Is his behaviour strange or is he just a shit mate ?

[Spotofbotheragain]

Have a friend who , when told of any challenge or difficulty in my life says all the right things and promises support etc but after that he does not bring up the subject ever again or checks in to see how things are going . He is also starting to turn each communication between us , to be all about him . Have no idea where this is coming from but I’m a bit disappointed tbh ! Odd or self absorbed?

Being honest, are you a bit of depressing to talk to or do you save it for really tough things? Because lots of people run out of sympathy when they constantly have to listen to the same misery from the same person. Alternatively, this friend could just have a busy life and over-promise in the moment support that they can’t actually deliver.

Have a friend who , when told of any challenge or difficulty in my life says all the right things and promises support etc but after that he does not bring up the subject ever again or checks in to see how things are going . He is also starting to turn each communication between us , to be all about him

Well, it actually sounds like you want it to be all about you and he’s simply redressing the balance.

Friends are not solely there to be agony aunts and sounding boards. We can all listen to friends’ problems but if that’s all they ever want to talk about, it can become exhausting eventually. Maybe you need to cut him slack and treat the friendship more like fun than therapy.

I don’t think you are odd but maybe a little self absorbed.

Honestly no I’m not boring or a drama queen but I have had a couple of very real sadness in life eg sudden death of parent to gove you an idea. I’m happy go lucky, we have great fun and I am a great source of support to him . It seems that something has changed and he is either disinterested in the ‘ real’ me but enjoys the ‘ fun’ me which would make him no friend at all I guess . Thanks

May be he is just crap at communicating. He might not know what to say and so is sticking to safe neutral ground to avoid upsetting you. I know I do that, not because I don’t care but because I care too much about how my friends might be feeling and mistakenly try to avoid making things worse.

I’ve got one of them! We had a two hour phone conversation last week and he didn’t ask me a single thing. Not a ‘how are you?’ or a ‘what are you up to?’ He’s self absorbed but doesn’t take up too much of my time and energy and doesn’t have many other people in his life, so I let it go.

He's just a fair weather friend.

There's a lot of them about - murmur appropriate noises when necessary, but hope to God you'll never bring up the subject again.

They can be fun to hang out with when you're feeling fun. But it won't be a very deep or balanced friendship and you should adjust your perception of them accordingly.

It’s seems you are right and I’m a fair weather friend. Hard to get my head around that when I’ve given him so much of my time over the years. When life is going well
For him he disappears somewhat , at least as a friend . A needed wake up call it seems ! Think I should stick with the fun aspect and lower my expectations and keep it light from now on .

I think there's also a cultural aspect I am assuming you are English here and that English people are dreadful at dealing with death, compared to virtually anywhere else I've ever lived. I've continually, in the many years I've lived in England, condoled with a bereaved person I didn't really know (a neighbour I only knew by name, a local dog walker, a hairdresser in the salon where I get my hair cut, but not my own hairdresser), or asked how they were doing some time afterwards, and they all seemed terribly touched and surprised.

And there have been threads on here down the years which appalled me about people going back to work immediately after having had a few days of compassionate leave for a parent's death, and literally no one mentioning it. I didn't believe them until it happened in my own workplace when someone told me I was the only one who had mentioned his mother's death to him.

It doesn't necessarily improve the situation between you and your friend, OP, but he's not alone in being unable to deal with bereavement. And I'm sorry for your loss.

How much support do you need though? I love my friends but I also work full time, have a child, husband, house, need to exercise etc etc I don't have a vast amount of time to be a crutch to my friends also, I also don't expect support back really.

Hello again. Thanks for replies and your kind thoughts. I don’t need a lot of support from him really but I do see him most days and we chat about everything and anything . He has a habit of listening ,saying all the right things there and then but will never mention them again. I thought it might be a bit odd .he does have a habit of turning every conversation back about himself though lately. Good advice thanks

Maybe you get a little depressing sometimes, so he tries to turn the conversation around to something more fun?

That’s it possibly . I am normally upbeat and positive though but it’s a good reminder