AIBU to find it all a bit too much

[fsk53]

I'm a mother of 3, aged 1, 4 and 5 and went back to work (contracting) each time, commuting nearly 4 hours a day. I was recently told I wasn't getting renewed and tbh it's massively stressful, mainly because it was unexpected and I've struggled with my confidence since having kids. Feel like I'm useless, which obviously they have now agreed with! They gave me a long lecture about "being negative", no idea why as no examples were given, and then offered me a permanent job in a comparatively very junior job that would take me back 15 years. My husband mostly works away or much longer hours so I have to leave at 5 on the dot, which I think has a lot to do with it. When I get home, I have to clean the whole kitchen after the hour it takes me to get the kids to bed (I'm still BF like a fool). I also have to do DS's reading and words as the nanny doesn't do them. She nanny seems to find just wiping the kids food off the table beneath her. She is realy, really winding me up at the moment, I pay her 36k a year to work 4 days a week and she just does the absolute minimum all the time, while I'm stressing about work. I seem to be wholly unable to assert myself because I don't want her to feel unvalued, but tbh at this point I feel like I should just jack in the whole idea of working, it's a hiding to nothing, if she finds it all too hard she can go and work for a family with fewer kids (she has one of her own, so realistically she is just out of time, I guess). I work because otherwise why did I spend years working so hard to get somewhere?? I miss the kids, they give me pretty massive guilt trips, maybe I'm making all the wrong choices. Sitting and watching DAvid Cameron talk about his dead son and in floods of tears!

Can you afford to be a SAHM, if so I really think in your position that’s what I’d do, you could return to work when children older and less dependent

It is so tough to be a parent and work full time. It sounds like the nanny is adding to your stress where she should be helping to alleviate it! She is being paid (a lot!) To provide a service that she just isn't providing.

Is there a possibility to work part time, therefore keeping your experience and earning power but having more time to do things and see your kids more.

If you pay your nanny £36K she should be doing homework and meals for the kids and settling them for bedtime. Only adult stuff should be left to be tidied.

As an aside, perhaps I should be looking to be a nanny! I’m a deputy manager in childcare and earn nothing near that!

Your nanny is a problem. Our nanny used to do spellings and reading, house spotless etc. She really was a third parent! You need better childcare.

Sounds like you also need to look for different job. Don't take the junior role.

Sorry things are difficult.

If you can afford to pay £36k for a nanny can you afford to work part time and put your two oldest into nursery and get 30 hours funded childcare then nursery costs for youngest? With your level of stress and massive childcare outgoings I would be reconsidering my life goals. What is it that you really want?

Well yeah I wish I could do that job! I do think I'm being a bit unreasonable though because the core frustration is that I compare my days when I was looking after the kids - no time to play with them as there is so much housework/tidying/cooking etc. - and when she is with them, she sits and plays except when she is preparing meals. She does occasionally jam the washing machine so full of kids washing it's all a crumpled mess which she leaves for me to sort out. But obviously it's my house and a lot of the work is our own mess/admin which I don't expect her to do. So it feels like I can't offer them all the attention she does if I'm a SAHM as we'd no longer be able to afford a cleaner either (4 hours of cleaner a week and it's still a complete tip). The kids view it all as my job, don't understand why I can't play all the time and get really arsy if I ask them to put their clothes away.

Would a live-in nanny cost a lot more? Or maybe engage another nanny to remove one source of stress at least. I imagine the nanny is taking the pee because you aren't being assertive. You don't want her to feel 'undervalued' - I get the impression there's no danger of that happening - from what you describe she's valued herself rather highly. Have you got a contract with her that you can reference regarding your expectations? Remind her of details?

It sounds like you need to address your lack of confidence. But maybe that isn't just a result of returning to work after having children but also from being knackered after 4 hours commuting, plus an hour of cleaning after seeing to your children's needs. And, in turn, the tiredness is feeding a negativity outlook. I know my own negativity escalates when I'm tired; I project a negative vibe without even saying a word, apparently.

When do you have time to relax and gather your thoughts?

You’re the last person in the world who should be feeling useless.
Not quick fixes but it in an ideal world I’d be looking for a nanny who stepped up a bit, and also a role with a shorter commute. I used to have a two hour commute on top of breastfeeding and I look back at those days as the maddest of my life.
No help I know but those two things stand out to me as your biggest problems - logistical issues probably compounding your low confidence which sounds undeserved as you seem to be doing approximately 8 million roles simultaneously.

36k per year for a nanny? Jeez, most people could never afford that (and many wouldn’t want a nanny)!! Forget the job for a few years and look after your children.

You will never get this time back, and neither will they.

All your worries about housework/time to play with the children etc... are what most of us face every day too. It’s nothing unusual, you just have to make it work.

You chose to have three kids. With that comes a responsibility to do the right thing by them. They deserve a Mum that’s not stressed to the max all the time.

I was lucky enough to be able to afford to be a SAHM until my youngest was 6. Those years were precious, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Look at the bigger picture op.

Hi OP

Working full time with a 4 hour commute would kill me, without kids!

You can sort the nanny. Just be honest, saying you're struggling and having to do some of what you consider to be her job after you've done hers. Go through what is expected. If she doesnt do it, find another nanny. I wouldn't expect a spotless house with 3 kids but presumably the 5 year old (possibly the 4 year old) is at school and the one year old naps so she should be able to do the basics. Tell her you'll review in a month and if either of you have anything youd like to tweak in the mean time then tell each other.

Is there anything you can let slide a bit? 4 hours cleaner a week is surely enough. It doesnt need to be tidy or spotless just safe and not unhygienic.

Can you find another job closer? Cut hours? Work from home a couple of days a week? A 1 hour commute will buy you an extra 10 hours- that's a whole extra day to play with the kids and worth sacrificing some money for

Your contract is not been renewed so this is your chance to stay at home for a while. Get rid of the nanny and you effectively have an extra £50k s year at least. That's probably how much you need to earn before tax to get 36k to pay her).

When your youngest is 3, start looking for work near home

Thanks all!

Oh OP it is hard!

Firstly, I think your nanny isn't great. Our nanny doesn't cook (we haven't asked her to) but when I get home my kitchen/living room is spotless, the dishwasher is empty, the laundry is folded, my children are clean, calm and happy. It's like walking into an oasis of calm. I value her immensely because she brings so much value to our lives!

Your nanny is doing the minimum, and it's rightly annoying you. Our previous nanny was the same. She was fine, she was nice to our DC and they were safe & happy which I tried to tell myself was all that mattered. But she would bring her laptop and do her own thing while toddlers watched TV or napped, didn't tidy up, would leave a pile of dishes, wasn't great about staying on top of nappy changes (caused the odd rash). It was nothing major but she just wasn't the right fit for us. We're a really hard working pair, we pay well above average (as you do) and we're more compatible with our current nanny who is more professional. It's a matter of fit, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or her.

I suggest you take some time off, be a SAHM for a few months, find your feet. Sack the nanny (nicely!). Think about what you want to do next. Would studying be an option? I did some postgraduate study on mat leave and it was really good for my confidence, which otherwise was eroded by the day.

When you return to work, find a nanny you're happy with. Be really proscriptive about the tasks you expect her to achieve. Write a job description and a list of duties ordered in terms of important. Have a section titled 'things that are important to us' and then just be really frank about the stuff you care about. We put in things like not watching TV unless they are sick etc. Dont worry about being bossy, just be clear as you would want your boss to be when you start a job.

Anyway I've gone off on a nanny tangent there!

You sound burnt out. I hope you take care of yourself and feel better soon.