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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want visitors at the hospital

19 replies

Mamagunner · 16/09/2019 11:08

Right so myself and my partner are having our first child together (induction booked for tomorrow) we each have four other children between us from previous relationships aged 11,10,9 and 6 he dad and step mum live literally on the same road as the hospital and his step mum works there they have said they will come and see me tomorrow as soon as she is born and his sister asked to be texted as soon as she was allowed to the hospital to meet her niece. My question is AIBU to not want visitors at the hospital and for the first people to meet her to be her older siblings? I'm being made to feel guilty as they are only round the corner when I'm at the hospital but 35 minutes away when I return home. Obviously if I'm in hospital for an extended period of time then it might be different but I should be home by Thursday and the children will have met her by Wednesday evening. I also know how poorly I was and exhausted I was after I had my youngest I really didn't feel up to visitors if I'm honest.

OP posts:

AiryFairyMum · 16/09/2019 11:11

I'd just let them visit. Your husband can do the introductions and ask them not to stay long. Don't get worried about it.

Notajogger · 16/09/2019 11:12

Of course YANBU. I don't know anyone who has wanted visitors in the hospital when they've just given birth. Tell them you'll let them know when you're up for visitors after you get settled at home.

SRK16 · 16/09/2019 11:13

I don’t think you’re BU. I’d just tell them you’ll play it by ear depending on how you feel, that if you feel up to it you’ll let them know but otherwise it may be best for them to visit at home.

Templetonstunafish · 16/09/2019 11:14

YANBU. If you can't set a reasonable boundary after giving birth, when can you? Your husband can absolutely deal with telling them that unfortunately, you are very tired and not up for visitors, but you look forward to seeing them at the weekend/next week/whenever is good for you.

Mintypea5 · 16/09/2019 11:15

I don't think so.

When DS2 was born my eldest was the first to meet him. My mum has to bring him so she also met the baby so we asked DH mum to come same day to keep it fair but told all other family we'd see them when we got home.

It may depend on your hospital but mine has strict visiting hours (unless it's for partners or your own other children) and we can only have up to 4 visitors at a time but on a small postnatal ward there isn't that much space. Didn't seem fair on the other ladies I was sharing with recovering to have loads of loud visitors traipsing in and out.

I'm doing the same this time. DH will bring our 2 DS and then we'll have our mums come too if they want but everyone else can wait until we're home. If we're in for a longer period (I'm strepB so a chance if that) then we'll have them to the hospital but I prefer visits at home! I feel more relaxed and less worried about disturbing others

phoenixrosehere · 16/09/2019 11:16

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. They can wait. I understand being excited but not being able to wait until mum is ready is ridiculous. The baby is going to look the same whether it day 1 or day 10.

TequilaMockingbird0 · 16/09/2019 11:16

Not unreasonable at all. I'm due any day with number 2 and absolutely nobody will be visiting in hospital if we have to stay in for a day or two.
Our parents will be invited to visit when we're home and feel up to it.

The only thing that matters the first couple of days is you and baby- put yourselves first. Having unwanted visitors within hours of my son being born contributed to me getting PND. It's not worth it if you're not up to it.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/09/2019 11:17

No. You have the perfect reason - it;s not even an excuse. 'We want the first people to meet her to be her older siblings, plus I was very poorly immmediately after my last birth so we will let you know as soon as we can see you.'

End of.

Your partner needs to be firm too.

cakeandchampagne · 16/09/2019 11:19

YANBU.

IronicalCallSign · 16/09/2019 11:19

Yanbu. People are so insensitive, they should be checking you're ok with it , not demanding. Your DH needs to step up and protect you ffs. I wouldn't even have told people about going in tbh, but the cat's out of the bag now.

This is based on my (total fucking nightmare) of a time with visitor pressure & behaviour in hosp & shortly after arriving home. DH gets upset about it even now, we should have told people nothing and been better at protecting what we needed, it really harmed bonding and establish breastfeeding. I still cannot bear to be too friendly with certain in laws that behaved so selfishly at a time I was hallucinating with sleep deprivation, boobs bleeding & leaking, developing an infection due to birth injuries, honestly, I think back to one particular visit where I was in tears, just wanting some privacy to concentrate on latching, they all should have fucked off after 30min when it became apparent that I needed some quiet and space! I wish I'd had the balls to tell them because I'll never get that time back

Confusedbeetle · 16/09/2019 11:21

There are a lot of posts like this. I am amazed relatives think its ok to visit so soon and before invited

IronicalCallSign · 16/09/2019 11:22

Having unwanted visitors within hours of my son being born contributed to me getting PND.

This!! Mine was never diagnosed because we just ploughed through it, but some of the ridiculous behaviour of family around that vulnerable time, I now see it would have been a miracle if I'd got through it unscathed. Batshit really

Amber2019 · 16/09/2019 11:24

I dont know how it will work for you but outside of visiting times the only visitors allowed were babies dad and siblings. I got my mum to bring my son up before visiting time. She waited outside while my partner got my son so he came and saw baby first, then my parents and Inlaws came in at visiting. My son was staying with my mum so that worked. Everyone was happy with that and understood that it was important that me, my partner and son got to see baby first.

LightDrizzle · 16/09/2019 11:25

I think it can be really important for siblings to be aware they are meeting the baby first, particularly where step children are involved.
Also 35 minutes away is nothing. I’d get you husband to tell them that you want the children to meet the baby first, and as for other visitors, you will both play it by ear after the birth. He needs to be gatekeeper.
If you can’t wait to show her off, then you have the option of inviting them, but the presumption should be that they wait.
As an aside, recent threads about post natal wards suggest you would be doing everyone a favour by only having your DP, and briefly, the children.
I think people forget that mothers spend so little time on the ward these days, those that do, only do so because they or the baby have complications, and they probably aren’t up to seeing any but the closest most trusted people in their lives, like DP and maybe mum or sister.
Congratulations!

TixieLix · 16/09/2019 11:25

YANBU. Set your boundaries and get your DP to let them know the children will be the first to meet their new sibling and you'll let them know as soon as you're up to receiving further visitors. Living in the same road doesn't give them special privileges. There's no guarantee the baby will be born within a few hours of the induction being started anyway, might take a day or so.

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 11:33

You choose your visitors.
I'm always a bit taken back when I see threads saying people want no family to visit for a fortnight etc, but this is totally reasonable.

Tell DP there's no family visiting at the hospital, your new baby will meet their siblings and then you'll play it by ear once you're home and they can visit.

If he isn't willing to do that then you unfortunately have a DP problem with no boundaries

diddl · 16/09/2019 11:50

I would say wait & see how you feel.

Could they pop in after the kids tomorrow for example, obviously depending on the time.

Would they be likely to just to a quick visit & then leave you to settle in a home for a few days?

Hope all goes well, whatever you decide.

Bluebell9 · 16/09/2019 11:58

I've told everyone that DPs DC/my DSC will be the first to visit and with just me, DP and the DC there. Although my DSis might be working on the ward at the time, so would be with me anyway! I could see MIL was a little put out but that's just because she is excited.

We've said we will let people know when they can visit so that everyone doesn't turn up a the same time. It will only be my parents, DPs parents and my siblings coming to visit in hospital, anyone else can wait till we are settled at home.

DoctorAllcome · 16/09/2019 12:00

YANBU
They are BU by demanding that their need to see a newborn trumps your need to recover from childbirth.

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