To always see my family at Christmas?

[Inlawful]

Sorry, another IL Christmas thread in September!

Name changed for this.

I know it's the fair thing to alternate, but in these circumstances AIBU?

My DH does not like his family. Things have always been fraught around virtually any family occasion, including MIL's and siblings actions making our wedding incredibly tense and the build up unpleasant. They have never really accepted me, it's always been grudging and insincere. In contrast, my DH has a great relationship with my family. He has been very much accepted into the inner circle and is dearly loved. I do think my ILs see this and are threatened by this.

My adult DSis has severe autism and while she's lovely she isn't able to grasp the concept of Christmas, and my Dgrandad is a alcoholic and fond of a drunken row. Without me it's just them and my parents at the Christmas table, and when we've visited ILs in the past I know Christmas has been grim for my parents.

This year will be the first with 9mo DS, the first grandchild on both sides. DH does not want to spend Christmas Day with his family, for the last few years we have visited on Boxing day. I'm just wondering if we're being unfair to not alternate seeing them consistently on Christmas Day? As a compromise we're considering inviting single MIL to ours alongside my family this year (not toxic siblings), but we're aware she is extremely (and unfairly) phobic of my DSis and so is unlikely to come.

AIBU?

Why not one at home and one at your parents if he doesn’t want to go to his in the day. Although I wouldn’t be taking a baby, toddler or child to a house where someone is known to get drunk and row.

I personally don't think it's a problem but then we don't alternate and almost always spend Christmas Day with my family and we don't have your very valid reasons for not doing so!

It's not a row, really - more of slurring loaded or barbed comments that everyone ignores. A child wouldn't pick up on this, and it's past bedtime anyway. He'd be alone otherwise and is lovely when he's sober. I'm not making excuses, it really frustrates me,
but my DGrandad has v poor health and is in alot of pain. He's 87, I unfortunately think we're beyond AA now.

By Christmas, we will have a 6-8 week old baby. First grandchild on both sides.
DH is working half of Christmas day and his parents live 2 hours away.
We are getting round it by having 'Christmas' with all the trimmings at his parents' house on 22-24 December, so they don't miss out on baby's first Christmas.
We will then spend the half of Christmas day that DH isn't working with my family.
Is something like that an option for you?

Its not U if you're both happy with the arrangement.

I'd invite them to yours if possible - your parents, grandad, sister and mil. Ask them all to bring part of the dinner to save you doing it all. If mil doesn't want to come then at least she can't be pissed off that you are not going to her. If she wants Dh's siblings there tell her you are not able to cater for everyone and won't have enough space or energy.

I think ILs feel aggrieved we very rarely go to them. I doubt MIL would come, she has a very codependent relationship with DH's (married) sibling and she is quite reluctant to engage at all with my DSis.

It would feel a bit like a token invite, which I am ok with, but is it reasonable to have a longstanding arrangement to never see them on Christmas Day?

We will definitely offer to have another Christmas with them whenever we see them, but this has not been well received in the past. They want the 25th, and with DS now here I'm bracing myself for tension about this.

You want to spend Christmas with your family.
DH ALSO wants to spend Christmas with your family.

What's the problem?

If in-laws have a problem with it, they need to use their grown-up voices and express that.

They have not said, "we'd like you to come for Christmas at ours this year" so... shrug

Don't waste too much emotional energy on what they may, or may not, be thinking.

Why are you trying to consider the feelings of people who you say haven't accepted you, and a MIL who is 'extremely phobic' of your ASC DSis? If you are happy with the current arrangement, and DH is too, then why change it? Why bring possible misery to Christmas by trying to involve these people - just so you can say you've done the 'right' thing? People shouldn't get to behave badly and yet still get their own way. Why does MIL have a problem with DSis? My DS has severe ASC and anyone with a problem with him can stay away.

I have no way of knowing whether you are being unreasonable, but l think that this is the sort of thing my SIL would say about Christmas. My parents' side of the story would be very different. They would say that they have tried and tried very hard to be welcoming and warm and polite but that SIL is so adamant that her family are the most important that she shoots down any suggestion that my parents might be included too. Their repeated attempts to be nice are openly sneered at and when they finally say that DB and DSIL's (really pretty extreme) rudeness has got too much, SIL holds this up triumphantly as proof that she was right and that they are horrible and mean and DB shouldn't see them. They are only permitted to be involved when DB and DSIL need back up childcare or a financial contribution.

DB is probably indeed happier going to SIL's parents, because it means that he is no longer harangued about how terrible we all are and how her family are infinitely better than ours.

I have absolutely no idea whether this is the case in your family, but my point is that there are often two sides to every story, and it might be worthwhile thinking about how the other side might report on the same situation. FWIW, I think that the starting point should usually be that you alternate, and I say that as someone who also hasn't always had the most amazing relationship with my in-laws. I've spent many a Christmas gritting my teeth while I'm told that I'm peeling the carrots wrongly, etc. I'm rather dreading it again this year :)

I think you are very kind OP and it's nice to see someone thinking of inlaws even when they are difficult. Though the attitude of the MIL towards your DSis is very sad/awful.

I often imagine what it would be like if my DC made decisions and I was the in-laws often spoken about on Mumsnet. Helps me stay nice! :) I would say I can understand why they want Christmas Day as it's definitely the most special day etc., but in your situation it isn't like you are leaving MIL alone that day, she's with her other children etc. I'd either...

1. Have everyone to yours Christmas Day OR
2. Either have Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with in laws every year. Sounds like you've been doing the latter.
3. Invite inlaws for a small portion of Christmas Day (pudding after meal, or present opening etc.)

If you were feeling extra nice you could let in-laws choose, but honestly it should probably be you and your DH who make the decisions. I have always accomodated and this year we plan to change things up a bit too after feeling so rushed last Christmas and the DC not getting a moment to relax and enjoy presents, movies etc.

Good luck!

yesanothernamechange I'm sure they do have a shopping list of offences they feel I have commited. It's hard to say for definite objectively, but fwiw I've always tried to be considerate and see their side. Many family occasions become about what they feel they are entitled to.. it does feel like me and DH do alot of hand wringing. It may sometimes come across as my family being more important, but my family do have more complex needs. That doesn't necessarily make it fair on my ILs, and may well be contributing to this dynamic.

Piffle11 ILs have made comments along the lines of DSis being intimidating, 'big and scary', as if they deserve special consideration whenever she is around. They have refused to engage with DSis, in any way, saying they feel afraid of upsetting her. DSis is a gentle giant and very smiley, if she was aggressive I'd (somewhat) get it but she's not at all.

I have done two Christmas days at my in laws in 17 years. It's grim, and now I won't even tolerate it.

So we do every other Christmas at home, other at my parents. Our in laws are always invited to ours but they won't come (we live 1,000 miles away). When we are at my parents, we do make the effort to meet up with them on Boxing Day.

If no one complains, keep it going as long as possible

You say DH is happy enough with current routine.
Just do the usual visits on the usual days.
After all, it’s ‘tradition’.

Problem solved.