Hi there.. just wondering if anyone is able to make sense of my ramble and offer any advice or support, I’m really in need of that.
I had a surgical abortion at 14 weeks back in November 2018. My daughter was only 9 months old when I found out and I wasn’t ready. It took me ages to make my decision (10 weeks) and I kick myself every day for not deciding sooner and being able to have the less traumatic medical procedure. Decided to start trying for another baby in June. ever since my abortion I’ve felt sad and down about it with occasional real upsets but since I started TTC it’s got worse. Every time I get my period or a negative test or my partner turns me down for sex I get really down and spend hours crying. I’ve been having flashbacks nearly every day of little things about my abortion such as remembering signing the consent form and the words “end of pregnancy” on it and the worst one is when my legs were put in the stirrups on the bed and I was tilted upside down for the procedure and that feeling of “should I tell them I want my baby after all”. I spend hours every day just laying on the sofa while my child is stuck inside and I feel guilty constantly. Tonight I’ve been in bed crying for two hours because I’ve tracked my ovulation to today and my partner has rejected me two days running. He sent me to bed bevause I was “depressing him” and is now sat downstairs happily watching tv. I feel like I’ve got no support because he’s the only person who knows I had an abortion. I regret it every day of my life and I guess now I’m feeling anxious because I’m so desperate to be pregnant again. How does this feeling stop if ever? Should I continue TTC or stop until I’ve improved or will it make me feel even worse not having a new baby?