxiety and magnesium" I took a lot of magnesium baths and applied magnesium spray on my skin after showers. I drank water with a high magnesium content and tried to eat foods high in it too. After this my anxiety began to drastically improve. I know some people might be a bit but if your life is hellish you don't have much to lose by trying it. I also found counselling to be somewhat helpful but not the "answer."