To feel like a scrounger

[Gollyfot]

Worked since 17 . Kids have made me slow down on work , hard to find things around the little ones . OH is great works hard and supports us all . I don’t claim benefits and I know I spend all day working on being a mil or trying to do other bits .

But I still feel like such a loser and a scrounger for depending on OH.

Really gets me down.

I used to be a very independent working woman , worked hard and built career .

Mil? I mean mum

I know what you mean OP, I felt like this too until I recently got a PT job when DS went to school. I felt worthless and like I was making no contributing to society at all, but looking back I shouldn't have felt like that at all - we are doing a job, bringing up the next generation. Just tell yourself it won't be forever, in a few years you'll be able to find something that fits around school /childcare etc. Enjoy it while you can, it goes so quick.

You have two options:

1. get a job. It doesn't have to be a hard job, or many hours but working does give a sense of independence and achievement it is very difficult to find elsewhere.

2. realise that you are still working hard, doing the tremendously difficult job of being a mum and that OH providing financially while you do what you do is actually you both working as a team for the benefit of your family.

Neither is right or wrong, just decide what will make you happier

I do have jobs but they are extremely adhoc and must fit around the kids because OH can’t help with the kids because of his hours .

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t feel like I’m contributing to society . I never knew it would feel like this . It’s a really horrible feeling .

I know how you feel, I worked as soon as I received my NI number. I supported myself through college and uni, then had my graduate job. When I became a mum my DH would give me £100 a month as pocket money. It felt awful and I felt like a loser asking for money here and there.
Soon as I went back to work I felt better and I could buy crappy tat again without DH moaning. If I want to my spend my money on Harry Potter pyjamas who cares as it’s my money.

So get a job then

Lvsel. if you can’t empathise or be helpful , get lost .

I completely get this. I've worked since I was 15. Always depended on myself financially altho have gotten myself into shit. Off on maternity leave now and it feels so restrictive not having my usual cash flow and having to explain to everyone we're skint. I hate it but so worth it to have dd.

@Lvsel not helpful

I don't work because my mental health is very poor and my spine is not good right now. I very often feel guilty nd when I explained this to my psychiatrist she said earning money is not the only way a person can contribute. My fiance would rather I take the time to concentrate on getting well. He knows it's not going to happen overnight. I see the surgeon next month and I will be starting therapy soon. I do everything I can to ensure he has very little to do. He still does things for me like making me drinks etc and we go out often on his days off. I am in constant pain but I'm hoping at some point next year I will be able to work. I have worked hard all my life until recently and I don't claim benefits. OP you are contributing fully. You are a mother which takes so much energy, effort, concentration etc. Try to think of all the non financial ways you contribute and I bet you have a very long list!

Sorry to hear about that .

I do hope you feel better . I took some inspiration from your post and did the kids ironing and a bit of cleaning too ,

I’d felt so down today that the whole day took a bit of a slide .

Thanks for peeking me up and you are right : What I do still is work .

You've no reason to feel like that. Your partner can only go to work because you take care of everything at home.

I'd encourage you to think about marriage, to protect yourself financially.

Sorry I am married .

And I’m pleased to say it wasn’t a financial decision .

Gollyfot,
Your taking care of your children and looking after your home at the moment, that’s a 18 hour day.
You will know when it’s right for you to go back to work so until then just enjoy being at home , but not all the time lol , get out and about with the kids and make some great memories.
Xxx

Maybe it would help to think of it in terms of what you're saving in chaildcare costs by doing it yourself - so like that's the "salary" you're earning by saving it, if you see what I mean?

I’ve just gone back to work and my ex is finally starting to see how much it would have cost him while I had the privilege of staying home with dd how lucky I was to stay home cooking and cleaning, looking after her all day for anyone interested the care alone is 4-600 pcm. Might send him a bill for the laundry and cooking I did.

Looking after kids is a job, otherwise I wouldn’t have to pay someone to look after mine.

How about giving the family finances a complete overhaul? Look for ways you can reduce the bills, make an effort to get the best deals & prices on the things you need to buy, save money on groceries etc. Trying to maintain your standard of living on less might help you feel a little better.

However, I get the impression that this is about more than just relying on OH for money. Do you feel as if you aren't 'your own woman' anymore? Perhaps you need to find a way to get a little bit of 'you' back? BTW, please stop thinking of yourself as a loser and a scrounger. If you really were these things, you wouldn't be feeling bad would you?