To not know if I want to know - possibly triggering

[akerman]

I'm a reasonably well-balanced person in her fifies, though go through bouts of being felled by anxiety and depression. Much of this stems from my mother abusing us physically and emotionally. I've craved mother figures all my life, but manage to handle this OK, I think, and I think I have a reasonably lucid understanding of where it all comes from.
My dilemma is that my brother recently asked me if I remembered how much I hated going to private sessions with the vicar, who hypnotised me. This would have been when I was about 12. It is directly linked to my mother, who had a massive crush on the vicar and was desperate for his affection, so would have loved this kind of vicarious attention. There would have been no question at all of me not going. But what really freaks me out is that I remember I had to go to see him, but have no memories whatsoever of what happened, except for being terrified one day when he took me up the bell tower, because I hate heights. It's relevant, I think, that I am famous amongst my friends for remembering everything from school and childhood in quite a lot of detail, but I have almost no memories of this. Is it better not to know what the hell he was doing when I was hypnotised? It could open a can of worms - I was completely incapable of forming relationships until I was 28, and now wonder if there's some connection. Or am I massively over-thinking this? And how do you recover memories in a reliable way - does anyone know?

I have no experience in this area, but can imagine that this is very frightening. In your shoes I'd feel the same: on one hand wanting to remember what happened (if anything) and on the other wishing I hadn't thought about it at all. I'd also be nervous of over-zealous therapist planting false memories which I have had direct experience of (and it had devastating effects).

Does your brother know more? Perhaps he was asking to see what you remembered. I would perhaps ask him first.

Repressed memories Op, it’s never good. I would rather not speculate on your personal life, I feel it’d be unfair to you. Just look up RM there’s so much info about it online x

See a doctor . See if you can get some help .

He just remembers me being really pissed off about having to go to the sessions. I'll look up repressed memories - thank you, sci-fi. I am a bit anxious about fake memories being planted. I'm really sorry you've had such a terrible experience of this, jaded. Thank you both for responding.

Thank you too, gollyfot. I might well do that.

The vicar hypnotised you? What do you mean?

That's how I described it to my brother at the time, but I cannot remember anything of what he did, so I don't know.

Inthink I'd be seeking some professional support - sounds like strange situation - is the Vicar still alive?

Even when a hypnotist gives a suggestion that you forget everything about a session, the memory usually surfaces at some stage - unless you really really want to forget. Sounds like repressed memories to me, and probably not because of the hypnosis. You could try going to a qualified hypnotherapist and have regression therapy.

Did your brother go to any sessions at all? Why the need to be hypnotised?

You could be overthinking it. There is a lot of thought these days that the idea of "recovered memories" is bullshit.

Have you spoken to your dB in more depth about it?
Is he older or younger and does he have any other memories of the family relationships with the vicar?

The vicar died some years ago. My brother (who's three years older than me) didn't really know him. he only heard about him through what I said. I was the only one my mother forced to go to church and do church activities. It was my mother who knew him best, and my Dad told me some years ago that the reason there was a sudden break in going to that church and seeing him was that they were both worried they were going to start an affair with each other. It is a strange situation (which is par for the course with my mother!), so maybe I am overthinking it (and I take seriously the caution about repressed memories being planted by therapists or not really existing), but I just don't know why I had to be hypnotised. When my brother said it to me I remembered complaining to him about it, but I don't remember why it had to happen or anything that happened with the vicar except being very frightened of climbing up the bell tower. I'm grateful to you all for answering. My mother now has mid stage dementia so couldn't really answer anything about why this happened (and I'd never have trusted her to give a sensible answer on this anyway), and the vicar's dead, so the only way I'd find anything out is through some kind of professional therapy, so I was interested to know if people thought that that route was effective.

Op, can I ask..do you really want to know? I’m only asking as when you know you go back & remember you can’t go forward and forget it again. My friend suffered serious trauma and saw a therapist, you don’t always have to be hypnotised to remember sometimes talking about your childhood would trigger a certain memory. Whatever you choose to do good luck x

Thank you, scifi x
No, not sure I do. And not sure either how you tell if a memory is real or planted; it's just hard to silence the niggling what ifs.

Maybe there was nothing sinister and tou were the cover for you mum and the vicars fling?

Although I dont have a good memory and definitely have blocked memories( purposefully pushing them to the back of my mind) I do know what happened in my life aged 12.

I'd be surprised if they had a fling, but they quite possibly had an emotional affair. I'm certain my mother made me go and see him to get the attention vicariously, so maybe. Sorry you have bad memories, Helen.

Thanks but tbh as a child I think I always knew I would go off and do my own thing and make sure I didnt repeat anything with my own child. The past remains in the past with me on the whole.