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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just invite the girls?

17 replies

BigYellowTaxiDriver · 16/09/2019 00:47

DD started school in August. Her birthday is in December. She wants a party and has her heart set on a particular venue.

It’s pretty expensive. £15 per head. 25 kids in her class plus cousins and a couple of nursery friends etc.

I had always intended to just invite her new class to her party but now she wants this particular place and I frankly cannot afford to pay for all these children. It would be an obscene amount of money for a kids party.

However she hasn’t been there long enough to make solid friendships yet but the girls (12 of them in the class) do seem to be quite a tight group so far. She hasn’t mentioned any boys that she plays with or anything. Just girls so far.

...Can I just invite the girls and not the boys? She has boy cousins who would also be invited and a couple of boys who are not school friends eg sons of my friends so there will be boys there. Just not from school. Is that a crap thing to do?

I don’t really know what to do for the best. The alternative is hiring a hall but even then it could be like 35 kids and that’s just unmanageable surely.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 16/09/2019 04:09

It will still be very expensive. You don't HAVE to give your DC the exact party they set their hearts on you know.

But it's up to you. YANBU to invite only girls...that's fine. Her boy cousins are her cousins...so they're not in her class. Not like you're excluding only a few from her class.

35 kids in a hall is manageable...I've done it...you just need a few adults to watch over them. And an activity. I've only done hall parties with a children's entertainer...I wouldn't do one with nobody in charge.

NormHonal · 16/09/2019 04:17

Inviting just the girls is fine. There will be a bazillion other whole-class parties. The boys’ mums will probably be grateful to be missing one!

Bluewavescrashing · 16/09/2019 04:28

My DCs have never been invited to whole class parties. The parents just decide how many kids they can afford to pay for and get the birthday child to choose that number of friends. My DS is having a soft play party soon, so he can have 8 friends (minimum number is 10- including him and his sister). He made a list of 8 children he wanted to invite, who all happened to be boys as he plays mainly with boys at school.

In my opinion there's no need to invite the whole class to avoid making children feel left out. 30 is too many for a party anyway usually.

Monty27 · 16/09/2019 05:15

You don't have to do this.
There's other ways ie a house party and some sort of entertainment... If you must have so many

LiveInAHidingPlace · 16/09/2019 05:28

Why not?

I actually hated having boys at my parties at that age anyway because they never played nicely and I have a memory of one boy eating the last piece of MY cake (we were always taught not to take the last piece and I'd literally never seen anyone do it before - I was a particularly uptight child and I was shocked to my core, had he squatted over the cake and pooped on it, I wouldn't have been more shocked).

Not saying your daughter necessarily dislikes boys, but if she has never mentioned them, then it doesn't seem to be a problem.

ittooshallpass · 16/09/2019 05:35

Just decide your budget and only invite the number of children it covers. You don’t need to do an all-class or all-girls party.

Fucket · 16/09/2019 05:39

There are two issues here.

  1. it’s fine to invite just girls, the whole class or a handful of friends. It’s when parents invite everyone except the child who has had difficulty fitting in or has SN. Then it’s not ok to exclude one child out of a class.

  2. you are being dictated to by a small child, you are spending money it sounds like you can hardly afford on a big party. It’s ok to say yiur daughter I’m sorry but I can’t afford a party at X. I can afford a party at Y and we go to X at a later date. Please think what you are setting yourself up for in terms of expectations around birthdays and other celebrations.

Bluewavescrashing · 16/09/2019 05:56

Also, if your DC wants a more expensive party its sensible to limit the number of children invited. Perfectly reasonable to have 4 special friends at an expensive party like Go Ape or something. If it's the kind of place where you need a minimum of 25 children, like a soft play centre, you could just pay for 10 kids to go and buy them all sausage and chips in the cafe. No need to book a party at all in some places. If you want a hall party with entertainer you could share costs with another child and do a joint party.

My DCs know that expensive parties aren't on the cards this year as we are going to the Chessington Hotel as a joint birthday treat. So they can have a small soft play party each (10 kids), a more expensive option like go karting for 4 friends or a joint hall party as their birthdays are 2 months apart. They both recoiled in horror at the idea of a joint party 😁 and DS has chosen the small soft play party. DD is undecided but her birthday isn't for a couple of months. Last year DS had a pizza party at home which was cheap but messy. One of his friends invited him to legoland instead of having a party.

Give your DC a few choices you can comfortably afford.

Bluewavescrashing · 16/09/2019 06:00

OP why don't you look at the terms of booking a party at the particular venue your DD wants. Is there a minimum number you have to book for? Or could you pay for the 12 girls without it being an actual party and pre order a platter or sandwiches for them?

Norma27 · 16/09/2019 06:15

My youngest has just started yr 1 and there wasn’t a single whole class party last yr. I think it’s fine to invite just girls or just a few select friends even.

Cherrysherbet · 16/09/2019 06:18

Who does your dd want to invite? Is she fine with just the girls? If so, then do that. General rule for me would be....

  • just the girls
  • just the boys
  • whole class
  • a few good friends ( but help them to choose, as you can trend on toes!)
  • Never leave out just one child in a class/group as that’s just shitty.

It’s a bloody minefield op. Have a nice party, and good luck with organising them from now on in......it’s a fucking nightmare, and you’ll always offend somebody.

Saracen · 16/09/2019 06:21

How about just inviting her non-school friends and her cousins? She doesn't have any actual friends from school yet. That would guarantee nobody from her class feels left out. It also makes the party much cheaper!

To answer your actual question, in principle it is fine to invite just some of the class, and "just girls" is a simple clear division. But in my mind it does seem to set up an expectation at an early age that girls will normally only have girls as friends. You did imply that if your daughter had made friends in class who were boys, then you would include them. Still, your plan would give the message that there is a gulf between girls and boys, that they should only want to play with others of their own gender and that friendships across gender lines will be the exception.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/09/2019 06:44

£15 a head?! Bloody hell. That's bonkers!

IsobelRae23 · 16/09/2019 09:21

We’ve never done whole class parties, just a set amount, and dc have to make a decision as to who comes. We couldn’t afford to do 30 plus cousins etc when it is £10-£20 ahead.

SaffronRose · 16/09/2019 09:24

Have the party that you can comfortably afford. Don't let her dictate what party you throw. Do the plan you originally had in mind.

BlackCatSleeping · 16/09/2019 09:26

I think it’s fine to just invite the girls from her class.

Original poster
BigYellowTaxiDriver · 16/09/2019 09:51

She’s not dictating. She has just asked a few times if she could have this particular venue because it is her favourite. I could tell her no and insist on a hall or whatever. But that’s the party she wants and we can afford it with lower numbers.

I just don’t want to get off to a bad start with the other parents in her class. It’s all going pretty well so far. Couldn’t do a hour party we don’t have nearly enough space

OP posts:
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