To ask for your stories of tough love with teenagers!

[Zippyzoppy]

My son is off to university next weekend, and so we have begun the process of packing and getting him ready. As a consequence, we have been sorting his clothes and personal items.

I’ve realised, that compared to his mates, he seems to have relatively few nice things. We’ve been giving him around £75 a month after paying for his phone to buy his stuff, but he gets a gym membership and then says he doesn’t have enough left for nice jeans or clothes.

Realistically we can’t accord to give him more, but I just feel really guilty. I’m worried that at uni the other students will have brand new everything whereas we’ll be recycling stuff he’s already got - eg bed linen, duvets, crockery to go along with his sparse wardrobe.

Going forward one answer is for him to get a job, but to me, he seems to lack any kind of thrust to organise himself which I find very frustrating. I’m thinking that the way forward is to let him go to uni with relatively few creature comforts so that he becomes more motivated to fend for himself though I’m not sure if even that will work!

Does anyone have any wise words to share? I feel like I’m letting him down all the time whilst knowing that I’m doing my best.

Dsd is in a similar position but for the opposite reason. We do have the money but don’t really see why a student needs a load of expensive gear handed to them on a plate! We’d much rather give her the money when/if she deserves a treat or genuinely needs something than waste it on stuff we/ she already has.

Most of her crockery etc is spares, or very cheap and basic, eg kettle & toaster. Admittedly she does have some very nice clothes, but the stuff she’s taking is more top shop items that she’s had ages and bits of new primark. She can wash it and budget for primark replacements.

By the sounds of it your ds isn’t any more interested in clothes than I was. And I certainly don’t remember either caring myself about conforming, or my fellow students caring about my lack of interest in clothes. I did have a sense of style but alternative enough that I certainly didn’t give the impression of new or smart clothing.

I’m sure he’ll be fine, it’s not as though he couldn’t have bought new clothes if he’d wanted. And he’ll soon learn to organise himself when he doesn’t have any choice. And that’s assuming he doesn’t already know how and is just cashing in on the fact he currently doesn’t need to be.

My dd didn't take all new stuff when she went. It was a mix of stuff from home, bedding, blankets, pots and pans etc and stuff from Poundstretcher for washing baskets and towels. We got crockery from Sainsbury's in singles.

We didn't give her too many creature comforts and after her first year (she didn't work at all in this year) she had mastered cooking on a budget and how to budget financially.

Unlike her flat mates who still have no idea apparently how to budget at all.

He'll be fine, learning how to be independent is a skill that's invaluable and he may find a uni gym that's cheaper and use the rest of his spends on clothing.

If kids get everything handed to them they never learn the value of anything. Our DC have been through university and they were kitted out with charity shop stuff mostly (apart from bedding - I'm not that mean!). It's also character building to have to make do and rise to the challenge of managing a tight budget. I've noticed it's often the less privileged kids who put the most value on owning designer/expensive gear. My DC were fortunate enough to have independent schooling and expensive holidays/hobbies etc growing up, but they have never had or been interested in designer labels and expensive junk. Youngest has recently graduated and started work and has set up her own Help to Buy LISA. She's putting as much away as she can as she wants a deposit in 3 years, and in the meantime happily continues to browse the charity shops for clothes.